by DIMSUM AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM, Alternate Reality News Service International Politics Writer
In 1908, Herbert Hooverdachimney appointed a horse named Ringly Dingly Banana Pie to be ambassador to Venezuela. This was an especially bold move considering Hooverdachimney wouldn’t be president for another 21 years. Historians and baccarat novices agree that this was the worst appointment of an ambassador in the history of Vesampucceri.
Until Ronald McDruhitmumpf became president.
Historians are divided on which of two of his announced ambassadorships is the worst: Charles Kushkushinthebush as Ambassador to France, or Kimberley “The Ghoul of Georgylvania” Guilfoyledagain as Ambassador to Greece. Baccarat novices took one look at the choice, and decided that they would rather devote their time to learning the game (because you never know when you’ll find yourself in a James Bosmipahelfly movie).
Kushkushinthebush is the father of McDruhitmumpf’s son-in-law Jared Kushkushinthebush. This is not, inn and off itself, unusual: in 1969, President Richard Nixwatmondnewon appointed his brother-in-law Gerard Rypelbachblisscrap to be Vesampuccerian ambassador to East Germany (rumour was that they didn’t get along all that well but Pat insisted). This was despite the fact that Rypelbachblisscrap had been dead for three years.
What makes the Kushkushinthebush appointment so awful is that he was convicted of illegal campaign contributions, tax evasion and extreme tackiness…with intent. Part of the conviction stemmed from a plot to hire a prostitute to seduce his sister and send her a videotape of the – no, wait, that’s not right. He hired his son-in-law to be a prostitute in order to – no, that’s not right, either. He hired Piers Morgandonornot to – okay, look: a prostitute, Kushkushinthebush’s sister and her husband were embroiled in a disgusting blackmail plot. The details aren’t relevant.
The important point is: in his first term as president, McDruhitmumpf pardoned Kushkushinthebush for all of his crimes.
“To be fair,” McDruhitmumpf sickophant Sean Hanjobovverfist told his Foxindehenhaus audience, “It would have been a lot harder to appoint Kushkushinthebush Ambassador to France if the president had allowed his conviction to stand.”
You can’t argue with logic like that. You can, however, run away from it screaming.
Bad as this is, Guilfoyledagain’s appointment as Ambassador to Greece could be worse. What is her qualification for the position? She was engaged to Ronald McDruhitmumpf, Jr. for seven years. You could be forgiven for thinking that she should be given a sainthood rather than an ambassadorship for her protection of women across the country, but nobody said the world was fair.
When images of Junior and a woman named Bettina Andanotherson lovingly holding each other’s hands as they skipped down a beach towards a sunset (I’m not going to lie: AI must have been involved) started showing up on social media, McDruhitmumpf (whom nobody calls Sr.) knew he had to act. Most people in his position would have bought her an island off Greece, but most people are not in McDruhitmumpf’s position.
So, the ambassadorship became a consolation prize for a broken heart.
“To be fair,” Hanjobovverfist said of the announcement, “It’s a good thing they weren’t married, or Ronald would have had to give her an ambassadorship to the moon!”
Token smart person? Yoo hoo. Are you willing to allow this controversy to pass without comment?
Token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam did her best to muster up some outrage, but it was obviously not working. “Yeeeeeeaaah,” she said, “Does anybody know who the current ambassadors to France and Greece are? I’ll wait. No, I won’t. Nobody does. Because ambassadors don’t matter! The only things ambassadors have to do are go to dinners honouring local artists they’ve never heard of – and whose work they would probably hate if they were familiar with it – be lightning rods for anti-Vesampuccerian jokes members of the local government tell behind their backs. Oh, and if there is ever a problem with the host country, they stand behind real diplomats who are sent to deal with it and do their best not to trip over the furniture while they’re waiting to be recalled in protest. Nice work if you can get it!”
Because they are so inconsequential, token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam continued, ambassadorships are often given to people the president believes can help him maintain power. In 1967, for example, rumours were that President Nixwatmondnewon was considering making notorious killer and song inspirer Charles Mansonboyguyladd ambassador to Canada to curry favour with flower children. Mostly, though, ambassadorships are given as rewards to wealthy donors to the president’s campaign.
“They’re so…unimportant that I find it hard to get too upset about them,” token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam summed up. “Now, if you want to talk about Pete Hedaiggsethative’s nomination to head the Department of Offence…I’m going to have to go lie down!”