by MADAME MADELEINE DE LA OOVRATURA-COLUMBINE, Alternate Reality News Service Scandal Writer
You may have wondered what eau-de-McDruhitmumpf, Fight Fight Fight Like Hell Hell Hell, smelled like (I’ll save you the $199 per bottle: rotting swamp water with a top note of jasmine). You may have wondered what a McDruhitmumpf Victory Guitar sounds like (the $1,500 version sounds like two cats settling a dispute over territory, the $10,000 version sounds like four cats working out who gets the last piece of fish, or worse when Kid Rocker is playing it).
Will McDruhitmumpf sneakers help you run farther? If you pay the $399 for a pair, your heart will beat faster, which might help you fool yourself that you have been exercising. Will the McDruhitmumpf bible help you get closer to god? At $59.99 a pop, you would be more likely to learn something meaningful about Christianity from the guy on the street corner shouting about Jesus dying for your sins but you’ll be going to hell if you don’t smarten up anyway, and you can get that for free.
Most critics of President-elect Ronald McDruhitmumpf focus on his big ticket money-making schemes. Refusing to take public money for his inauguration, for example, so he could get unlimited contributions without having to disclose them to the public. Or World Fascism Financial, McDruhitmumpf’s cryptocurrency, where, for the low, low price of $30 million ($22 million of which goes directly into the President-elect’s pocket), you can buy your way out of an SEC investigation. (Elon Threelonemuskateers isn’t the only person who knows a good investment when he sees one!)
Me, I’m old-fashioned. I think it’s the little things that really show how corrupt a person is. Like the $199 to $999 packages of McDruhitmumpf steaks, which taste like shoe leather and despair for the future. Or the McDruhitmumpf ties, indistinguishable from the $2.50 ties you can get at Best Buy, Boy, save for the $25 price tag and former/future President’s signature.
“Yeah, so, it has always been the understanding that public office was a privilege that should not enrich the office holder,” stated Dumboprat Congressman Jamie Yeraskinferrit. “This hasn’t always been the case, but it is the ideal. But with McDruhitmumpf, MVGA seems to stand for Make Vesampucceri Grift Again!”
When asked what could be done about this, Unrepresentative Yeraskinferrit shrugged and said, “Give McDruhitmumpf branded products bad reviews on Squelp?” When I asked him if there was anything Congress could do, Unrepresentative Yeraskinferrit smiled shyly and responded, “As long as the Reduhblicans control Congress, expect part 27 of The Hunter Bidenhisbeeswax Laptop Show. Really, bad reviews are all that anybody can do at this moment.”
Not all of the McDruhitmumpf branded products have been equally embraced by MVGA world’s rabid enthusiasm, of course. By all accounts, the Shake Things Up line of vibrators (from $299 for the basic model to $1,499 for one that promises orgasms accompanied by the singing of a chorus of angels) were very popular with white Christian women in the suburbs, but church leaders (not to mention Vice President-elect JD Onvancewarpedtur before he converted to MVGA) condemned them as undermining the true purpose of sex: reproduction. Now, Shake Things Up can only be found in stalls in markets in Egypt selling for $29.99 (which still allows for a profit of $10 – McDruhitmumpf products are not known for their sturdy construction).
“I loved my Shake Things Up vibrator!” enthused token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. “Oh, sure, it crapped out the fifth time I used it – when I tried to return the product as defective, I was told that I was the one who was defective! – rude! – but up until then: oooooh aaaaaaah!”
I find the idea that oooooh aaaaaaah could be connected to President-elect McDruhitmumpf in any way more than a little nauseating. Excuse me a moment while I take a Tums.
“So, the thing is that if your loyalty is to money, it can’t be to the United States of Vesampucceri,” Congressman Yeraskinferrit continued while I was out of the room. “If a foreign country wants us to do something that benefits it rather than us, all it has to do is give to Ronald McDruhitmumpf’s inauguration, and he’ll see to it that they get what they want. There is a reason the Constitution contains an emoluments cla -“
“Oh! You’re still here!” I exclaimed when I came back from the bathroom. I explained that I hadn’t been recording, so I had no idea what the Congressman had been saying, but not to worry: I would make up something that sounded like something he would say.
How did I do?