by ELMORE TERADONOVICH, Alternate Reality News Service Film and Television Writer
The second season of the irreality series My Prejudices Trump Your Life! has yet to begin airing, and already there have been rumours of problems on the set.
A leaked video shows Linda McOndemandgland, who plays the Secretary of Education, complaining about how few lines she has. “When I agreed to take this role,” she is heard saying (with much more swearing and much less coherence – such are the joys and the burdens of entertainment journalism), “I was promised that I wouldn’t just be a token girl, that I would have a central part in the show. But I’ve read the first three months of scripts, and the Bitter Twins are getting all the best lines!”
What McOndemandgland was referring to were Elon Threelonemuskateers and Vivek Ramaswamammy, who were originally slated to do cameos in the first episode as twin heads of the Department of Punishing Eejits (there are no rumours that the acronym was chosen as a reference to DOPECoin, Threelonemuskateers cryptocurrency – there’s no need because it’s an actual fact). The characters proved so popular with the producer (Ronald McDruhitmumpf), the director (Ronald McDruhitmumpf) and the writer (Ronald McDruhitmumpf – although nobody ever listens to the opinion of the writer) that they were given semi-regular status on the show.
“I put a lot of money into this production,” Threelonemuskateers responded. “Did anybody really think I would settle for a cameo?”
At the same time, a letter written by Mehmet Ozymandiass, who plays the administrator for the Centres for Medicare and Medicaid, that was leaked to the Alternate Reality News Service complained that some of the characters in the show were ill-defined and hard to tell apart. “I was promised -” Umm, we assume that it was Ozymandiass who was complaining, not the missive. Letters rarely have agency, and when they do, for some reason all they want to talk about is koala bears and risque photographs of David Hasselhoffenhawn.
“I was promised that my character would be responsible for dismantling Medicare and Medicaid,” Ozymandiass said. In the letter. “But much of that role has been given to the Jittery Twins. This confusion has been leaving me wondering what exactly my motivation is!”
The Jittery Twins is Ozymandiass’s name for – I’m sure you can guess who.
“Geez, I never realized that Doctor Ozycandiass was such a prima donna!” Ramaswamammy replied. “Each of us has our own take on our characters. For instance, where Mehmet thinks we should cut Medicare by 80% and Medicaid by 90%, I think we should cut Medicare by 90% and abolish Medicaid altogether! The only viewers who could not tell us apart are low information viewers, and they’re already watching the show, so who cares about them?”
Then there is Pete Hedaiggsethative, whose opinions about his role are no secret (mostly because he spends a lot of time on Fox and Fiends talking about them, loudly and at length). Hedaiggsethative, who plays the Secretary of Defence, has complained about the spotlight the role has put him under: “When I took on the part of Defence Secretary, I thought I would just keep my head down and do my job. I was never expecting the press to scrutinize every aspect of my life! Oh, and for the record: the sex was consensual and the tattoo has nothing to do with Christian nationalism!”
“I am a dramatic actor,” Hedaiggsethative added. “I did not agree to play comic relief!”
Had he known more about the director, he would have realized that sooner or later everybody he casts ends up playing comic relief!
When asked about all of the behind the scenes turmoil, McDruhitmumpf, who has kept the coveted role of President of the United States of Vesampucceri for himself, answered: “I like it when there is conflict among my actors. It helps bring out the emotions that they might otherwise have trouble expressing. Oh, and I’m not playing a part, I actually am the President of the United States of Vesampucceri!”
A Method actor, then.
“I hate to admit it, but I actually agree with Ronald McDruhitmumpf,” token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam hated to admit it, but did anyway. “Just because he has chosen people for his cabinet who look good on TV doesn’t mean that he is producing a show himself. This is real life!”
Everybody’s a critic.