Significant Digits
Fingers: “If you don’t get your fingers off my pie this instant, I’m gonna chop them off and add them to my collection!” shrieked Aunt Bertha (before her disease made it difficult for her to pronounce the letter t). Nobody had to be told twice.
Toes: A small pyramid in Egypt, about the size of a child’s lunch pail, has been found to contain nothing but embalmed toes, according to a report by the AnnaAchmatova news service. “We have no idea what purpose this served,” said Philip Leviathan-Chalabi. “But, I believe we can say with some degree of certainty that people who lived in Egypt 3,000 years ago were into some really strange shit.”
Heading With No Connection To Item
In any given six month period, more people in Canada accidentally brush their teeth with shoe polish than dance the tango with alligators. Source: the paranoic-critical imagination.
Clever Reference to Previous Heading
A team of scientists at Lawrence Liverpuddle laboratories has found that muzak causes the brains of laboratory rats to explode. “We were quite surprised by this unexpected finding,” team leader Horace Tuchy-Freeley told the Akron Unintelligencer, “not least because we’re a nuclear energy research facility. We’ll have to get an exterminator in to do something about those rats!”
News You Can’t Use
Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien doesn’t pluck his eyebrows.
The 80s are Over
Star Blap, a popular video game in the early 1980s, has been rereleased in both Windows and Macintosh formats. Nobody buys it.
The 90s are Over
Republicans try to blame the intelligence failures of 9/11 on former President Bill Clinton’s affair with an intern. Nobody is buying it.
The 00s Have Just Begun
Pundits claim the recent stock market rally is a sign that the American economy is healthy again. Everybody buys it. Sources: who wants to know?
Stupid Is…
Tom Hanks has turned down the lead as the loveable but mentally challenged man in Forrest Gump II: Gump Is Not Enough. However, according to It Ain’t Cool News, the three time Oscar winner is still considering a major role in Cast Away Again: Wilson’s Revenge.
…Stupid Does
A bank robber in Palermo, Italy is caught when he accidentally staples himself to a teller. “This is stupider than that bank robber in Sicily who got caught when he took off his mask and posed for the security camera because he always wanted to be in pictures,” said a local police officer who couldn’t give his name because he was laughing so hard. “But, not quite as stupid as the bank robber in Rome who got caught at the local fire station begging for help because his pants were set on fire by an exploding money packet he stole. So much for the myth of the romantic life of the outlaw!”
Missouri Loves Company
There’s no item – I just liked this heading.
Testing To De(con)struction
A recent poll conducted by Le Demi-monde indicated that the most popular 20th Century philosopher in France was Jerry Lewis. He was followed by Jean Paul Sartre, Martin Heidegger, Jacques Derrida and Moe from the Three Stooges. “I was disappointed that Aristotle didn’t break into the top 10,” an anonymous professor at the Sorbonne stated, “but you can’t argue with democracy.”
Wonderful World of Science
Australian scientists have shown that the more men masturbate between the ages of 20 and 50, the less likely they are to get prostate cancer later in life. Already, boys are preparing themselves for their next confession: “But, Father, I only do it for my health!” Source: like it matters to you.
Imaginary Quote of the Day
“The CIA told us at least a year before the President’s State of the Union [address] that the Iraq /Nigeria nuclear materials connection was probably bogus. They asked us to remove a reference to it in a speech three months before the State of the Union speech because they had no faith in it. Of course we knew. I don’t care about [former CIA head George] Tenet – he was a Clinton leftover who had to know he would be thrown to the wolves at the first sign of trouble. Still, I have to wonder: what the hell was the President thinking?”
– Condi “Looking For An Exit Strategy From This Administration” Rice