“It’s a, umm, suit.”
“Harris Tweed. Only the finest material money can buy.”
“I’m sure it is, but -“
“Feel the fabric.”
“I’m not going to feel the fabric.”
“Cooome ooooon. Your fingers will thank you.”
“Okay, okay. …Nice fabric.”
“What’d I tell you?”
“Yes, but, I really don’t think the quality of the fabric enters into it.”
“Are you kidding me? Are you pulling my leg? Cause I sure don’t feel anything down there. The fabric…the fabric is everything.”
“But -“
“Harris Tweed. It reeks of sophistication. You’ll be able to smell the sophistication coming off the print ads. It has a certain…aristocratic air, yet it’s approachable. And, those are exactly the qualities you want in a candidate – somebody who can convince voters that he is smart enough to be on top of the issues, but not so stuck on himself that he won’t listen to the average citizen.”
“Yes, and if we were talking about a candidate, I might agree with you. But, all we’re talking about is a suit.”
“The suit is the candidate.”
“The suit is the candidate?”
“Not just any suit. It’s a Harris Tweed suit.”
“Any suit! You can’t run a suit in an election! It needs a human being in it!”
“Ah, now you’re just being elitist.”
“What?”
“Are you some sort of populist bumpkin who has an unreasoning prejudice against the flesh challenged?”
“No! but – look. What does the suit stand for?”
“Increased international trade and lower taxes.”
“That’s it?”
“Worked for the current administration.”
“Okay, but -“
“The suit is especially concerned about our domestic textile manufacturing base. It believes that we need special incentives to protect this precious resource.”
“Wait a minute! Doesn’t that contradict its free trade position?”
“Sure, but it works -“
“For the current administration. Okay, okay, I get it. How does a suit have positions on important political issues, anyway?”
“It checks the results of the latest polls, of course.”
“Of course. But, what if an issue comes up that hasn’t been the subject of a poll, yet?”
“The suit will have to consult its advisers.”
“This is ridiculous! How is the suit going to hold press conferences?”
“It will stay to our carefully crafted speeches. Nothing off the cuff.”
“Oh, ha ha.”
“Why are you laughing?”
“Aww, look – you cannot run an empty suit for the highest office of the land.”
“But, we’ve been doing it for years. Reagan was mentally half-gone when he was elected, but he looked magnificent in a tuxedo. Bush Senior was a bloodless technocrat, but he knew how to wear a charcoal grey suit. Bush Junior is an intellectual lightweight, but put him in an air force flight suit and he looks…Presidential.”
“Granted. So…?”
“So, the suit is what made them electable. It makes sense that the suit be the candidate – we’ve just decided to cut out the middleman.”
“And the top of the man and the bottom of the man. All of the man, in fact.”
“Oh, ha ha.”
“But, why?”
“Have you ever stalked the corridors of power?”
“Uhh…no.”
“They’re quiet. Spooky. Your footsteps echo for about five minutes.”
“Sounds like it’s something you would want to stay away from.”
“Ah, but it’s so seductive. So…addictive. Once you’ve tiptoed down the corridors of power, normal hallways just don’t do it for you any more.”
“So…”
“You could think of us as the power behind the power. Senior advisers…corporate lobbyists…major campaign contributors. Sometimes you hear the echoes of our footsteps in the corridors of power, but, mostly, we prefer to work through a friendly public figure.”
“The empty suit.”
“You’re not as dumb as your previous statements would lead one to believe.”
“But…but don’t you think people will figure this out?”
“Are you kidding? In times of war, people always rally around their empty sui – err, President. To do anything less would be unpatriotic. You think Diane Sawyer is going to ask our suit any hardball questions? Or, The New York Times?”
“But, we won’t always be at war.”
“Haven’t you been paying attention? The war on terrorism could last decades. By then, if we haven’t found another enemy to go to war against, our empty suit won’t deserve to be elected.”
“The people are going to figure this out sooner or later.”
“You keep thinking that. In the meantime, I’ll see you at the primaries.”