by FRED CHARUNDER-MACHARRUNDEIRA, Alternate Reality News Service Science Writer
Ned Feeblish is a man of many hats.
For Orange Orangutan Inc. (a wholly owned subsidiary of MultiNatCorp, “We do adorably obscure stuff!”), Feeblish is the Vice President of Public Relations and Oddment Recommendations. For Interstellar Actualizations Ltd. (a partially owned, partially rented subsidiary of MultiNatCorp, “We do space flight and astral projection stuff!”), Feeblish is Vice President, Public Relations and Out of the Box Demonstrations. For Grngrx LLCCTV (a partially owned, fully disgusting subsidiary of MultiNatCorp, “We do consonant only stuff!”), Feeblish is Vice President, Public Relations and Mild Remonstrations.
In fact, Feeblish is listed as a Vice President in at least 1,237 corporate org charts. How is this possible for one man? It isn’t. They are clones.
Ned Feeblish is a man of many heads.
“Whenever MultiNatCorp takes over or partners with a new company, out come the test tubes and – boom! – another Ned pops up three weeks later!” Ned Feeblish, Vice President, Public Relations and Ego Perforations for MultiNatCorp (“We do merger and acquisitions stuff!”), said from his modest bungalow in downtown Bangalore, Maine. “And of course, when I talk about test tubes, I am being metaphorical, as the process is proprietary and I am forbidden by law and geas from talking about it.”
When I asked Feeblish whether the different versions of him know about each other, he told me that MultiNatCorp has an internal Discard server, known as NED Talk, specifically for the clones. “We trade war stories and best practices and food prep instructions,” Feeblish said. “Last week, Ned in Sacramento shared the most amazing squirrel roadkill stew recipe – it looks delicious!”
Feeblish went on to tell me the story of Ned Feeblish, Vice President, Public Relations and Industry Deregulations for International ConglomerTech (a partially owned subsidiary of MultiNatCorp, “We do the stuff of nightmares!” and a partially owned subsidiary of Meta, “You know the kind of stuff they do!”). Three years ago, he stopped contributing to NED Talk. When the company tracked him down, it turned out that he had bought a small Caribbean island with money he had embezzled from the company, and was creating a lair in a volcano out of which he planned to start a world war between the United States and China so that the company could profit from rebuilding the world afterwards.
MultiNatCorp is monitoring that Feeblish’s progress. It has assured lawmakers in the US and China that it won’t allow him to go through with his plan if the profit margin isn’t high enough.
“Sometimes a Ned goes rogue,” Feeblish chuckled. “The cloning process isn’t perfect, and mutations can occur. Usually, they’re harmless enough, like the Ned who decided to run off to Hollywood to become a character actor, or the one who decided to be a stay-at-home dad. Crazy? Sure. But not in a gun in a bell tower kind of way!” Feeblish’s brow furrowed. “To be honest, it had never even occurred to me that I could have a relationship and start a family. I wonder if that’s part of the psychological profile they inculcate into us in the pod train – but, I’ve said too much, already.”
I wondered why, given the wealth of intelligence in the gene pool, MultiNatCorp used its cloning technology to recreate a middle manager.
“I suppose I should be insulted by that,” Feeblish responded. “I think I will be offended, instead. You know, middle managers are the backbone of international corporate culture. We are the people who write the minutes of the meetings where corporate policies are established. Without us, how would CEOs keep track of whether the company was supposed to be increasing fulfillment in the third quarter or fulfilling increasement in the second quarter?”
Hastily changing the subject, I asked Feeblish what he does to relax. He looked perplexed. “Relax? I…I’ve never heard that word before.”
I asked him what he does for leisure, but that concept also seemed to baffle him. “I understand that there are Neds in the leisure wear industry, but, not being one of them, I don’t give it much thought. All of my clothes are business casual, including my pyjamas. Is that what you’re getting at?”
It wasn’t. I tried one more time, by asking him what he does for fun when he’s not working.
“Everything I do is related to my work,” Feeblish answered. “I appreciate your examples of reading books or going to movies, but that’s just not something…I…do – why isn’t that something I do? You know, I think I’m going to have to look into my pod training a little deeper!”