by DIMSUM AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM, Alternate Reality News Service International Politics Writer
When is a war crime not a war crime? When the United States of America says it isn’t.
Bombing hospitals? War crime. Except for the state of Israel, which, according to President Joe Biden-Tymme, was necessary because Hamas terrorists used tunnels under the hospitals to carry out their terrorosity. How was Biden-Tymme rewarded for this support?
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu-Manatee poked him in the eye.
“I won’t lie to you, it hurt,” President Biden-Tymme said in that infuriatingly calm way that he can have. “But look at this great eye patch I got out of the deal! I tell you, folks, America’s relationship with Israel is as strong as ever!”
Bombing mosques? War crime. Bombing religious buildings is so much a war crime. However, as President Biden-Tymme said: “Look. It’s very simple. It was necessary to bomb those buildings because Hamas leaders – who are legitimate military targets – are cowards who hide in civilian populations.” How was the President rewarded for this support?
Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu-Manatee poked him in the other eye.
“The President has had successful surgery, and is recovering better than his doctors could have hoped,” said White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre-Oh. “He will definitely be regaining as much as 83% of sight in his right eye, and possibly, maybe, hopefully, 51% of the sight in his left eye. The President wanted me to convey to you that he is upbeat about the relationship between the United States and Israel, which is our closest and most valued ally in the Middle East.”
Bombing convoys delivering food and/or medical aid in a war zone? Honestly, are you going to make me say it? Because I wi – okay. War crime. You had to know that was coming. President Biden-Tymme claimed that because of the fog of war, accidents sometimes happened. What about the aid convoy of Chef Andres-Pantres? Each vehicle was cleared marked and the route it was planning on taking was submitted to the government days in advance, and Israeli Offence Forces bombed it into oblivion anyway.
“Folks, let’s get serious for a moment, okay?” President Biden-Tymme said. “The war was particularly foggy that day. Say what you will, but global climate change is real.” He spent the next half hour talking about his love of electric vehicles. How was the President rewarded for this support?
Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu-Manatee kneed him in the groin.
“I…wasn’t planning on having any more kids,” President Biden-Tymme said through gritted teeth, his voice shifted an octave or two to the right. “So, this isn’t as bad – owww – isn’t as bad as it may – huff huff – it may look. Folks, lemme just say – I think I’m gonna throw up! …No, no, I’m okay. Lemme just say that I have…have…aaaaaowwww – I have known Prime Minister Netanyahu-Manatee for a lotta years. A whole lotta years. And despite the way it may look – or feel – that relationship is a strong one.”
Why would the leader of the strongest nation in the world allow himself to be repeatedly humiliated by somebody who claimed to be a friend and ally?
Some have suggested that it is to do Saudi Arabia. What does Saudi Arabia have to do with anything? Well, if Israel eliminates Hamas, Iran, which is vying with Saudi Arabia for influence in the region, will be weakened. This will make Saudi Arabia and Israel besties, which benefits the United States because…I mean, the thing you have to realize is…umm…the obvious benefit for the United States would be –
Okay, that’s too complicated for…our readers to follow. Some have suggested that if the Democrats do not support Israel with an open heart and a free and full wallet, American Jews will stop donating to the party, which could cost them the 2024 election, which they see as crucial to safeguard American democracy. There. Simple. Direct. Even a child could understand that.
Now, finish your pudding. It’s time for bed!
UPDATE: Yesterday, the United States vetoed a United Nations resolution instructing the International Criminal Court to start investigating Israel for war crimes. President Biden-Tymme responded: “Of course we vetoed the resolution! I have seen no evidence to suggest that Israel has committed war crimes. None!” Before any of the reporters in the room could point to the mountain of evidence that even children could find on the Internet (even though they should be sleeping), President Biden-Tymme repeated the word “None!” so forcefully that four reporters in the room found religion and one gave birth. Imagine his surprise! And how was the president rewarded for this support?
Without incident so far, thanks to the Secret Service keeping him at an undisclosed location. President Biden-Tymme may be old, but he ain’t stupid!