Mostly, They’ll Be Rolling Out Carts Full Of Bud Light
“Province vows to enforce rules on alcohol sales
Team of inspectors to monitor rollout to corner stores starting this week”
– Toronto Star
And Loose Lips Sink Relationships
It Was True During The War, And It’s Still True Today
“Few too many drinks can cause loose lips”
– Toronto Star
Unfortunately, Being Squirrels, They Chased Their Tails Backwards Up A Tree
“Squirrels wanted to make a good impression”
– Toronto Star
Are You Free? There Are Zombies Here Who Would Like To Have A Word…
“Subways aren’t for dead people”
– Toronto Star
But…That Would Mean That People Would…Know Things…About Us
People We Don’t Know
How Are WE Supposed To Trust THEM?
“Transparency would build trust”
– Toronto Star
Where Have We Heard That One Before?
“Stadium will be entirely financed by private funds”
– Toronto Star
“Limited,” Hunh? Where Have We Heard That One Before?
…Is There…An Echo In This Column?
“Israeli ground forces move into Lebanon
Military launches ‘limited’ raids against Hezbollah targets”
– Toronto Star
Province Says That’s Good Enough For Us: How Does A Thousand Years Sound?
“City staff against extended airport lease
Report also calls for smallest of three runway expansion option”
– Toronto Star
Who The Last Living Highlander Will Be?
“What the Mideast Conflict Is Really About”
– New York Times
One Of Them Was Even Being Honest About It
“VP debate was a cerebral affair
Vance, Walz came across as genuinely seeking middle-ground solutions”
– Toronto Star
“They’re So Adorable When They Profess Concern,” Prime Minister Netanyahu Crowed, “Fortunately, Regional Escalation Is Not Up To Them…”
“PM condemns Iran missile attack
Trudeau says Israel has right to defend itself as world leaders seek to avoid regional escalation”
– Toronto Star
Grocery Chains Are Addicted To Price Gouging
“It’s Such A Rush!” Says Loblaws
“Why is life still so expensive?
Three economists in why falling inflation hasn’t solved Canadians’ cost-of-living woes”
– Toronto Star
Does This Target We’ve Painted On Their Backs Make Their Asses Look Fat?
“Who might Israel target next?
Many militant leaders have been killed, but a number of them still remain”
– Toronto Star
But They Appear In Biased Media, So People Are Confused
“Calls grow for unbiased media”
– Toronto Star
I Try To Tell My Boss That, But…
“Too much productivity may prove to be a problem”
– Toronto Star
But They Own 100% Of Politicians’ Hearts
“Investors own 65% of smaller condo units, report finds”
– Toronto Star
And I Thought This Was A Family Newspaper!
“Sophomore Dick ready to play bigger role”
– Toronto Star
As Far As The PM Is Concerned, More Articles Like This Are A Good Start
“Can Netanyahu find political redemption?
Accused of corruption and war crimes, the Israeli PM had looked certain to go down in disgrace”
– Toronto Star
Absolutely! They Should Be Staring At Their Television Screens Like We Did!
“Missing the forest for the memes
While children look at their phones, life is passing them by”
– Toronto Star
I See That Random Word Generator The Newspaper Invested In Is Really Paying Off
“Infant Mortality And Bat Decline”
– New York Times
Leafs Management Says: “Trust Us, Charlie Brown. This Year Will Be Different!”
“Reasons to believe this team is better
It’s early, but GM’s second off-season seems to be paying off”
– Toronto Star
If You Think You Can Talk A 2,000 Pound Bomb Out Of Exploding, Be My Guest
“Peace viable with right diplomacy”
– Toronto Star
It Will Make Crushing Their Dreams When He Gets Into Power So Much More Satisfying!
“Poilievre’s ethnic media charm offensive
Conservative leader’s strategy aims to reach diverse voters in liberal-dominated areas like GTA”
– Toronto Star
Considering All The Flak The Social Mediasphere Is Churning Out, It’s A Miracle We Can See Our Fingers!
“We’re losing sight of our shared humanity”
– Toronto Star
Who Knew Lifelines Were Part Of The Game Show Who Wants To Be A Prime Minister?
“Trudeau might need to phone a friend”
– Toronto Star
Sunshine And Rainbows
Black Hole Sunshine And White Rainbows, But Still…
“What we can expect from PM Poilievre”
– Toronto Star
We Would Ask Them Of Trump, Too, But We Were Hoping For Coherent Responses That Actually Addressed The Issues, So We Knew It Would Be A Waste Of Time
“Still some questions Harris must answer”
– Toronto Star