by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
For her first official act as President of the United States of Vesampucceri, Kamala Harristweedfashin expanded the Extreme Court to 47 members, including 12 people of colour, seven members of the LGBTQ+ community and a kangaroo named Prince Alberta in Cannes. Legal scholars were split between those who believed the move would destroy the court’s credibility (although that horse had bolted for greener barns years earlier) and those who believed it should have been done years earlier to save the court’s credibility (see previous parenthetical comment).
For her second official act in office, President Harristweedfashin reinstated Roeliodingdong v. Watuhfouriday, returning bodily autonomy to women, much to the dismay of Reduhblican lawyers (and the men who loved them). For her third official act, she expanded the Affordable For More People But Still Nowhere Near Perfect Care Act, creating a universal health care system for all Vesampuccerian citizens (which was now called The Affordable Care Act, much to the dismay of long acronym aficionados and the onomatopoeias who loved them).
A stunned Chief Justice John Robalthomkenlia muttered, “This wasn’t how things were supposed to go…”
When the Extreme Court ruled last week that a not necessarily in good standing sitting president was immune from crimes committed as part of his (sic{k}) official duties, former President Joe Bidenhisbeeswax’ first official act was to declare martial law and suspend the Constitution, giving himself absolute power.
“Wow,” former President Ronald McDruhitmumpf wrote on Truth Antisocial from (a home is not always a) house arrest at Mara-Lara-Dingdong, “he’s good.” Pundits across the political spectrum marvelled at how economical McDruhitmumpf could be with words when it suited him.
Former President Bidenhisbeeswax’ second official act was to retire and allow his Vice-president to take over. “The Conservative – so-called – justices on the Extreme Court thought they were pulling a fast one over the eyes of the Vesampuccerian people,” former President Bidenhisbeeswax stated in his retirement announcement. “Well, how do you like them unintended consequences motherhuffers‽”*
Those motherhuffers clearly did not like them unintended consequences. Did not like them one single bit. “Wha – hunh – naah!” Justice Clarence Thomasidjetson huffed and puffed (although the only legacy he blew down was his own). “Didn’t we make clear that the decision only applied to President McDruhitmumpf? We didn’t? We were in such a rush to get so much done – can we clarify our judgment now? Please?”
“Squeak, squeak, humph squeak!” said newly seated Justice Prince Albert in Cannes.** Then, she added: “Squeak, humph, mumph, squeak, squeak! Squeaaaaaak mumph?”***
After two minutes of rigorous debate (and fifteen minutes of hemming, hawing and flabby argumentation), Prince Albert in Cannes was elected Chief Justice of the Extreme Court. Her first official act in the position was to declare every other Thursday “Boxing a Colleague Day.”
Most of the justices, who were older and in varying degrees of being out of shape, were aghast at the prospect. Not Justice Brett Kavanaugheylno. “If the Chief Justice wants to go, she should name the place and time!” he smurped (smirked and burped at the same time). “Having a few brewskis and getting into a fight will remind me of my youth – not to mention my time at college before that!”
Chief Justice Prince Albert in Cannes immediately responded to the challenge, but Justice Kavanaugheylno didn’t speak kangaroo, so he had to wait two weeks until a translator could be flown in from Australia. He should reply to the response any day now…
“Okay, so, maybe this isn’t the way Ronald McDruhitmumpf and his sycophants expected to end the Vesampuccerian experiment in error,” argued token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam, back from a prolonged journey to the outer fringes of the centre of the mind, “but even with the best of intentions, the Dumboprats have completed the project he started. Fenwickian Prime Minister Rupert Mountkilamanjoy must be smoking cigars and dousing underlings with cheap vodka in the Gremlin tonight!”
“You might think that,” Prime Minister Mountkilamanjoy responded, emptying another bottle of Stoli over the head of his Minister of Indoor Plumbing. “I couldn’t possibly comm -“
That was when Justice Samuel Aldiprezzestos awoke from his reverie with a snort and demanded in a panic, “Is it too late to change my vote?”
* This was not a euphemism to make the quote palatable to our readers. This is actually how the former president talks. Well, publicly, at any rate.
** TRANSLATION: “You’re not in the majority any more, originalist boy!”
*** TRANSLATION: “Hey, why don’t we make me Chief Justice? Wouldn’t that be fun?”