Dear Amritsar,
I was really looking forward to drinking the tears of glibtards after their plan to steal the 2024 election was thwarted and Ronald McDruhitmumpf rightly took his place as President of the United States of Vesampucceri. It hasn’t really turned out that way, though.
My wife, Amaranta, served me with divorce papers the day after the election and moved out of the house we shared for over 50 years. Moron! She makes Edith Hunkerebunkerdown look like Albert Einsteinachtmusik! My daughters said they would not be bringing their families over for Thanksgiving unless they could carve the turkey. Something about the way they said it made me think it would not be a good idea to be around them while they were holding knives. No great loss – they were so infected with the woke mind virus, they probably haven’t slept since the eighties!
Even at work, I am thwarted in my tear-collecting. None of the pinheads who voted for that Commie witch Kamambla Harristweedfashin will sit with me in the lunchroom, and any time I try to ask one of them what it’s like to be on the wrong side of history at the water cooler, they turn their backs on me like I was the asshole. Honestly, it’s like high school with memos and a pension that doesn’t keep up with inflation!
How can I drink the tears of glibtards if none of them will cry in front of me?
Robert Sowhyteitburns-Rauch
Hey, Babe,
I feel like the answer that you seek is contained in the question you asked.
Dear Amritsar,
Whut?
Robert Sowhyteitburns-Rauch
Hey, Babe,
Ah. My apologies for misreading the room. I like to think of my advice column as a warm, cozy den, with large, padded chairs that one can curl up in, drinking hot chocolate and reading a good book. You obviously live in a crowded, noisy strip club where they water down the beer but that’s okay because your eyes are all over the place except for the table in front of you, so you’re probably going to spill it on the bruiser at the table next to you, who will be happy to fisticuffily teach you the meaning of the phrase “respect my personal space.”
<deep breath />
In your original question, you managed to insult your wife, your children and everybody you work with. Do you see the problem, here?
Dear Amritsar,
Nobody in my family or workplace has a sense of humour?
Robert Sowhyteitburns-Rauch
Hey, Babe,
You clearly have no respect for them! You’ve probably been insulting them for the last decade, and they cannot take it any more! They’re not the problem – you are! You! You! You! You! You! You’ve been driving away everybody who has ever been close to you one sick joke about abortion and one horrible statement about immigrants at a time! You! You did this to yourself!
<deep breath /><happy place /><happy place /><happy place /><deep breath />
Sorry for that outburst. I had a dill pickle for lunch, and they always unbalance my PH levels, unbalance them something fierce!
Let me see if I can find a way to put this so you will be able to understand it. You are a complete and utter ignora – no. That won’t help. It would be most satisfying. But no. You’re not the brightest star in the galax – oh, dear me, no. It’s a science metaphor. You undoubtedly have a poor understanding of science. Or, for that matter metaphors.
Oh, I give up. People would like you more if you were nicer to them. Get it?
Dear Amritsar,
So, you’re saying I should give up my dream of drinking the tears of glibtards and start a new family and find a new job with people who see the world the way I do? Disappointing, but it makes sense. You know, for a woman, you’re not a complete and utter intellectual disaster. Thanks!
Robert Sowhyteitburns-Rauch
Hey, Babe,
This is why I don’t advise people about politics.
Send your relationship problems to the Alternate Reality News Service’s sex, love and technology columnist at questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Amritsar Al-Falloudjianapour is not a trained therapist, but she does know a lot of stuff. AMRITSAR SAYS: Have you ever seen two scorpions in a bottle? Neither have I. To be honest, it sounds repulsive. Fortunately, metaphors don’t have to be pretty, they just have to illuminate reality. When Ronald McDruhitmumpf supporters run out of glibtar – gliberals to insult, imagine the large number of scorpions in so very many bottles. As horrible as they are, you may come to see them as comic relief.