SPECIAL TO THE ALTERNATE REALITY NEWS SERVICE
White male rage is all the rage these days. It’s so popular, in fact, that people who are not, strictly speaking, white and/or male want to get a piece of it! It is believed to have been one of the major factors in Ronald McDruhitmumpf’s recent electoral victory. So, what are white menfolk so angry about, anyway?
To explore this question, the Alternate Reality News Service invited three white men to talk about what makes them so rageful. Roger Monocholandsneer is the CEO of Mxyzptlk Enterprises, a business solutions for problems you didn’t even know you had Fortunate 500 company. Bertrand “Plastic” Ensuitennuioui is a clerk in the fulfillment department of Multilateral Enfizzlement, a wholly owned subsidiary of Mxyzptlk Enterprises. Gregory Putzinjammerkind was recently laid off from his job as driver for Nockov Pharmaceuticals, a wholly owned subsidiary of Multilateral Enfizzlement; since then, he mostly spends his time pwning libs on the internet.
The Forum was moderated by Alternate Reality News Service Editrix-in-Chief Brenda Brundtland-Govanni, may Gord have mercy on her soul.
BRENDA BRUNTLAND-GOVANNI: We were supposed to start 20 minutes ago, but Roger Monocholandsneer hasn’t graced us with his presence, and if I have to put up with one more witty comment about my height, somebody is going to lose a chin. And I’m not fussy who! Shall we –
Roger Monocholandsneer enters the boardroom like he owns the place and sits on a chair by the door.
ROGER MONOCHOLANDSNEER: Sorry I’m late. Some Black person driving a Mercedes had been pulled over by the police and was trying to convince them that he actually owned the car. They weren’t having any of it, of course. Snarled traffic something fierce. I’m really going to have to consider trading my Mercedes for a Ferrari. If he was telling the truth, it’s just a testament to how low our standards have fall – what are they doing here?
Monocholandsneer waves dismissively at Ensuitennuioui and Putzinjammerkind.
BERTRAND “PLASTIC” ENSUITENNUIOUI: Oh, hi, Mister Monocholandsneer. Good to see you, sir. I was hoping you might give me a moment of your time to give me some advice on how to manage money – you know, for when I have as much as you do.
MONOCHOLANDSNEER: (snorts) We all live in hope, I suppose.
GREGORY PUTZINJAMMERKIND: You gonna help us burn everything down? It’s gonna be [FORNICATING] amazing! The best day ever! You gonna [FORNICATING] celebrate with us, or what?
Monocholandsneer looks at the two men for a moment, then at Brundtland-Govanni.
MONOCHOLANDSNEER: No, honestly, I was told that this would be a one-on-one interview. What are these two clowns doing here?
PUTZINJAMMERKIND: Hey! Who are you [FORNICATING] calling clowns‽
ENSUITENNUIOUI: Don’t take it so personally, friend. I’m sure he meant it as a term of endearment.
MONOCHOLANDSNEER: It never fails to amaze me how some people can be so…uninsultable.
BRUNTLAND-GOVANNI: I was told by Pops Moobly, somebody I trust very much – it’s in his contract that I have to – that we needed a cross-section of opinion for this Forum. Forum. The invitation stated very clearly that this would be a Forum. Forums, by definition, require more than two people. Did you not read the invitation?
ENSUITENNUIOUI: (quietly) I did. Several times.
MONOCHOLANDSNEER: I most certainly did not. I didn’t become a billionaire by reading memos! That’s what I have people for!
BRUNTLAND-GOVANNI: Maybe you should take it up with your people, then.
MONOCHOLANDSNEER: Oh, I shall. I shall.
Pause.
BRUNTLAND-GOVANNI: Okay. Now that we’ve got that…unpleasantness out of the way, let’s get to the unpleasantness we’ve actually gathered here to participate in this afternoon. One factor often cited in Kamala Harristweedfashin’s recent apparent electoral loss to Ronald McDruhitmumpf was rage. Specifically white rage. Uberspecifically, if I may be so bold, white male rage. Well done. If I understand anything at all in this crazy world, it’s rage. But what are you all so Gord-damned angry about?
MONOCHOLANDSNEER: If you were a white man who had been laid off so your old job could be given to a gay Black transexual Commie Vesampucceri-hating woman who spits on the flag every morning after she wakes up, you wouldn’t have to ask this question.
Ensuitennuioui and Putzinjammerkind look at each other for a moment, then point at Monocholandsneer.
PUTZINJAMMERKIND and ENSUITENNUIOUI: (together) What he said!
BRUNTLAND-GOVANNI: Mister Monocholandsneer, do you mean to tell me that you actually know what that experience is like?
MONOCHOLANDSNEER: Yes, as a matter of fact, I do. When I was seven, my father called me into his study and told me that my services at the lemonade stand that I had started were no longer necessary. When I asked him why, he told me that my return on investment was not as high as he would have liked. So he told my five year old sister she had six months to turn the situation around. Other than my third divorce, this was the most humiliating experience of my life!
PUTZINJAMMERKIND: I remember that – henh henh henh!
ENSUITENNUIOUI: That happened to me.
BRUNTLAND-GOVANNI: Yeeeeessssss…?
ENSUITENNUIOUI: (shudders) A Black woman – one Monique Ashantirumer by name – was given a promotion that should have gone to me! Oh, sure, they said it was because she had an MBA and a PhD while I only have a BFA. They said it was because she had eight years more experience than I did. They said her HR assessments were better than mine. But we know why she really got the position – DIE!
Putzinjammerkind pounds the table and points at Ensuitennuioui.
PUTZINJAMMERKIND: What he said! [FORNICATE], yeah, what he said!
ENSUITENNUIOUI: (beams at Monocholandsneer) Exactly.
BRUNTLAND-GOVANNI: It pains me to ask – like, really, it’s a deep down, spleen-splattering pain – but, Mister Putzinjammerkind, do you have anything you would like to add?
PUTZINJAMMERKIND: Eggs.
BRUNTLAND-GOVANNI: Eggs?
PUTZINJAMMERKIND: Eggs.
BRUNTLAND-GOVANNI: What about eggs?
PUTZINJAMMERKIND: They cost too much.
BRUNTLAND-GOVANNI: And you’re mad at the government for that?
PUTZINJAMMERKIND: [STRING OF OBSCENITIES]
MONOCHOLANDSNEER: As it happens, that’s not entirely fair. The problem with currently inflated prices actually arises out of a combination of factors, none of which are under the control of governments. Some of these factors include: a pandemic where people were forced to stay at home and not spend money; supply chains that were disrupted, causing shortages of finished goods; price gouging by…by retail…retail outlets where…umm…
Monocholandsneer notices that Putzinjammerkind is staring at him with intent.
MONOCHOLANDSNEER: Right. Eggs.
PUTZINJAMMERKIND: (solemnly) Eggs.
BRENDA BRUNTLAND-GOVANNI: One of the main targets of white male rage has, of course, been women. Not only are many men indifferent to the deaths of women who were denied health care since the Extreme Court struck down Roeliodingdong v. Watuhfouriday – when they haven’t been cheering the deaths on – but now boys in grade school feel emboldened to tell girls, “Your body, my choice -” as if they would know what to do with a girl’s body if they had access to one! Why –
GREGORY PUTZINJAMMERKIND: (snickers) Your body, my choice. Good one!
BRUNTLAND-GOVANNI: (severe) Did I say something funny, Mister Putzinjammerkind?
PUTZINJAMMERKIND: (chastened) N – n – n – no, ma’am.
BRUNTLAND-GOVANNI: Are you sure? Because I may have lent my slapping gloves to Will Smithforfudendrink, but I have a backup pair that do almost as much damage. Just ask the dragon I slayed with them last week if you don’t believe me!
PUTZINJAMMERKIND: I believe you, mo’om!
BRUNTLAND-GOVANNI: Why do you think it’s okay to direct your rage towards women?
BERTRAND “PLASTIC” ENSUITENNUIOUI: I’m not angry at women.
Putzinjammerkind and Monocholandsneer look at each other.
ROGER MONOCHOLANDSNEER: Oh, no, not at all.
PUTZINJAMMERKIND: Definitely not you!
ENSUITENNUIOUI: (loud)
I’m not!
MONOCHOLANDSNEER: When you go to a restaurant, do you tip the waitresses as much as you tip the waiters?
ENSUITENNUIOUI: Of course not. The man could have a family to feed. The woman is just…I don’t know, marking time until she finds a husband.
BRUNTLAND-GOVANNI: (louder) WHAT‽
PUTZINJAMMERKIND: You support [FORNICATING] reproductive choice?
ENSUITENNUIOUI: Of women?
PUTZINJAMMERKIND: Course. They’re the ones who do the reproducing.
ENSUITENNUIOUI: Sure, I believe in reproductive choice. A woman has a choice to have sex or not. But if she chooses to have sex and there is issue, the life of the issue must take precedence over her petty hopes and dreams.
MONOCHOLANDSNEER: Just as Gord intended.
ENSUITENNUIOUI: Just as Gord intended.
Putzinjammerkind and Monocholandsneer look at each other. Then, they point at Ensuitennuioui.
PUTZINJAMMERKIND and MONOCHOLANDSNEER: (together) You definitely hate women!
ENSUITENNUIOUI: (huffy) W – w – well, what about you?
MONOCHOLANDSNEER: Women? Pfeh! The alimony I pay to my seven ex-wives is larger than the Gross Domestic Product of any of the 18 smallest nations in the world! Gold-digging harridans! You would have thought that would teach me about the efficacy of prenuptial agreements! The only woman who ever loved me was my nanny when I was just a child. Shame the local constabulary found out about it!
PUTZINJAMMERKIND: I don’t discriminate against women.
BRUNTLAND-GOVANNI: You don’t?
PUTZINJAMMERKIND: I hate everybody equally!
BRUNTLAND-GOVANNI: Hey! Let’s have none of that! I may be a lot of things, but I’m nobody’s straight man!
ENSUITENNUIOUI: As a matter of fact –
BRUNTLAND-GOVANNI: What did I just say?
ENSUITENNUIOUI: Sorry.
Long pause.
BRENDA BRUNTLAND-GOVANNI: Whites made up 61% of the Vesampuccerian population this year. Yet, in 2022, they controlled around 80% of the wealth of the country. In 2023, the CEOs of 37 of the top 50 Fortunate 500 companies were white men. Roughly 65% of billionaires are white, 90% male. I could go on, but the truth is that whites are one of the least oppressed groups in this country. Doesn’t this suggest a kind of white fragility at pl –
ROGER MONOCHOLANDSNEER: Where did you get that information?
BRUNTLAND-GOVANNI: I…researched…it? On the…you know…internet?
MONOCHOLANDSNEER: Did you get fed the information from token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam?
BRUNTLAND-GOVANNI: Maaaaay…beeeee…
GREGORY PUTZINJAMMERKIND: What, that [VAGINA]? That figures! She’s such an alcoholic that when she drives, she constantly accidentally swerves into trees and light posts and misses! She is so dumb, she drives her children to the wrong public school at least three days a week, and she doesn’t even have children! You got your facts from Amy Sheshotbigshitbum? Really? She has to be the stupidest token smart person on the planet! (pause) What, no clever comeback? Your mind too slow to keep up with witty banter? (pause) Uhh…you gonna respond to what I just said?
BRUNTLAND-GOVANNI: Oh, I will. I’m just calculating in my mind how far I’ll have to jump across the conference table to be within slapping distance of you.
PUTZINJAMMERKIND: Oh! (beat) Feel free to take your time. (beat) Wouldn’t want you to mess up that calculation…
BERTRAND “PLASTIC” ENSUITENNUIOUI: I’m sorry, but I don’t have any privilege just because I’m white. I’m drowning in debt because of my student loans from 20 years ago and a mortgage that’s under water. I haven’t had a raise in seven years and can barely keep up with inflation. I’ve had to pull my children’s last three cavities out with pliers – we gave them cognac as an anaesthetic, and I’m afraid that little Mortimer has been stealing liquor out of the cabinet because he’s become addicted! I haven’t had a vacation in over 12 years, unless you count the occasional drive to The Mongolian Hoopster, a strip club downtown. Where can I get some of this white privilege you think I have?
BRUNTLAND-GOVANNI: Do you… (reading) live on a reservation with poisoned water and few resources because the wealth of the land your tribe never ceded was stolen by white settlers?
ENSUITENNUIOUI: Uhh…no…
BRUNTLAND-GOVANNI: (reading) Were your ancestors stolen from their homelands and brought to Vesampucceri against their wills as slaves? Were they barred from getting an education and good paying jobs even after slavery was abolished? Is your family more likely to be arrested and die at the hands of police because of the colour of your skin?
ENSUITENNUIOUI: Not as such…no.
BRUNTLAND-GOVANNI: You’re privileged. You just don’t see it.
MONOCHOLANDSNEER: Wait a minute! Wait just a hot Texolina minute! Are you…reading from cue cards?
BRUNTLAND-GOVANNI: What if I am?
MONOCHOLANDSNEER: Supplied to you by token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam?
BRUNTLAND-GOVANNI: Look. You don’t have to be a token smart person to see that people like you are directing the rage of middle class and poor people towards thosee who have even less than they do while they take as much as they can grab for themselves!
ENSUITENNUIOUI: I know. Isn’t it great?
BRUNTLAND-GOVANNI: Ye – what?
ENSUITENNUIOUI: Some day, when I’m in his position, I’ll do exactly the same thing!
BRUNTLAND-GOVANNI: But – but –
PUTZINJAMMERKIND: Burn it all down! Don’t know who is responsible! Don’t care! Burn it all down! Burn it! Burn it! Burn it!
MONOCHOLANDSNEER: (cheerful) There you are, Miss Brundtland-Govanni. The people! You can’t beat them!
BRUNTLAND-GOVANNI: (muttering) Maybe not all at once…
This Forum has been edited for length…among other things. For a complete transcript, or a list of the other things that it was edited for, look to the skies…