by ELMORE TERADONOVICH, Alternate Reality News Service Film and Television Writer
Arnold Schwarzenegger brutally kills a man with a sock puppet. Then, he looks into the camera and, without a hint of a smirk, says, “I will be black.”
Umm…say what?
Two days ago, this advertisement for Mother L-Ron Hubbard’s Tanning Solutions Salon and Enema Emporium appeared on YahooTube. Two days less thirty seconds ago, this advertisement for Mother L-Ron Hubbard’s Tanning Solutions Salon and Enema Emporium was taken down by YahooTube. But the damage was already done.
“That wasn’t me,” Schwarzenegger stated. “You know how you can tell?”
The man in the ad could act?
“Ha ha. Very funny. No,” Schwarzenegger deadpanned (the frying pan made a noticeable impression when it connected with the back of his head). “It’s the kicks. They’re not fluid. And they glance off the person’s chest instead of fully connecting. You think I fight like that? Please! I’m a professional!”
By yesterday, the controversy had died down…just in time for a video ad for Mother L-Ron Hubbard’s Enema Solutions Salon and Tanning Emporium (a new company that had nothing to do with the one that had had its ad taken down the previous day, nope, not us, uh uh, no way) to surface. In this one, Tom Hanks, going full Forrest on everybody’s Gump, looked at the camera and drawled, “Life is like a box of chocolates. The best are dark…”
Representatives of the actor denied that he had anything to do with the advertisement, in print, online and in seven-dimensional media that can only be seen by residents of Earth Prime 3-3-2-7-8-4 dash rho. Say what you will about Hanks, but his people certainly are thorough!
What –
“AI!” despaired Founder and Executive Director of Bastard AI Governance and Safety, Canada Wyatt Tessari L’Allie (his real name). “Bastard AI! That’s what!”
You didn’t give me a chance to ask the question!
“Sorry,” L’Allie said. “I’m already late to pick up my kid from waterboarding school. You wouldn’t believe the kind of penalties they levee on us if they have to pay overtime to any of their staff – brutal! So, let me just say that this is another example of generative artificial intelligence polluting the infosphere with deep dish fakes. It’s a crying shame. Somebody really should do something about it. Got that? K – bye!”
So…that happened.
The problem with AI-generated fake celebrity videos is that for every one you take down, two are put up. Getting them removed from the internet is like playing a game of Mogura Taiji*: it helps you get your aggression out, but at the end you’re sweaty and all you’ve managed to win is a stuffed animal you could have bought at a quarter of the price.
In the time it took me to write the previous paragraph, videos were posted to YahooTube that included: Taylor Swift swearing that she only ever eats Bob So Tasty Bubbe Buster Burgers (and that’s why she has millions of devoted followers – and you thought it was the music and lifestyle advice!); King Charles hawking laxatives (“Give your bowels free reign!”); and Elon Musk selling authentic reproduction Civil War muskets (“Used to fight the original Great Replacement!”**).
Okay, we’re still trying to verify whether that last one was a fake or not. Either way, it sure was tacky.
“Oh, they’re all tacky,” said cultural critic and eternal ray of sunshine Cory Doctorow. “If deep dish fakes were any more tacky, you could use them to hang paintings on your walls!”
So, do we need social scientists to come up with a tackiness scale to help us determine which videos are real and which are deep dish fakes?
“I don’t think we’re that desperate yet,” Doctorow cautioned. “One way of telling if the video you’re watching is real is to ask yourself, ‘Would the celebrity be caught dead talking about this product?’ If the answer is no, you can be pretty sure it isn’t. Of course, if the celebrity is already dead, that complicates the matter…”
On the plus side, Doctorow added, “this may put the final nail into the coffin of celebrity worship.”
Or it could result in many people taking laxatives that they don’t need because they believe their sovereign commanded them to.
“Now, who is the ray of sunshine?” Doctorow acerbically asked.
Let’s call it a tie.
* Literally: “mole extermination.” The whacking is implied.
** With no appreciation of the irony that the men who used them were actually the replacers, not the ones being replaced. Tech billionaires don’t do irony.