by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service National Security Writer
Peter Hedaiggsethative seems to be a decent enough guy. He has broad shoulders. He served in the military – not that anybody remembers, but he has the papers to prove it, darnit! He hardly ever cheats on his wife. His tattoo is a Christian symbol associated with the love of fellow man that was so prominent in The Crusades and has nothing to do with white nationalism because…because Peter Hedaiggsethative says it doesn’t. And…and…and did I mention he has broad shoulders?
Something about contemplating his future as the head of Ronald McDruhitmumpf’s Department of Offence makes this dece – uhh…well intentio – err…broad shouldered guy regress. And I’m not talking merely back to his childhood. No, when he regresses, Hedaiggsethative goes back to the childhood of humanity.
Suddenly, a man who can say, “I served my country with pride that I worked alongside some of the best trained, best equipped fighting men in history. I am proud to have been part of the greatest military the world has ever known,” reverts to: “Girls bad! Boo girls! Keep girls out of military! Bad girls! Bad!”
“Women already in military!” token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam retorted. “Thousands of women! Serve with disinc – discinc – serve good!” Then, she shook her head and her glazed-over eyes focused and she said: “Gee, I hope this neanderthal thing isn’t catching!”
MSNBC pundit (whose high school yearbook pegged her as “most likely to become an MSNBC pundit,” an especially prescient note considering this was years before the network even existed!) Rachel O’Schubermatthow commented, “It’s not surprising that a man with such broad shoulders would want women out of the military. The current Reduhblican project is to force women into devoting their lives to bearing children, or die trying.”
O’Schubermatthow made that little sweep of her fist that has endeared her to so many thousands of viewers before continuing: “The problem with prejudices, like peanuts, is not only that elephants tend to hog them – because who is going to argue with an elephant? – but that once you’ve eaten just one, you can’t eat just one. The sort of person who wants women out of the military probably doesn’t want people who are not hetero-normative in the military, either. Wouldn’t want anybody spreading The Trans to our brave boys in uniform…right?”
Soon after, Hedaiggsethative stated: “Trans bad! Go in wrong bath room! Confuse people! Keep trans out of military! Bad trans! Bad!”
“Fun fact: transgender people make up 0.6% of the Vesampuccerian population, but 24.79% of the hate tweeps on Twitherd/XY,” pointed out token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. “That means every trans person on the antisocial networking platform receives 1,277.52 hostile tweeps a day. Did I math that right? I don’t think I mathed that right. I mean, there are numbers after the decimal place, so the figure looks authoritative. Well, whatever the actual number, it’s a lot!“
“Yeah, I’d like to follow up on something my good friend and, for lack of a better term, fellow MSNBC host, the great Rachel O’Schubermatthow, said last night,” commented Joy Reidemanweepson. “She said prejudices are like peanuts: sure, they taste great, but nobody wants to clean up the shells! By which she meant: the kind of person who would want to limit the role of women in the military probably wouldn’t stop there. Oh, no, y’all. Given the racism in so much of the incoming president’s cabinet, not to mention the orange duce himself, I wouldn’t be surprised if he also wanted to limit the role of Blacks and other people of colour in the military.”
To which Hedaiggsethative replied: “Ooh! Good Idea, Joy…Joy! Blacks bad! Hispanics bad! Asians bad…ish! Keep Blacks and…everybody else I just said out of military! Bad Blacks! Bad!”
Token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam shook her head and said, “Words fail me. Not those words, obviously. Or the ones I’m saying now. I mean words of commentary. Not commentary about words failing me, either. Commentary about – what? Oh, yeah, Arnie, maybe it is time for me to go to a dark room and lie down, now.”
Then, Hedaiggsethative shook his head and his glazed-over eyes focused and he said, “And I want to assure everybody that that’s why I will make a fantastic head of the Department of Offence. With just a few small changes, we’ll make Vesampucceri’s military great again!”