Thank you, …And a Hippy New Year!, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, this is the time of year when we look back and sum up our experience. But honestly, 2024 was kind of a blur. We don’t remember anything about February, June or October; it’s like we time warped from the first to the end of those months. January, April and December (oh, December!) were meh. March came in like a one-alarm fire and went out like a wet fart. September held promise for positive change, but didn’t deliver. The less said about August, the better (especially for the goat). Turns out May was a special ti – nope, that was just gas. We’re pretty sure something important happened in November, but all our diary said was, “Buy more eggs.” We’re trying to interpret the entry for broader socio-political importance, but so far we’ve got nothing.
[INSERT HOPEFUL STATEMENT ABOUT 2025 HERE]
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The Daily Me Staff
Is “Mr. Wonderful” What You Call Your…Southern Exposure? That Might Work With Women, But Presidents Aren’t Susceptible To – Well, Okay, Maybe This President…
Carry On
Kevin O’Leary aka Mr. Wonderful
@kevinolearytv
There’s 41 million Canadians sitting on the world’s largest amounts of all1 resources, including the most important, energy and water. Canadians over the holidays have been talking about this.2 They want to hear more. What this could be is the beginning of an economic union.3 Think about the power of combining the two economies and erasing the border between Canada and the United States.4
I like this idea5 and at least half of Canadians6 are interested. Nobody wants Trudeau to negotiate this deal.7 I don’t want him doing it for me, so I’m going to Mar-a-Lago.8 I’ll start the narrative.
Notes
1. Arguable. For one thing, I’m pretty sure Canada doesn’t have the largest amount of jingoistic white nationalism, but give Pierre Poilievre enough time and we might some day catch up.
2. Arguable. I’m pretty sure Canadians have been talking turkey (how expensive it has become) and trash talking their neighbours (why do they leave their garbage by the curb all week when everybody knows what the pickup time on this street is?). But, sure, if you think we’ve been talking about energy politics, you do you.
3. “In every generation, there shall arise a pundit who shall talk about uniting incompatible opposites. And woebetide the politician who heeds such bafflegabbing bullshit, for he shall inherit the mud.” I read that somewhere.
4. Think of losing universal health care. Think of twelve year-olds having to undergo active shooter drills in Canadian schools. No, wait, don’t think about those things! Think about how much richer resource companies will be when we have to export to the US on their term – doh! Stop thinking!
5. “I have US envy.”
6. “Well, half of the Canadians I asked about it. So…three, then.”
7. Nobody wants anybody to negotiate this deal! There is no deal to negotiate!
8. You think you can negotiate reality TV star to reality TV star? Or, possibly, malignant narcissist to malignant narcissist? Try not to embarrass yourself too much.
SOURCE: Economics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/economicsfordummies/home.asp?did=626&dir=bb]
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You Could Tell By The Reverence In His Voice That He Said It In Capital Letters
Corn futures prices have skyrocketed on news that the tech bros who supported the election of Donald Trump for president are fighting with his MAGA base. Tech billionaires like Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy argue that the United States needs H1B immigrants to fill jobs in their industries that native Americans are too stupid and poorly motivated to get (I’m not paraphrasing, of course). MAGAts argue that this is a betrayal of the anti-immigrant, white power agenda that they voted for (okay, this is paraphrased a bit, but I had to do something about all the swearing and racial epithets!).
“Don’t know, don’t care,” said Frank O’Dell, a corn farmer in America’s spleenland (somewhere north by northwest of the country’s heartland). “Gonna have to hire me some more workers to get all my corn to the popcorn manufacturers this year. Don’t tell me President Trump hasn’t Made America Grains Again!”
SOURCE: Wall Street Infernal
[http://online.wsi.com/article/0,,SB133923397491117044,00.html?mod=home_whats_new_which_u]
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If So, Fortune Smiles With Cracked And Missing Teeth And Swamp Breath
Thirty-two lucky people (if you think that fighting each other to the death in the hot and dusty arena of Rome’s Colosseum is fortune smiling upon you) will be trained in gladiatorial combat by members of an Italian gladiators reenactment group and sent into battle in the three thousand year-old Colosseum. “Oh, get over yourselves!” Italian far right legislator Federico Mollicone said of critics of the project, “The Colosseum has survived wars and the passage of thousands of years – I think it can handle a few tourists!”
The fact that the helmets of the gladiatourists will be adorned with the logo of Airbnb, a sponsor of the amateur combat, has many Italian historians – you should pardon the expression – up in arms. “If this effort Sis supposed to help teach Italian history,” fumed Massimiliano Arugula, professor at the famed Red in Fang and Claw school at the University of Milan, “I give it a failing grade!”
SOURCE: Condor-Nasty Goer
[http://www.cngoer.com/air/colosseum-gladiator-crowe-tourists]
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They Seek Him Here, They Seek Him There
He Is Everywhere, Even When He Isn’t There
They’ll “Detain” Anybody Who Isn’t Cooperative
In Finding That Damned Illusive Hamas Operative
Israel’s army detained the director of one of northern Gaza’s last functioning kindergartens as overnight strikes elsewhere in the territory killed nine people, including children.
The Israeli military confirmed the detention (which is not an arrest because that would strongly suggest (require seems too final) that the army ensure that the director’s rights were respected). It said weapons were seen in the windows of the kindergarten, and most of the over 240 men, women and children who were detained were Hamas operatives.
“They say Hamas is regrouping,” stated Hussam Abu Safiya (aged eight). “My ass, Hamas is regrouping! The kids were playing with water pistols! I mean, a couple of low-level freedom fighters meet halfway across the country to drink tea and reminisce about military failures, and the Israelis want to kill or jail the whole population!”
To which the Israeli military responded: “Why haven’t we arres – detained you yet?”
SOURCE: The Baghdad Post
[http://www.baghdadpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2024Dec29.html]
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