by ELMORE TERADONOVICH, Alternate Reality News Service Film and Television Writer
Bored of the Rings: The Rings of Powerlessness
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JRR Tolbooth’s Bored of the Rings is widely considered to be the wellspring from which modern epic fantasy flows. Less well known are all of the appendices, footnotes, codexes and made up languages – so many made up languages! – that
Dis is de way yer gonna start a review of Da Rings of Powerlessness? Jeez a Sneeze, dat’s lame, even by your standards! broke in Eric Niptickler, the guy who works at the drycleaners down the street who always, for reasons of his own to which I am not privy, starches my socks.
Before I could respond, Melissa Devries-Frye, the dog walker for my imaginary pet Archibald Leaps, chimed in, Darling, don’t be too hard on the boy. Nobody reads reviews for the opinion of the reviewer any more. All we care about is a synopsis of the story and if the actors look fabulous.
Dat’s exactly my point! Eric replied. Jeez Louise’s bee’s knees, nobody wants ta wade through paragraphs of pointless pontification! Dis is de internet age – get straight ta da point or I’ll go to a video of a man trynna fend off weasels flyin’ outta a hurricane with a chainsaw!
I would watch that, Melissa agreed.
It’s important to set the context for a work of art, I argued. Whether it’s a book, a television series or a cave painting, no art exists in a vacu
Sounds like your reviews are written to a specific formula, interjected Desmond dela Hotz Crosse Bunny, a guy who once drove me to blind taste testing therapy in his uberfahrzeug. Isn’t that the way generative AI works? Are you an actual human being, or are you an AI?
You had me in your uberfahrzeug! I protested. You know I’m a real person!
Do I, though? You could have just been a human beard being directed by an artificial intelligence to throw me off the scent! Yeah, you were good – you really fooled me. You were probably the human beard, moustach and sideburns – the whole fake facial hair package!
Oh, dear lord, spare us the science fiction conspiracy theories! groaned Felicity Ancaster-Arnprior-Gestalt, who has an office in my bank even though nobody seems to know what she actually does. It’s bad enough that writers like Elmore Teradonobitch use generative AI to “help” them write their articles – you don’t have to fantasize that they are Ais!
According to the Alternate Reality News Service policy guide colouring book (I especially liked pencil crayoning the section on quoting sources out of context), writers are forbidden from using generative AI in writing our articles…when Brenda Brundtland-Govanni is watching. Oh, and the name is Teradonovitch, but it’s a common mistake. Too common for my comfort, actually. So common, in fact, that I have printed up cards with the correct spelling on the front and the history of the name on the back.
Jeez Louise in a Stiff Breeze, that’s exactly the kind of overwriting I’m talking about! Nobody wants a 576 word explanation of the history of your name in six point type!
Seven, I sniffed. It’s actually in seven point ty –
[Teradonobitch! – hee hee. Teradonobitch. That’s hilarious! – get a grip, man! You’ve completely lost control over the article! And you know what happens when a writer loses control of their article! BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI, EDITRIX-IN-CHIEF]
It won’t run?
[Oh, it’s going to run. It’s going to run with a vengeance. No, you’ll just get paid for the words you contributed. Everything else will be considered an op-ed. As you know, we don’t pay for op-eds. Bad enough we have to put up with the opinions of people who work here – you think I want to encourage strangers tracking their opinions all over the office carpets? Wrap it up, and I’ll do my best to keep this fiasco out of the end-of-year gag reel. BB-G]
Okay, so, umm, in conclusion, The Rings of Powerlessness extends Tolbooth’s fictional realm in ways that should be both familiar to those who are fans of Bored of the Rings and yet original. Anybody else will be hopelessly lost, much like a hobbit vacationing in Mordor.
Hmm. That conclusion was somewhat…stale. If I’m being totally honest, I don’t think it would be easy to eat toasted or even soaked in Belgian onion soup. Nice try, dear, but you should probably call it a day and start working on a new article in the morning.
[Teradonobitch! – hee hee. BB-G]