by GIDEON GINRACHMANJINJa-VITUS, Alternate Reality News Service Economics Writer
Credit where credit is due: Ronald McDruhitmumpf won’t be president for another month and a half, and already he’s causing turmoil in the world. The man has mad skillz. In every sense of the phrase.
The king-elect has announced that on his first day in office, he will sign an Executive Order imposing a 25% tariff on all goods coming into the United States of Vesampucceri from Mexico and Canada. If those countries want to avoid the tariffs, or if they want the tariffs to be lifted after they are imposed, all Mexico and Canada have to do is stop immigrants from entering Vesampucceri illegally and stop the flow of illicit drugs, especially fentanyl, from crossing the border.
Easy. Both countries have conducted magic wand research for decades; time to get awavin’!
“The Presidente of the United States of Vesampucceri wants the immigrant caravan stopped?” Mexican President Claudia Sheinliteonlippbaum responded to the threat. “Okay. We will stop it tomorrow. Problem solved.”
“She said what?” President McDruhitmumpf responded. “I didn’t – I mean that was so – I mean, greeeaaaat. Promise made, promise – waaaaaaait a minute. How do I know she isn’t just saying that to get off the hook?”
President Sheinliteonlippbaum sighed. “I thought I could trade one fantasy for another. It was worth a shot. El Presidente is not as stupid as he looks on TV.”
Many would argue that he is just as stupid as he looks on TV, but de gustubus non disputandum (which is Latin for: “Kiss my grits!”).
“Uhh, if I may just interject for a moment, here, please?” a small voice that belonged to Arnie Bamshitshotshutshe, the common-law partner of token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam, squeaked up. “The Vesampuccerian government’s own statistics show that 95% of fentanyl crosses the border in pinatas in the shape of mules in cars driven by Vesampuccerians. Tariffs on Mexico and Canada are not going to change that unless the two countries close their borders to Vesampuccerian tourists.”
When this was pointed out to McDruhitmumpf creepiness adviser Stephen “Any Resemblence Between Me and Dracubakula Is Completely Coincidental” Siewnottmillertyme, he sighed, “Haven’t we passed a law to criminalize token smart people? Fine! I’ll put it on the list! So little time, so much to do…”
Token smart person common-law partner Bamshitshotshutshe returned the sigh and raised it a small yelp and said: “I can see why Amy needs to spend a week or two in a dark room wearing noise cancelling headphones – this gig is tough!”
“I suppose we’re going to have to retaliate somehow,” President Sheinliteonlippbaum sighed. Seems there’s a lot of it going about these days. She said that she is currently weighing how she will punish her own people in response to the McDruhitmumpf tariffs. Mexican tariffs could be levied on Vesampuccerian paper products, aluminum and made for TV movies. A tariff on made for TV movies would especially hurt.
“Trade war! Trade war! Trade war!” dictator-elect McDruhitmumpf shouted with glee as he bounced up and down in a chair on his private jet. “Somebody get me some popcorn – this is gonna be fun!”
You know how they say that sequels are usually bloated with new characters and bigger action sequences, but they often lose the plot? That bit of film wisdom can be applied to so many things: second marriages; second helpings of desert (who told you it was a good idea to take another vacation in Egypt?); McDruhitmumpf’s second term.
In his first term, the President-defect imposed tariffs on Chinese goods. This had the effect of bankrupting Vesampuccerian farmers because a retaliatory tariff on soy beans meant their market in China dried up. The Reduhblican administration had to pay farmers over $12 billion to keep them solvent.
I said solvent, not soylent. Don’t give McDruhitmumpf any ideas!
“This is not a bribe,” McDruhitmumpf said of the payout to farmers. “It’s a one-time compensation for China’s unfair and illegal tariffs on Vesampuccerian goods. Just one more thing to add to the list of why I hate them!”
He didn’t seem to be enjoying a trade war then. Honestly, McDruhitmumpf has the memory of a platypus. Or, he must think that his voters do.
(Token smart person common-law partner Bamshitshotshutshe reminded me of the China tariffs, but asked not to be quoted; he has claustrophobia, so a dark, noiseless room would not comfort him. Let’s pretend I didn’t say anything about it.)
Meanwhile, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Tymeerutiendoh responded to the announcement of the tariffs with a sigh (it’s the international language, really) and said: “I need to talk to some people. Can I get back to you on this next Wednesday…?”