by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Court Writer
The Extreme Court ruled on 3,476 cases this term, more than it has in all of the previous years of its history combined.
“To say that this is unprecedented would be an understatement,” understated former prosecutor Barbara McDoodadallquade. “I’m amazed that none of the Justices on the court had an aneurysm. Especially Samuel Aldiprezzestos – he always looks like a bag of popcorn in a microwave, you know? And, anyway, he’s no spring turkey!”
A majority of the cases were decided 6-3 along party lines. Most of the decisions by the majority were a single word: “Plaintiff.” The dissenting opinions were usually longer, including: “Bad decision,” “Horrible decision,” and “What the hell were they thinking?”
“Don’t look at me,” commented the Alternate Reality News Service’s advice columnist Amritsar Al-Falloudjianapour. “Politics gives me ga – gives me ga – ga – g’excuse me!”
In its ruling last year in the case of Idiotologues v EPA, the Extreme Court ruled that the experts at the Environmental Pollution Agency shouldn’t be allowed to regulate the environment because…reasons. Strict Constructionist reasons that nobody could find in the Constitution. This overturned the concept of Stallion deference, an understanding in which the court allowed that experts should be allowed to determine the rules governing a wide variety of things because, well, they know stuff.
“This decision was a victory for the stupid and the ignorant!” exulted conservative lawyer Carrie Severjugular. “The Deep State is looking a little Shallow right now!”
Voiding Stallion deference, something that had been blocked in the bowels of conservative justices for years until the laxative of a supermajority kicked in, opened up an ocean of challenges to government regulation. Burpsi Cola v FDA, for example, overturned a regulation about how much metal shavings were allowed in soda cans. Colt v AFT overturned regulations against babies having firearms in their cribs. Anodyne Sounding Industries v FCC overturned a rule that television networks could not accept advertisements for pyramid schemes, online porn sites or crack cocaine.
“We really – puff puff – dug ourselves a hole – puff puff – with the Stallion – puff puff – decision!” Chief Justice John Robalthomkenlia said as he tried to catch his breath.
“Ya think‽” Justice Sonia Sottovochayor exclaimed before collapsing on a couch.
“I chipped my tooth on a metal shaving in my soft drink,” said proud Vesampuccerian Antonio Bigdoofusbaibee. “It cost me over two thousand bucks to get the tooth fixed. But you know what? That was a dental bill of freedumb, baby! FREE-DUMB! FREE-DUMB! FREE-DUMB! FREE-DUMB!”
I put Bigdoofusbaibee on hold so I could go for lunch. When I checked in with him two and half hours later, he was still chanting, “FREE-DUMB! FREE-DUMB!” I returned him to hold. For all I know, he’s still chanting it almost a week later.
“That’s why the Reduhblicans are almost completely in charge of this country,” said token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. “Dumboprats would spend that almost a week detailing the history of environmental regulation in the country. After less than a day of that, any ordinary person would gnaw off their own ears, just like Vincent van Goghgoghdancer!”
That’s not how we remembered the story of van Goghgoghdancer, “I was being hyperbaric,” token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. “And before you correct me, I was feeling a little Malaproptic earlier and decided to treat myself. Anyway, you know what I meant!”
The crazy is getting to us all.
“The good news is that, at the rate they’re pumping out decisions, we could lose three, maybe four Justices in the next session. I mean, Kavanaugheylno looks like he’s aged about a thousand years since he was first seated on the bench!” McDoodadallquade opined. “So, all we have to do is wait until President Joe Bidenhisbeeswax wins the 2024 election and…he’s not doing well in the polls? Well, that’s okay, because – what? He gave a horrible performance in the first debate? So, umm, all we have to do, err – we’re screwed, aren’t we?”
When asked about the ruling, former President McDruhitmumpf went on a ten minute rant about sharks and electric batteries that made little sense even for him. We decided, for the sake of the sanity of our readers, to not publish it verbatim.
“That’s the most sensible approach to the former president I have ever heard,” commented token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam. “If only more journalistic outlets took this position, I might not have become addicted to Valium and daytime soap operas!”