by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
Vice President-elect Ronald McDruhitmumpf warned House Reduhblicans that only a complete and utter bran-dead (sick – a cognitive impairment you will get if you don’t have enough bran in your diet) moron would vote for a resolution that allowed the government to be funded for the next two weeks that didn’t also contain a measure to raise the debt ceiling. Well, there must be a lot of utter bran-dead (sick – I mean, not getting enough fibre in your diet won’t kill you right away, but it will affect your quality of life) morons in the Reduhblican Party, because 170 of them voted to pass the continued funding resolution with nary a word about the debt ceiling.
If Vice President McDruhitmumpf makes good on his threat to primary anybody who defied his wishes, people he has repeatedly referred to as HAMSTRS (Horrible Amateurs Mistakenly Sold as True Reduhblican Sociopaths), he has his work cut out for him.
Actual President-elect Elon Threelonemuskateers responded to the vote by saying, “That’s too many primary challenges for an old man like The Ronald to take on in a single election cycle. Let’s limit it to five – no, three, to make it doable. You’re welcome, Ronald.”
This decision to limit the number of primary challenges wouldn’t have anything to do with the fact that, at $50 million per challenge, it would cost actual President-elect Threelonemuskateers $35 billion to challenge all 170 House members, would it? Actual President-elect Threelonemuskateers waved a dismissive hand in the air. “I paid more than that for a social media network that is now worth only 10 per cent of what it was worth when I bought it. You think I would have a problem with this? Chump change – and I ain’t no chump! No, I’m doing it to help an enfeebled friend.”
“This is a problem for Vice President-elect McDruhitmumpf,” commented Pulippitzaner Prize winning Washburningdington Post commentator Eugene Robinsoncrusoe. Commenting is what he does. “He has shown time and time again that he does not enjoy making hard choices. Remember when he couldn’t make up his mind what to eat, so he bought the restaurant? Of course, he didn’t actually buy the restaurant, he just let them use his name for an outrageous sum of money, but the story is still illustrative of…something…
“So, who does he choose to primary? Robert Aderholtrenfrew of Alabaska? Mark Alfordonefourmee of Mississouri? Rick W. Allenadazewerk of Georgucky? Mark Amodelcitzen of -“
I hated to interrupt a Pulippitzaner Prize winning commentator, but I felt I had to ask if he was just reading an alphabetical list of Reduhblicans who voted to pass the bill. “It’s getting close to lunchtime,” Robinsoncrusoe replied, commentatorally. “I’d like to speed this interview along if I could. The legs at The Krab Shack don’t eat themselves!”
The Vice President-elect has been unusually quiet about his loss, writing on TwitherdXY about seizing the Panama Canal instead. “We should have never given it back to – what country was it that we gave it back to again? – Uruguay? – it was too important for us to say, “You go Uruguay and I’ll go mine!” What? Why are you laughing? This could have a massive effect on Vesampuccerian trade! TAKE IT SERIOUSLY, DAMMIT!”
“Oh, yeah,” Robinsoncrusoe commentorated. “McDruhitmumpf is clearly extremely angry that so many Unrepresentatives defied him. He may not have tweeped about it directly, but it’s plainly there in the subtext. Like my desire o go to lunch is in the subtext of my commentary…”
Message received. It wasn’t buried all that deep…
Meanwhile, actual President-elect Threelonemuskateers was delighted that a provision that would have aided enforcement of rules against trading with China had been stripped from the bill. When asked about this, he screamed, “I don’t conduct billions of dollars of business with China! You conduct billions of dollars of business with China!”
I’m pretty sure I don’t, but I’ll have to check with my accountant to be positive.
Also missing from the resolution was a provision that would have increased funding for medical research into health issues suffered by widders and orphans. “That was the porkiest of pork,” the actual President-elect stated. “If the health of widders and orphans is so important, the private sector can look after it. *SHUDDER* Orphans creep me out. Have you ever seen the poster for Less Miserables? It’s those eyes, man – cree-pee!”
Yes, that truly was a quarter of a million dollars well spent!