INT. OVAL OFFICE – DAY
PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN is sitting on a couch in the Oval Office. Opposite him sit the three wise men, RICK, RORY and ANKOUSH.
RICK
Mister President, you know your polling numbers haven’t been great.PRESIDENT BIDEN
You know, Rory, I’ve never had great polling numbers, yet, somehow, miraculously, I manage to win. How about that?RORY
With respect, sir, there are serious questions about your age. A lot of people are coming to the conclusion that you are not…well enough to serve another four years…PRESIDENT BIDEN
Seriously? Now, why would people think that, Rick?RORY
For one thing, I’m Rory.PRESIDENT BIDEN
What, mixing up names? I do that all the time! Been doing that since I first learned people’s names! You could say it’s my band.ANKOUSH
Your brand?PRESIDENT BIDEN
Thank you. I think you’re grand, too.
Rick and Rory look at each other with dismay.
RICK
Aaaaah, yeah, so, anyway…we think we have a solution to the problem of your poll numbers.PRESIDENT BIDEN
You do?RORY
We do.PRESIDENT BIDEN
I’d love to hear it.RICK
How would you feel about…getting shot?PRESIDENT BIDEN
Shot? Like, out of a cannon shot? Do people still do that?RORY
No, sir. I mean, maybe people still get shot out of cannons – I don’t know. We mean shot with a gun.PRESIDENT BIDEN
Shot with a gun? Well, if that ain’t the stupidest thing I ever – HOW’M I SUPPOSED TO BE PRESIDENT WHEN I’M DEAD?RORY
Oh, it wouldn’t kill you, sir.PRESIDENT BIDEN
It wouldn’t?RICK
No, sir. You’ll get shot in the arm.PRESIDENT BIDEN
I like my arms. They’re attached to my hands.RICK
We’re not wedded to the idea of you getting shot in the arm, Mister President. You could get shot in…the ear.ANKOUSH
True fact: ears bleed profusely. Getting hurt in the ear looks very dramatic, but it is in no way a serious health risk.PRESIDENT BIDEN
You want me to get shot in the ear?RORY
Think of the sympathy you would get if you were attacked at a rally.PRESIDENT BIDEN
WHAT IF THE SHOOTER MISSES?
Rick and Rory look at each other with dismay.
ANKOUSH
The sympathy would be overwhelming.RICK
We’re, uhh, sure that the shooter would be good enough to make it look like an attack on you while doing minimal damage.RORY
It will be a messaging coup! We’ll have people post in the shooter’s name that he was a MAGA supporter. By the time anybody notices that he was a member of the Democratic Party, your supporters in the media will have vilified the other side as being full of violent maniacs!PRESIDENT BIDEN
Shot? Look, I’m seriou – Wait. I have supporters in the media?ANKOUSH
MSNBC and one and a half opinion writers for The New York Times.PRESIDENT BIDEN
Well, isn’t that something. I have supporters in the media.RICK
Mister President, we’re asking you to take a little pain for a lot of potential gain. This is the sort of thing that sways elections.PRESIDENT BIDEN
I’m sorry, but I refuse to get shot.RORY
But why, sir?PRESIDENT BIDEN
Because it’s wrong to manipulate the American people!
Rick and Rory look at each other with dismay.
PRESIDENT BIDEN (CONTINUING)
And, anyway, we don’t need anything to prove that the other side is full of bloodthirsty maniacs. They prove that every day with their social media posts!RICK
Sir, I really think you underestimate the power of sympathy for –PRESIDENT BIDEN
And I think you underestimate the power of not getting shot!
(pause)
Look, fellas, I appreciate all you’ve done for me. Really. I do. But… Tell you what. I’ll agree to being shot on one condition.RICK
What is that, Mister President?PRESIDENT BIDEN
One of you pulls the trigger.RICK
One…of…us?PRESIDENT BIDEN
That’s right. It was your idea, so one of you should be the one to see it through. I would be willing to sign off on that.RICK
I…I would love to, Mister President, but…but…but I’m allergic to guns. Whenever I touch one, I break out in cowardice.RORY
Of course, I would do anything to help the campaign, sir. You know that. I’m fully dedicated to your reelection efforts. But…but…but I will be out of town when the shooting happens.ANKOUSH
(holds up hands)
It wasn’t my idea.PRESIDENT BIDEN
Alright, then. Unless something changes, we’re not going to pursue this. Now, what CAN we do to turn this campaign around?
Rick and Rory look at each other conspiratorially.