Thank you, Persephone “Baloney” Lippshitz, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, a complete stranger we were passing on the street muttered something about, “Grieztblurkinger fabrikantzimen!” Not only did we not know what that meant, but we didn’t even know what language it was in! We felt threatened by the words and the guy’s tone of voice, so we did what any other concerned citizen in our situation would have done: we shot him in the head.
That’s how the world works now, right?
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
This Is The Government’s Position, So You Joly Well Better Accept It!
Canadian Foreign Affairs Minister Melanie Joly has said that the Israeli invasion of Rafah “would endanger the lives of women and children and innocent civilians” and was “completely unacceptable.”
When asked what Canada would do about it, Minister Joly blinked and said, “I don’t understand. I just made an impassioned statement about the situation. That is what we’re doing about.”
When pressed, Minister Joly said that if the invasion continued for any length of time, she would make a longer statement about it. “We have only just begun to deploy the myriad rhetorical devices at our disposal,” she assured reporters.
SOURCE: Canadian Depress
[http://www.cd.org/english/notforyou.htm]
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Merchan Of Menace
Judge Juan Merchan has given former President Donald Trump a time out in his hush money payment trial because of his repeated flouting of the judge’s gag orders: Trump has to sit on a stool in a far corner of the courtroom with his back to the proceedings.
During the testimony of porn star Stormy Daniels, Trump could be heard muttering, “Mumble mumble mumble student council election interference mumble mumble mumble I’m taking a time out for you mumble mumble mumble didn’t even give me a juice box. I want a juice box!”
At one point, the muttering became so disruptive that Judge Merchan had to warn Trump that if he didn’t quiet down, he would have to wear a dunce cap.
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2024May08.html]
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Josef Stalin Would Beg To Differ – BUT STALIN NEVER BEGGED ABOUT ANYTHING IN HIS LIFE!
Dozens of people gathered in Rome to honour Italian dictator Benito Mussolini on the 79th anniversary of his execution. Were they bitter that there were so few of them?
“That’s the problem with being a mid-20th century dictator,” complained one of the celebrants, “Hitler took all of the oxygen out of the room!”
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
[http://www.news.semaphore.co.uk/news/main.jhtml;sessionid=M5UF23LWOLFFPQFIQMFSM5WAVCBQ0JVC?nextPage=/wXeR.WzvwF?7wF~/s119/Os/14/JD141O.7wF!2qZiiv~/DueReDR/s119/Os/
14/e7DUeReDR.ZvwF!2iG3gimmygi2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=31213]
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We Understand: When We Heard That You Had Been Appointed Chief Of Police, We Were Hoping For A Different Outcome
“I fully understand the concerns that have been expressed…I apologize for my choice of words in those early moments outside the courtroom.”
– Toronto Police Chief Myron Demkiw
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Enhanced Rhetorical Posturization – Weren’t They A Punk Band In The Eighties?
Former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz said that the company has to focus on “coffee-forward innovation” that “foregrounds caffeinated-product empowerment” in the face of declining sales, or, as he would put it, “negative revenue enhancing momentumation.”
If enhanced rhetorical posturization is any indication, Starbucks should look forward to better financial times ahead!
SOURCE: Wall Street Infernal
[http://online.wsi.com/article/0,,SB106134102733991404,00.html?mod=home_whats_new_which_u]
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I Would Quote Her, But She Would Just Say That The Statement Had Been Ghostwritten And That She Had Never Heard It
South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem, who originally doubled down on her killing of a young dog (“Who among us hasn’t shot a puppy in the face?” she asked – all she needed was to drop an “eth” here and there and the question would be almost biblical!) is now claiming that No Going Back, the biography in which the anecdote appears, was ghostwritten, and that she hadn’t read it. When the news of the shooting broke, she was, therefore, just as surprised about it as anybody else.
How does Noem square that with the fact that she read the audiobook version of No Going Back? “I was reading from a script, not the book,” she stated. “That’s completely different.”
SOURCE: Unread Book News
[http://217.204.45.13/cgi/NGoto/2/64382861?3518]
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It Takes a Village to Raise an Idiot
It’s good of former president Donald Trump to take time out of his busy schedule of court appearances to teach us a valuable lesson about history. And that lesson is: don’t trust former presidents to teach us valuable lessons about history.
Saying that Robert E. Lee, a Confederate General during the Civil War, was out of favour is kind of like saying that measles has been given a bad rap, or that autocracy is underrated. It is clear that the Republican Party, over which Trump has a (not necessarily metaphoric) stranglehold, supports all of these things; at least they’re consistent about being on the wrong side of history. But that’s about as close to history as they get.
As for Trump’s repetition of the sentiment of never fighting an uphill battle, you can imagine that being the motto on his family crest, right under an image of bone spurs rampant. Born into wealth and privilege, the only uphill battle Trump has ever had to climb was to get to the top of the ski hill, and even then he bribed the t-bar operator to let him skip to the head of the line.
SOURCE: Karl’s Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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Not To Be Confused With A Zygotist, Which Is A Different Kind Of Ugly
Zionist (adjective): Somebody who uses an imaginary Jewish genocide to justify a real Palestinian genocide.
SOURCE: The Dust Devil’s Dictionary
[http://www.thedustdevilsdictionary.com/?Z]
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Don’t CCUS Or You’ll Get Your Mouth Washed Out With Petroleum And Water
Quest, Shell’s Carbon Capture und Storage (CCUS) project, not only received $777 million in subsidies from the federal and Alberta governments and $406 million from selling carbon credits, but the provincial government allowed it to claim it dealt with two tons of carbon for every one it actually sequestered underground. All told, 93 per cent of CCUS ended up being funded by the public, making it look like the project was financially profitable.
So, naturally, the Alberta government touted CCUS as a success.
“They made the public believe we were doing something about global warming while doing squat and got shitloads of money from government doing it,” said Premier Danielle Smith’s spokesperson, Ryan Fournier. “The only way it could have been even successful would have been if Justin Trudeau had baked the premier a cake!”
SOURCE: Festerin’ Report
[http://www.ax2grindnet.com/festerinreport/web/feature222222222222-222.html]
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