by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Crime/Justice Writer
The brick that hit the side of her house at three in the morning didn’t phase Luigiana Vintigtagtoli in the slightest; it fell short of hitting a window (amateurs!). Not only that, but the joke was on the hurler: the house was haunted and things went bump in the night so often that what freaked her out was long periods of silence.
The gunshot that blew out her mailbox didn’t phase Vintigtagtoli; as a fan of Martin Scoroneforsese films, she was used to random, senseless violence.
But when a black pickup truck drove by her yard and somebody threw a tied up plastic bag at her while she was gardening (not even close – amateurs!), Vintigtagtoli, who has tremendous lung power for an eighty-seven year-old, shouted, “I voted for McDruhitmumpf, you moron!”
The truck screeched to a halt and backed up. The passenger rolled down his window and politely said, “With all due respect, Misses Fandangowanone, I find that hard to believe.”
“Ah, well, there’s your problem right there, young man,” the woman, matching him polite for polite, replied, pointing to a house on the other side of the road. “I’m Luigiana Vintigtagtoli. Penelope Fandangowanone lives across the street.”
Holding up a finger, the passenger said, “Could you give me a minute?” Withdrawing his head, he got into an argument with the driver. Prominent among the shouting was the sentence, “I didn’t read the map wrong! You drew it wrong!”
One minute and three seconds later, the passenger stuck his head of the window and sheepishly said, “You have our deepest apologies, Misses Vintigtagtoli.”
“That’s quite alright,” the old woman responded.
“Can we…get our bag of shit back?”
According to Russell Permissionstructure, professor of postmodern fascism at City University of New Yoricknuhemwell, by pardoning all of the people convicted of criminal activity during the insurrection on January 6th, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf sent a signal to his supporters that they could use violence if it helped him. “Most of us would have sent an email,” Professor Permissionstructure stated, “but then, a presidential pardon really commands attention in a way no other form of communication does!”
In defending the pardon, President McDruhitmumpf said that, “They were peaceful protesters railroaded by a harsh and unjust system…unless that was the plot of The Fugitive. Does anybody know if Nancy Pelligrinosi – oooh, what a nasty woman! – did she maybe only have one arm that was covered up with a prosthetic, or maybe AI or something? Hey, speaking of which, have you bought my cryptocoin, yet? It’s the biggliest thing since sliced butter – it’s certainly better than being stuck in the ocean with a battery!”
Peaceful? McDruhitmumpf was clearly talking about protesters like Jacob Nochansleynhell, aka the “Qandon Shame Man,” who, after being told of the pardon, shouted, “Ferk, yeah! I’m gonna get me a shotgun and some extra shells to celebrate my peaceful transfer of power!”
Looking chagrined, Professor Permissionstructure said, “Okay, my name may be a little on the nose, but you have to admit, President McDruhitmumpf has created the…permission structure – look, it’s Scandinavian – it’s a venerated name in the old country, okay? And I promised my parents that I wouldn’t change it – so…yeah. The President has created the permission structure for his followers to use violence against anybody who appears to be an enemy of the state. By which I mean: enemy of the President. That’s how fascists work.” Under his breath, he added: “Stupid promise to my parents!”
How do Reduhblicans feel about their president pardoning people who violently attacked the Capitol, and would likely have attacked them if the rioters could have found them? Many have cloaking devices which they activate the moment they are asked about it. Others have functioning chameleon circuits sewn into their clothing that allows them to fade into the background.
Reduhblicans who have access to neither technology usually walk briskly and breathlessly respond to the question with a curt, “Love to talk – late for a meeting!” Sometimes, the old ways are the best.
“Is it too late to take back our endorsement of McDruhitmumpf?” asked Fraternal Order of Porkers National President Patrick Yonoserubberhoes.
“Yes, it is!” exclaimed former officer Michael Fandangowanone. “Yes, it most certainly is! Those fe…people beat me with a shield, tased me so much I had a heart attack and tried to explode a penguin at me! And the fe…President just pardoned them all! Now, they’re coming after my ferking mother – sorry, mom. They’re coming after my mother! It’s too late to take back your endorsement!”