Thank you, Lauren Ipsum, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we were shocked, shocked we tell you, to read reports that internet influencers were paid hundreds of thousands of dollars by Russia to promote its propaganda, and we didn’t receive a penny! Not one Red cent! Why not, RT? We’re influencers. We influence plenty! Sure, we do! And we’re not asking for $100,000 a week. We would gladly peddle your propagandistic poop for 45 bucks and a corned beef sandwich! Twenty-seven bucks and a BLT, even! You see – we’re flexible. Vlad! Have your people call our people – you won’t regret it!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
You Have To Be Brainwashed To Think That This Can Be Sanewashed
Child care is child care. Never have truer words been spoken. Or, given that they were in response to the question of what specific legislation former President Donald Trump would advance to make child care affordable, more confusing.
Pruned of much of its verbiage (where is Chauncey Gardiner when you need him?), it is possible to argue that Trump was saying that high tariffs on imported goods would raise government revenues high enough to pay for a child care program. Maybe. If you squint. Or hit yourself in the head with a brick until your ears are ringing and you can’t see straight.
But all those words! It’s like a mind imploding in on itself like a black hole, spewing language the way the physical phenomenon releases Hawking radiation. If they could only harness the power of his ping-ponging mind, mathematicians could create the first true random number generator.
More worrying than Trump’s obvious mental deterioration is the fact that the business leaders at the New York Economic Club where he spoke gave him a minute-long ovation for it, proving that as long as their profits are secure, they’ll stand for anything. Then, there was the commentator who claimed to be “impressed” by Trump’s “defence of free market policies” – at Fox News, they really know how to put the ditz in pundits!
This is the man Republican voters trust with the nuclear codes? I wouldn’t trust him to catch a cold!
SOURCE: Karl’s Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
more
It Will Be A Hellmark Card, Of Course
Hellmark Really Does Have Cards For All Occasions!
The Toronto Police Association is expected to launch a public relations campaign to win support for its position on what appears to be stalled contract negotiations with the city.
Their batons, for instance, will be livened up with stickers of smiling emojis. When they use pepper spray, it will be a new mix with a minty fresh flavour. And of course, when they shoot people in emotional distress, they will send a condolence card to the deceased’s closest identifiable family.
Oh, yeah. They deserve every penny they are asking for.
SOURCE: NOW and THEN
[http://www.now&thentoronto.com/news/story.cfm?content=448612]
more
Hard To Know Whose Endorsement Was The More Surprising
Today in a surprise move, Darth Vader endorsed Princess Leia for leader of rebel forces.
“The Princess has proven herself a formidable leader over the last few years,” Vader told a hushed (they’re always hushed – he has a way of keeping audience members speechless) press conference. “While she and I have had, and continue to have, many significant policy differences, I believe that she is the best person to lead the resistance at this time.”
Former Vice President Dick Cheney looked at this endorsement and said, “Hold my beer…”
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2024Sep04.html]
more
Remember That When You Assume, You Make An Ass Out Of You And The Canadian Electorate
The New Democratic Party has posted a video on TwitterX explaining why it ended its supply and confidence deal with the Liberals. Soon after the video came out, the NDP found itself having to explain why an image in the video that claimed to be of Parliament was actually of the Russian Kremlin.
“It was a stock image,” the NDP said in a statement. “Nowhere did the service mention where the image had come from. It was an innocent mistake anybody could have made.”
“Anybody who was blind!” Conservative leader Pierre Poilievre scoffed.
When he was reminded that only two weeks ago, the Conservatives ran an ad on TwitterX that purported to show the bleak devastation that would hit the west if the Liberals were given another term in office that featured a black and white image from a Russian gulag from the 1950s, Poilievre shrugged. “That wasn’t a mistake,” he stated. “It was a metaphor.”
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20240907.eladvote0907_@/BNStory/newsOops2024/]
more
More Lawsuits Than Hilarity, But The Laugh Track Will Make It More Palatable
10pm
The Office
NBC
A strange, unpleasant smell begins to permeate the offices of Dunder Mifflin. Michael Scott (Steve Carrell), who believes that the cause is a plumbing problem, suggests that people place pine tree car sanitizers in their workspaces until the problem is dealt with. Four days later, when Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson), who has taken to wearing a gas mask that he inherited from his grandfather who wore it during WWI, seeks out accountant Qualiva Portico (Kevin Costner), he finds the man’s dead body in his cubicle. Lawsuits, and hilarity, ensue.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
more
It’s Not Obfuscation. It’s Voter Outreach.
When asked what his strategy would be in his upcoming presidential debate with Kamala Harris, former President Donald Trump had his sentencing hearing on his 34 felony count conviction delayed until after the November election.
Ooh. Sorry. I don’t know what came over me, there. Let me start again. When asked what his strategy would be in his upcoming presidential debate with Kamala Harris, former President Donald Trump‘s lawyer argued that the verdict finding him liable for sexually abusing and defaming writer E. Jean Carroll should be overturned because it was based on evidence that should have been ruled inadmissable.
Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry. One more time. When asked – oh, wait. I get it. Obfuscation.
SOURCE: Deadline News Network
[http://www.dnn.com/2024/ALLPOLITICS/09/08/reps.main/index.html]
more
Alternately, Is There A Compelling Reason Why Convenience Stores Don’t Sell Coffins?
Ontario Premier Doug Ford said that there was absolutely no comparison between convenience stores selling alcohol near schools and the supervised drug sites he wants to shut down. He argued that those stores have had decades to deal with tobacco and lottery tickets.
So, does that mean that convenience stores should be allowed to open safe drug sites? The Premier’s eyes narrowed when asked the question and he growled, “Who let you into my press conference?”
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1088d709591813
&call_pageid=935278498492&col=968659266974]
more