“You’re listening to 95 point two two…DIK FM – Big Dick Radio.”
“Goooooooood morning Toronto! This is Evan “Dick” Lamanchuck…”
“And, this is Michaelangelo “Dick” Tremonte…”
“Jane, our traffic girl, is currently on sick leave…”
“Which is a euphemism for having a nervous breakdown.”
“Isn’t that a song from the 70s? You’re having my breakdown – what a wonderful way to tell me that you really love me.”
“If she really loved us, she’d be here talking about the shutdown of the Bloor Viaduct so we wouldn’t have to.”
“Why a duck?”
“Dick, I love you like a professional acquaintance, but if you insist upon ripping off old Marx Brothers routines, you’ll force me to get all Stooges on your ass.”
“Rrrrrowf! Rowf ruh ruh rowf!”
“Oh! A wiseguy, hunh? Woodle loodle loodle loo – SMACK!”
“Oww!”
“So, as I was saying, the Bloor Viaduct will be shut down all day because a movie is being shot there.”
“That’s the one starring Milla Jovo…Jovoivodovich?”
“Milla Jehovaswitness?”
“Milla Jejobaoil?”
“Yeah, that movie.”
“Oh. Well, yeah. You wanna avoid that area because all the rubbernecking drivers will slow traffic to a halt.”
“Not that we’re talking about you.”
“No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, we’re talking about all those other rubbernecking drivers.”
“The ones who listen to other radio stations.”
“Exactly.”
“Okay. There are accidents throughout the city…but we’re not going to tell you about them.”
“Accidents are boring.”
“Why do you think we let a chick talk about them?”
“We’re so politically incorrect.”
“Giggle giggle.”
“Giggle giggle.”
“Instead, we’re going to do a segment of the morning show we like to call ‘Moron of the Moment.'”
“Mooorooonnn of the Mooooooomennnnnt.”
“How do you get your voice to do that?”
“I gargle with Borax. It’s just the kind of sacrifice that we Dicks are prepared to make for our listeners.”
“Will you be able to get a disability pension for that?”
“Can’t put anything past you, can I, Dick?”
“Okay. Well. Back to the actual feature of the show. You would think that judges in this province would have their hands full, what with diluting our drug laws and rewriting the definition of marriage…”
“Yes, it’s a full day’s work for our judges.”
“It certainly is. But, even so, that paragon of ethical judgement Justice Reginald Wienee, of the Ontario Court of Justice, has found the time to sue this radio station.”
“And you.”
“And our producer, Rodney “Red” Bryant.”
And you.”
“And the station manager, Eduardo Tendentious, a man who wouldn’t cross the street to hurt a fly.”
“And you.”
“Yes, Dick, as you so rightly point out, I’m named in this lawsuit, too. A judge suing a radio personality – hasn’t he ever heard of a little thing called free speech?”
“It’s been in all of the papers.”
“It’s kind of like the law. You know, the thing that judges are sworn to uphold?”
“Well, there was a lot of swearing, anyway.”
“Don’t upstage me with your own jokes, Dick.”
“Sorry.”
“And, why is this sad, sad little man suing me?”
“And Rodney.”
“Can we focus on me, please, Dick?”
“Sorry, Dick.”
“Because I made the comment that somebody who has let as many jaywalkers walk as he has deserves to be shivved in the gut with a rusty knife and then have leeches and maggots poured into the wound.”
“Well, that’s an exercise of free speech right there, Dick.”
“Exactly, Dick. It is my Constitutionally protected right to malign, vilify, disparage, slur, denounce, revile, condemn, stigmatize or otherwise attack any public figure in my search for the truth.”
“And higher ratings.”
“The search for the truth isn’t worth squat if nobody’s paying attention.”
“It doesn’t do much for our continued employment at this radio station, either.”
“Can we please stick to the point, here, Dick? Please? If Justice Reginald Wienee is foolish enough to make good on his threat to see me in court, do you know what I’m going to say?”
“What’s that, Dick?”
“I’m going to say: you, sir, are the Moron of the Moment, and probably for many more moments to come!”
“You want that on a court record?”
“It’s just the way we end the segment, Dick.”
“So, you’re not going to say that in court, then?”
“Can we go to a commercial?”
“You’ve already said it on the air – you might as well say it in court.”
“You know, if there wasn’t a rule that station employees cannot be chosen as the Moron of the Moment – CAN WE GO TO COMMERCIAL? PLEASE?”