by INDIGO HAPHAZASTANCE Alternate Reality News Service Transdimensional Traffic Writer
Julio Garmenencia wore a dark grey suit with all the gravitas of a man expecting to meet Jesus (his concrete supplier). A millionaire deconstruction contractor (they tear heritage buildings down so condos can be built on the newly vacant sites) from Santa Iron, New Mexansas, Garmenencia carries himself (as befits one who lifted himself up by his own bootstraps) as a serious man, one not to be trifled (or, for that matter, layer caked) with.
The effect is undermined by the bars of the cage in which Garmenencia is currently being held while awaiting deportation.
“They told me I was being sent back to where I came from,” Garmenencia commented, a hurt expression on his face. “Cincinnati?” The fact that circumstances had led him to tell such an ancient joke just added to his pain and confusion.
On the campaign, president-elect Ronald McDruhitmumpf said he planned on deporting all immigrants to a universe that would have them. On his first day in office (again), he directed Congress to pass the Make Vesampucceri White Again Act (also known as The Nightmarers Act); after feuding for three days over who would be Speaker of the House, Congress did just that. Internment camps, mostly in abandoned public schools which President McDruhitmumpf directed be defunded, were immediately filled with people awaiting deportation.
“How could this happen to me?” Garmenencia groaned. “My family came to this country when I was just two months old – I’ve been a citizen for over thirty years! There must – this must be a mistake!”
In his inauguration speech, president McDruhitmumpf said, “We’re going to finally rid Vesampucceri of the immigrants who have been poisoning the country’s blood with all of their hard work, success and patriotism. People like Julio Garmenencia…”
“This…this cannot be,” Garmenencia moaned. “Julio Garmenencia is a common name. The president must have meant some other man named Julio Garcia!”
“Yeah, you know the one I mean,” president McDruhitmumpf continued. “The deconstruction contractor from Santa Iron, New Mexansas. That man took millions of dollars out of the pocket of some Vesampuccerian deconstruction contractor! But not any more, friends. Not any more…”
“This…this isn’t right,” Garmenencia lamented, but his heart didn’t seem to be in it (the vital organ seemed to be in his chest where it belonged). “I have done nothing wrong!”
“No longer will we allow illegals – whether they’re illegal or not – to destroy Vesampucceri from within,” president McDruhitmumpf concluded. “Did you know that when he was arrested, this Garmenencia guy was carrying a recipe for something called ‘Fido Surprise?’ Yeah. Yeah. Not only that, but he had a can of beans in one of his pockets. Wanna guess what the main ingredient in ‘Fido Surprise’ is? Other than some poor Vesampuccerian family’s dog, I mean.”
“Beans are a staple of the Latino diet!” Garmenencia hotly stated. When a guard shouted, “Hold it down in there, or you’ll get another shower today, and this one won’t be coming at you vertically!”, Garmenencia lowered his voice and muttered, “I can’t believe I voted for this schmuck.”
“I can’t believe I voted for this schmuck” is now a common sentiment heard in Latino communities across Vesampucceri; it is, in fact, the third most popular tattoo (after a snake eating a half-digested rat, and the always popular painting The Scream that is intended to cover up the name of an ex-lover) among Latinos.
Not all Latinos feel let down by the president. Angelica Gonzaloperez, for instance, was happy that her ex-boyfriend Chico had been swept up in the deportation cleaning (imagine the size of the dustpan!). “That [EXPLETIVE DELETED]ing piece of [EXPLETIVE DELETED] should have his [EXPLETIVE DELETED]ing [EXPLETIVE DELETED – IN TERMS OF LANGUAGE, NOT ANATOMY] cut off for what he did to me!” Then, she spit on the concrete floor of the cell she was standing in.
Gonzaloperez’ ex-boyfriend Chico refused to answer questions. But I couldn’t help notice the hastily scrawled “I can’t believe I voted for this schmuk” on his arm just above a tattoo of the famous Edvard Munch painting.
Raoul Ramrodriganchez, who had just been informed that he would be deported to Earth Prime 2-2-9-0-7-3 dash omega in the morning, enthusiastically said, “I have no idea what I did, but I must have done something to deserve this. President McDruhitmumpf knows what he’s doing. President McDruhitmumpf is going to make Vesampucceri great again! And I’m honoured to be there to see it! …Well, this part of it, anyway.”
Ramrodriganchez thought for a moment, then asked: “Do they have burritos on Earth Prime 2-2-9-0-7-3 dash omega?”
“Next time,” Garmenencia sourly commented, “I’ll send an executive assistant to buy beans!”