“You may remember him as the middle son on The Brady Bunch, but he’s done so much more. In the 1980s, he was part of the research team that almost found a cure for Fassbinder’s Complaint, an annoying disease of the paracardium. In the 90s, he was the coach of the Nordic beach volleyball Olympic team, as well as the head honcho at the United Nations. And, next Monday, he will be taking over the two to seven, afternoon drive-time shift on Big Dick radio. I’m talking, of course, of Kofi Annan.”
“Aww, you’re gonna make me cry.”
“Seriously, it’s great having you aboard.”
“Ach, I haven’t been on a board in 20 years – I was never a serious surfer, I did it mostly for fun.”
“You’ll be working with Carlie Klaxxon -“
“So, you can have a little sugar with your Kofi.”
“I prefer to think of us as Kofi and cream.”
“So, you’ll be going down smooth.”
“Not on the first show – I think I’ll need to get to know Carlie, first.”
“Whoa ho!”
“Woop woop woop.”
“Yee haw!”
“But, seriously -“
“What was that?”
“We were just…clearing our throats. Hazard of the morning shift.”
“Oh.”
“Now, as an international political figurehead, you’ve spent a lot of time with musicians.”
“Some, sure.”
“You must have some incredible stories.”
“Absolutely! I remember, one time, I was talking with Bono about the balance of trade between developing nations in Africa and the developed world, especially the United States and Europe. We were both shocked and saddened by the fact that more money was flowing out of Africa than into it – until that imbalance is redressed, issues such as poverty and starvation cannot help but get worse. Bono actually had some insightful things to say about the problem – he’s an astute man.”
“Uhh…and…?”
“And, what?”
“And, the punchline of your story is…?”
“I’m sorry. Punchline?”
“The part that reminds listeners that this is morning radio?”
“Oh. And, then…then, Bono trashed the hotel room.”
“ROCK AND ROLL!”
“I suppose so.”
“Are you nervous?”
“Nervous?”
“About being on the radio.”
“Not really.”
“You’ve never done this before, right?”
“No, I haven’t.”
“So, you’ve got to be a little nervous, don’t you?”
“Well, I’ve stared inhumanity in the face in places like Rwanda and Kosovo, so -“
“I’m sorry, Kofi, but you don’t know what inhumanity is until you’ve tried to make your way through a beer tent at a Lollapalooza Festival.”
“ROCK AND ROLL!”
“Is he okay?”
“Dick needs a few stimulants to make it in at five in the morning – he’ll be fine.”
“What’s your favourite beverage?”
“Ah, well, I like to have a glass of warm milk before I go to bed.”
“So, you’re, like, decaffeinated Kofi?”
“Don’t you think you should pace yourself with the Kofi jokes? If you use up all of the good ones today, what will you use for the rest of the week?”
“Dick’ll use the bad ones. He has no shame.”
“ROCK AND ROLL!”
“I see.”
“So, have you given up your day job to take on your position here?”
“Well, I may have to slow down a bit, but, no, I’m still Secretary-General of the United Nations.”
“I’m sure your fans appreciate it.”
“They’re small in number, but I like to think they’re loyal.”
“Where will people be able to find you next?”
“Am I allowed to plug my off-air activities?”
“We do it all the time.”
“We’ll be in the Golden Horsedung Region Friday Night for the Celebrity Tractor Pull Contest.”
“And, you?”
“Oh, well, I’ll be in Sudan over the weekend to see if there’s anything the UN can do to stop the genocide going on there.”
“Will there be babes in skimpy bikinis?”
“No.”
“Beer by the kegful?”
“I don’t think so.”
“What about tractors? Will there be tractors?”
“We have heard stories about mass graves, so, yes, I suppose tractors could be involved.”
“ROCK AND ROLL!”
“Can you get him to stop that?”
“I just kick him in the nads, and he settles down for a while.”
“My voice has risen three octaves since I started working the morning shift.”
“Anyway, I think it’s great that C-D-I-K FM is getting a real celebrity, practically a living legend, and a real gentleman to fill the afternoon drive time shift. Kofi Annan, it’s been a pleasure.”
“I’m looking forward to it.”
“Would you care to do the honours?”
“Sure. This is Kofi Annan saying this is Max Webster playing ‘A Million Vacations’ on C-D-I-K, Big Dick Radio!”