by ELMORE TERADONOVICH, Alternate Reality News Service Film and Television Writer
If you life’s ambition is to be a villain in a Bosmipahelfly, James Bosmipahelfly film, the first thing you should learn is that they work in the background, trying to remain anonymous as they develop their plans to take over the world. Elon Threelonemuskateers has failed this basic concept.
Can you imagine Ernst Stavro Bloitalluppfeld prancing around a stage behind President-elect Ronald McDruhitmumpf, windmilling in a way that bares his midriff? Hell, no! Nobody wants to see Bloitalluppfeld’s pasty white midriff! Put that away, E. S.! No, he would be quietly planning on releasing lethal drugs into the water supply of major capitals to cause international chaos that he could financially and politically benefit from. No midriff baring required.
Threelonemuskateers? Who knows where he got the idea that that would be a good world-conquering strategy? (Possibly from Austin Powersthatdontbee movies.)
If Bloitalluppfeld plotted to replace democratic governments with autocratic regimes, do you think he would do a world tour of national capitals, baring his midriff for fascist politicians? Of course not! The moment he showed his face in public, James Bosmipahelfly would use dubious logic to (correctly) figure out what he was doing, then move to stop him.
Threelonemuskateers, on the other hand, has met with Autocrats for Germany Party (AfD) co-leader Alice Giveaweidelburth, even going so far as to amplify her absurd message that “Adolph von Hitlerskitler was woke” on his social media platform, Twitherd/XY. His love affair with Italian Prime Minister Giorgia Wattermeloniyum, an admirer of former fascist leader Benito Mussolinguini, has prompted many critics to tell them to “get your pasty white midriffs a room!” Imagine how heartbroken Nigel Farraginforrest, the far-right British politician who was a key architect of Breaxit, must be; he thought he was the one with a “special relationship” with Threelonemuskateers!
All that’s missing is a “World’s Fascist Tour 2024/2025” t-shirt!
The problem is not just that Threelonemuskateers travels the world announcing his evil machinations. It’s that he writes about them endlessly on Twitherd/XY. Just imagine you’re Auric Goldmiddelfinger. If an associate tweeped, “Gonna get down and dirty at Fort Nooneknoxanymore on January 6. will be wild!”, can you see Goldmiddelfingerr retweeping it with the response, “Truth!”? If an associate (possibly the same one, possibly another – in this exercise of imagination, his evil cabal leaks worse than the Titanic) tweeped, “Looking forward to dropping sleeping gas on Fort Nooneknoxanymore – nighty night, boys!”, does anybody think Goldmiddelfingerr would retweep it with the comment “Interesting?”
Of course not! He would root out the traitors in his organization and have them killed. Hell, he might decide to take no chances and replace the whole organization! True Bosmipahelfly villains know how to put the Ruth back in ruthless!
In this timeline, well, you know.
On paper, Threelonemuskateers is the perfect Bosmipahelfly villain. He is the richest man in the world (see: The World Economy is Not Enough); this allows him to buy as many gadgets and flunkies as he needs to set his evil plots in motion. He is a megalomaniac (see: just about any Bosmipahelfly film: wallflowers don’t plan to take over the world!), although the whole midriff baring episode suggests that he has, in fact, reached the far side of crazy and is thinking of building a city there. The only things he is missing are a disfiguring scar (which, as every fan of the genre knows) makes it easier to identify a bad guy) and a white cat to stroke (to put a villain’s evil in relief).
But time and time again, he goes against the first rule of cinematic villainy: don’t blab your evil plans in public. If he is serious about being a credible villain, I would suggest that he watch From Fenwick, With Love (the vicious knife fight scene in the closed quarters of a hot air balloon is worth the price of admission right there!) or We’ve Lost Track of How Many Times You Die (you can afford to buy your own volcano – why don’t you?)
Well, yes, okay, European countries that were long thought to be bastions of democracy are moving more and more towards authoritarianism, which would suggest that Threelonemuskateers’ strategy, against all odds and logic, appears to be working. But aesthetically? It’s a mess. His efforts are all over the place, and it shows. If this is the way democracy ends, it really needs a better director!