Trump Always Reminded Me Of The Dog That Caught The Butterfly
That Would Explain The “Why Am I Tasting Something Awful?” Look He Often Has
Do you imagine that former President Donald Trump thinks through everything he says? Do you believe he thinks: Let’s put a run-on sentence here. Should I add a non-sequitur there? Hmm…is that sentence getting to be too long? Are you kidding? There’s no such thing as a sentence that’s too long! And non-sequiturs drive my detractors completely mental! Oh, yes – it’s going in!
Or, is his brain more like a dog let loose in a butterfly sanctuary? Ooh! Pretty! Let’s go after that o – ooh! That one’s pretty! Have to run after that o – ooh! That one’s really pretty! Gonna get that one for sure!
Could go either way, really.
This excerpt from a speech he gave in Vegas is classic Trump: start by praising your own intelligence, then ramble on for a couple of minutes completely disproving that praise. It’s as though a toddler had watched Jaws and Shark Week and was asked to describe what he had learned from the experience. And what he learned was that sharks are better than boat batteries.
Of course, that’s a false dichotomy. Trump had a third option: deploying the air force to bomb the shark before he was electrocuted by the battery. Sure. Bomb the shark. Then, he could get Navy SEALS to conduct a daring sea rescue to get him out of danger, blowing up the deadly battery as they were making their escape. Then, when he was safely back in the White House, he could start building a wall on the ocean to keep the United States safe from invading sharks.
Why didn’t Trump explore this possibility? Maybe he was just being modest. There’s a first time for everything. Or, maybe that butterfly just didn’t flit through his mind’s line of sight. That’s the problem with butterflies: there’s never a logical one around when you need it!
Trump Probably Thinks Terra Incognita Is A Form Of Ancient Warrior
You might have thought that, given modern satellite technology, there would be no unknown places left in the world for prisoners and patients in mental institutions to come from. But when you are almost completely ignorant of geography, almost everywhere on a map can be terra incognita.
“Where do they come from? Out there somewhere…” the former president waves an arm to indicate out there somewhere. “What do I look like, a cartoprapher…carpotraph…mapmaker? Do I look like a mapmaker? The land of…Garrglearrglebarrgle, okay?”
To be fair, Trump comes by his racist politics honestly. When he was a toddler, he was taught that his white plush toys were superior to his black and brown plush toys. By all accounts, he received great pleasure from having his white plushies order his black plushies around; on more than one occasion, he was caught having his favourite plush toy, a shark he called Joseph, use a shoelace as a whip against his least favourite plush toy, Leroy.
When people tell you who they are, take the shoelace out of their hand and believe them.
When It Comes To Popular Culture, He’s Not Too Swift
You can see that former President Donald Trump is conflicted about Taylor Swift. She’s beautiful, but she’s a liberal. Beautiful, but liberal. Beautiful. Liberal. If he was a computer in Star Trek, his brain would have melted down. Sadly, I have given up on that eventuality.
To cope with the conflict, Trump must find one of the premises untrue. Let’s see: long legs? 
Blond hair? Boobs? White skin? Okay, he cannot deny she’s beautiful. Therefore, she must not be liberal. Her long list of good deeds and espousal of progressive causes? It has to be an act. Oh, sure, country music is as conservative as the dark night of the soul is long, but fans are willing to forgive liberals if they are, you know, insincere about their politics.
This is also an example of Trump talking about himself in the third person. In this case, it’s clear that he cannot bear the thought that somebody might actually not like him, so he deflects the negativity onto a different version of himself. “Taylor Swift loves me,” the thinking goes, “she just doesn’t like that guy over there named Trump.
Trump is like a toddler who puts his hand in front of his eyes and believes that reality has disappeared. Somebody really needs to teach him about object permanence!