Thank you, Hai Crimes and Miss Demeanor, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we wondered why nobody was talking about nuclear Armageddon. It was all the rage a while ago – really, everybody was talking about it – but now? Cicadas. Did world governments get rid of – sorry. Not cicadas. We meant…chipmunks. Did world governments get rid of all of their nuclear weapons without telling anybody? Did the world’s arsenals deteriorate to such a point that they are now unusable, and nobody wants to broach the subject for fear of embarrassing them? Did we elect better politicians who were so horrified by the destructive power of nuclear bombs that they vowed never to use them? (Okay, that last one seems far fetched.)
As you celebrate the birth of your nation this weekend, please spare a thought for poor, sad nuclear war, the forgotten Armageddon.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
What A Choice! One Candidate Lies All The Time, The Other Needs To Lie Down All The Time!
One Biden supporter described last night’s debate performance as, “Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant! President Biden lulled former President Trump into a false sense of security so that President Biden can demolish him in the next debate!”
Couldn’t it be that President Biden is old and not as sharp as his defenders have been claiming?
“No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! President Biden is…is…is playing three dimensional chess!” the supporter insisted. “This is just part of a plan to jiu jitsu former President Trump into submission!”
Yeah, but when you think about it, isn’t the more plausible explanation for what happened that Biden is old and not as sharp as his defenders have been claiming?
“It…it…it’s three dimensional jiu jitsu!” the supporter sobbed. “Please, God, tell me it’s three dimensional jiu jitsu!”
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2024Jun28.html]
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Rump Roasted
Nick Mason, the chief data officer of Britain’s Conservative Party, has taken a leave of absence after it was revealed that he is being investigated for betting on the timing of the British election, something he likely had inside knowledge of. Mason is the fourth Conservative caught up in the scandal.
“Aww, man, is anybody even trying to win a seat in the next election?” moaned Prime Minister Rishi Sunak.
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
[http://www.news.semaphore.co.uk/news/main.jhtml;sessionid=M5UF23LWOLFFPQFIQMFSM5WAVCBQ0JVC?nextPage=/DuereDE/wXeR.WzvwF?7wF~/DuereDE/s119/Os/14/JD141O.7wF!3qZiiv~/DueReDR/s119/
Os/14/e7DUeReDR.ZvwF!2iG3gimmygi2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=17843]
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Okay, They May Not Have Been Around Since Priam,
But That’s No Reason You Shouldn’t Try ‘Em!
Ode To A Canadian Delicacy
Americans decry ’em,
But just until they try ’em.
Americans would never waste good money to buy ’em,
But just until they try ’em.
Americans refuse to listen to the praises of Corey Haim,
But just until they try ’em.
Americans might be tempted to fry ’em,
But just until they try ’em.
Try and sing their praises, and Americans will deny ’em,
But just until they try ’em.
Americans would refuse even if you said you would freely supply ’em,
But just until they try ’em.
To get some Americans to have a taste, you have to hogtie ’em
But just until they try ’em.
Yeah, butter tarts are that good.
SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/957.html]
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Alright, Church And State, Separate, Go Back To Your Corners And Come Out Swinging!
Louisiana Governor Jeff Landry has signed a law that would require the Ten Commandments to be displayed in public school classrooms. The last time something like this was tried, it was struck down by a judicial ruling. Why does he expect that this time will be different?
“We have friends in high places,” Landry stated.
Heaven?
“The Supreme Court.”
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/national/2024-06-26-constitution-left-high-and-landry_x.htm]
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You Know What They Say: Eighth Time’s The Charm
Journalists keep harping on the fact that Reform UK leader Nigel Farage has run seven times for Parliament and lost each time. Rather than focusing on his losses, they might do well to focus on his successes, instead.
For instance, Farage was a central player in the passage of Brexit, the disastrous referendum that ended with Britain leaving the European Union, effectively kneecapping the country’s economy and –
Okay, bad example. But Farage was also responsible for…I mean, he accomplished…that is to say, he was successful at…umm…
God save the King!
SOURCE: The Smarmian
[http://www.thesmarmian.com/world/2024/jun/25/farage-and-away-the-worst]
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Hoping To Have A Habitable Planet In The Future? You May As Well Give Up The Ghosts!
3 ghosts of a chance) Alberta’s oil and gas industry flared (burned off the excess natural gas associated with oil production) 754 million cubic metres of natural gas last year, exceeding the annual provincial limit of 670 million cubic metres. What will their punishment be?
a) the 20 biggest transgressors will have to create detailed plans to reduce flaring at their sites by government decree
b) an angry editorial in The Toronto Star
c) the heads of the oil companies will be visited by three ghosts (the Ghost of Environment Past, the Ghost of Environment Present and the Ghost of Environment Future) who will scare them so much that they will pour millions of dollars into research to develop technologies that will ghost-proof bedrooms
the future’s not 4 you) According to an Alberta regulator, oilsands production will increase by 17% by 2033. How screwed are our children?
a) learn how to accessorize with gas masks screwed
b) evolve quickly enough to have bodies that can extract the oxygen from carbon dioxide screwed
c) be visited by three ghosts (the Ghost of Environment Past, the Ghost of Environment Present and the Ghost of Environment Future) who will apologize to them, truly, from the heart, for trying their best to talk sense into oil executives (but failing) screwed
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Is Parking Tanks On The Street Without Putting Money Into The Metre A Hanging Offence?
Stay Tuned After The Break!
7pm
Junk’d
MTV
Bolivian General Juan Jose Zuniga is given an order by President Luis Arce to storm the government palace to make it look like a coup is taking place. General Zuniga claims that President Arce wanted to be seen as a brave leader in order to raise his popularity with the restless population. Unfortunately, when other military leaders looked at the tanks on the street in front of the government palace and reasonably exclaimed, “What the f*ck!”, President Arce, denying any such order, had General Zuniga arrested (charges to follow).
Looks like somebody got Junk’d!
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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