by TRENT DENTCURRENTEVENTS, Alternate Reality News Service Conspiracies Writer
Everything changes. People change. Technologies change. Diapers change. Everything.
When society changes, there are always those who resist. They are sometimes referred to as, “sticks in the mud,” “people with sticks up their butts” or “people who are stuck with an outmoded perception of reality who are more to be pitied than feared.” Society shows no mercy (perhaps society is allergic to sticks).
This is true of the rhinocerosization of most of France (and the world).
“Why should I change?” demanded still human Gustave Flambee, a Paris lamplight snuffer. “The rhinoceros is an ungainly creature that would look ridiculous doing gymnastics or attempting to do higher mathematics at a chalkboard. Ungainly brutes! And, anyway, I like my life…more or less…such as it is. Why should I change?”
Flambee, who looked like an overstuffed, not especially bright olive in his shabby brown suit, would also probably look ridiculous doing gymnastics or attempting to do higher mathematics at a chalkboard, but I took his point. All the way through my shoulder, but at least the wound was easy to clean.
“ROAR!” roared Victoria “Not the Science Fiction Award” Hugo. Revoltairing, a rhinoceros whisperer, translated this as: “I love doing higher mathematics! Is it my fault that my new body does not have opposable thumbs? Besides, what’s so great about chalkboards? I would run at them and knock them over even before I become a rhinoceros!”
According to Revoltairing, Hugo’s decision to go full rhino was easy. The one-time charcuterie tester found rhinoceri to be powerful, carefree beasts. Not for them, the anguish of a bad relationship! No! Or petty humiliation from a boss who knows far less about the company than you do! Or the discomfort of an ill-fitting bra! The average rhinoceros is so far above such petty concerns, you would think they had wings!
(On Earth Prime 4-7-4-0-0-3 dash chi, where the average rhinoceros does have wings, air traffic control is no petty concern, let me tell you! Nor is keeping the streets clean. But, uhh, I’ll let Engelbert Humperflapdoodlepuss deal with that reality…)
L’Institut de la Petit Changement et Grand Embarras estimates that as much as 37 per cent of the population of France has become rhinoceroses since the population change was first noted two and a half weeks ago. This is faster than Serge Gainsbourg’s song “Je t’aime…moi non plus” took to reach number one on the Birmingham pop charts.
“It is a sight to behold,” said Pierra del Fuego, President of L’Institut. “Herds of beasts stampeding through the streets, wild and fre – roar – free. Stopping at a local brasserie only long enough for a quick baguette and cup of tea, then on agai – roar? Sorry, I…I seem to be coming down with something. Where was I? Something about being wild and free? Magnifique!”
When I asked del Fuego to amplify his observation, he looked at me like I had grown horns or something. Maybe it was lost in translation.
L’Institut research has shown that 93 per cent of the newly rhinocerized were left-handed. “ROAR!” Hugo stated. My budget for translation exhausted [We have a budget for translation? When did that happen‽ When you get back to Earth Prime, we need to have a little talk. Don’t bring any breakables! BB-G], I had to resort to Gargle Translates to discover that she had said, “You report that like it was something we should be ashamed of!” as she held up her right forehoof. “I, for one, have never handkerchief proboscis glutenized, and if I did I certainly wouldn’t tell you!”
I thought there must be something wrong with the translation, but I ran Hugo’s roar through Gargle Translates five times with the same result, so now I need somebody to explain to me exactly what handkerchief proboscis glutenizing is.
“Look at them!” Flambee waved a hand at the herd running down rue lafarge. “Do they care that I have to snuff the lamplights for several more arondissements than I was contracted for because I have to make up for my missing, presumed rhinocerosed co-workers? Do they look like they care? Or that the company org chart has been so decimated that I do not know who to report to? And, boy, do I have something to report! Human resources has been so decimated that I did not receive last week’s paycheck! And there they are, running through the streets without a care in the world!
“I…kind of envy them, actually. Do you think, if I asked nicely, they would let me join them?”