That’s When It Became Obvious That It Was a Reality Show in Name Only: Donald Trump fires the last woman contestant on The Apprentice, leaving only men to fill the position of his assistant.
Prey For the Children: A suitcase that inspired a best-selling children’s book about the Holocaust turns out to have been a recreation, made after the original was destroyed in a fire. Ernst Zundel claims vindication.
The Khadr Cadre: Members of a family that supports Al Qaeda and the fight against the American occupation of Iraq return to Canada. Liberals say let them back in as they, like all Canadian citizens, have the right to free speech. Conservatives say let them rot in hell as they have proven themselves to be traitors to the country. Private TV networks say they will offer the most money to get the family’s story on the air.
“From a back corner of the clothes closet in your room – the area right next to the monster that keeps you up nights – this is The Irrational, with Joe Anchor.”
Actually, Joe is…indisposed at the moment. This is Eloise Tendentious, filling in for Joe while he…does whatever it is he does when he’s not sitting at this desk. Haven’t you ever wondered? I know I have…
In any case, I have every respect for the reputation that The Irrational has for being an outlet for serious, thoughtful journalism. And, while I hope to put my own imprint on the newscast, I would never want to undermine that.
That having been said, LEEEEEET’S PAAAAAARTAY!
“A billboard in Vancouver shows a picture of a young woman and a pig with the caption ‘neither of us is meat.’ Apparently, the American-based People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals was trying to make a point by referring to the possibility that meat from the farm of accused murderer Robert Pickton contained human remains. In response, families of the victims of Pickton intend to sponsor a billboard featuring a picture of a PETA member and a pig with the caption ‘neither of us is human.’ For The Irrational, this is Kirk Mackerel in Vancouver.”
Okay, that was gross. Does anybody have a news item that isn’t gross? Anson? Rahul? Subaru? Okay, you know what? Let’s go with Subaru Debutante in Washington and see how it goes.
“National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice told the commission investigating security failures surrounding 9/11 that the Bush administration would do whatever it could to safeguard Americans if it knew of a clear threat. Understanding this, I’m sure terrorists will send the White House invitations the next time they attack on American soil. Perhaps a Hallmark card would be appropriate. Rice claimed that the information the administration had was not precise enough to predict the attack, although, interestingly, the information they had about Iraq’s involvement was dead wrong, but it didn’t stop them from attacking that country. She obviously hasn’t read any parenting books, or she would know that inconsistently applied rules confuse children.
“The following day, Attorney General John Ashcroft -“
Oh, that’s enough of that, thank you very much.
“But, Ashcroft hinted that 9/11 was Clinton’s fault!”
Boooring!
“What about George Tenet testifying that the Central Intelligence Agency completely blew it?”
Look. I put up with you “news” types because some people are actually interested in this stuff. But, most people could care less –
“Couldn’t care less.”
DON’T INTERRUPT ME WHEN I’M CHASTISING YOU!
“Sorry.”
I mean, Rebecca Romijn-Stamos is splitting from her husband John Stamos! Do you have any idea what that means?
“Uhh…North America is vulnerable to another terrorist attack?”
Some people just don’t understand what’s really important. Sign off.
“But -“
I SAID SIGN OFF!
“This is Subaru Debutante reporting from Washington.”
Social trends always make for interesting journalism. Vivienne Tso-Wa, what have you been up to?
“I’ve been working on a story, but it’s really not ready to -“
Tell us what you’ve got.
“But I could really use another week to -“
We can always issue an update later. Really. Go for it.
“Okay… An American study has confirmed the findings of an Australian study that indicated that frequent sexual activity could lessen the possibility that a man would contract prostate cancer. In response, a second study has shown that masturbation definitely causes hair to grow on your palms, so young boys should not necessarily feel encouraged in their nocturnal pursuits. From Boston, this is Vivienne Tso-Wa reporting for The Irrational.”
Sex just seems so much more impressive when it’s backed by research from an Australian university, doesn’t it?
“American President George Bush -“
Did I say you could go next?
“Sorry, Eloise. I thought there was a natural pause there.”
Is your story sexy?
“Some people think so.”
Okay. Give it your best shot.
“American President George Bush has agreed to allow Israel to keep some of its settlements in the West Bank. This is an unusual bargaining tactic: to get concessions from Palestinians, the US is offering perks to the other side. If this does not end the intifada, the President is considering allowing Israel to take over all of the occupied territories, as well as parts of Jordan, Egypt and Iraq. It will issue all Palestinians with special jackets that have targets painted on the back. And, of course, all Arabs within the Greater Israel Area will need written permission from Israeli authorities to breath. ‘We’re hoping the Palestinians will learn from this what it means to bargain in good faith,’ the President explained. From Washington, this is Jason Petersburgovitz reporting.”
That’s what you think is sexy?
“Are you kidding? I could have a different partner every night.”
Wow. And I thought arts reporting was hot.
“War, Eloise. That’s where the action really is.”
Hmm. Learn something new every day – who says television isn’t informative? Do we have anything else on war?
“I have an item on death. Would that qualify?”
Try it, Eldred, and let’s see where it goes.
“The American Department of Homeland Defense will get $50 billion a year as a response to the 9/11 terrorist attack that killed almost 3,000 people. That makes each of their lives worth approximately $16,666,670 in federal spending. What would the American government be spending if it took other causes of death as seriously? The Irrational has developed the following chart to help answer this question for you:”
| cause of death | number of dead | annual cost |
|---|---|---|
| heart disease | 700,140 | $11,669,002,333,800 |
| cancer | 553,760 | $9,229,335,179,200 |
| accidents | 101,530 | $1,692,167,005,100 |
| suicide | 30,620 | $510,333,435,400 |
| homicide | 17330 | $288,833,391,100 |
| workplace injury | 5,430 | $90,500,018,100 |
| drowning | 3,247 | $54,116,677,490 |
“Vice President Dick Cheney turned off his cloaking device long enough to take one look at these numbers and state, ‘Are you nuts? I’m as compassionate as the next fucking person, but spending this much money would bankrupt the country!’ Well, bankrupt it faster, perhaps. This is Eldred Cleavuntoer reporting from Washington.”
Mmm…no. No, that’s not going to make the end of year highlight reel.
“Britain’s Big Four accounting firms are pushing for a liability cap – a limit on the amount of money they can be sued for if a company they audit is found guilty of illegal behaviour. ‘We like our reputation for being boring,’ a DIE spokesman stated, ‘and we wouldn’t want people to think we live an exotic, criminal life.’ From London, this is Monique Moosehead reporting for The Irrational.”
Are you serious? I want glitz and glamour and you give me…accountants?
“That’s actually part of the joke, Eloise. You see -“
This is the week Kill Bill Volume II comes out! This is the week Carrie Snodgress died! You give me a lame-o report on accountants the week Carrie Snodgress died?
“Uhh…who is Carrie Snodgress?”
Hunh – WHO IS Carrie Snodgress! Just the forgotten mother of Neil Young’s son Zeke, that’s all! Just the woman who walked away from an Oscar nomination for Diary of a Mad Housewife in order to become one! Oh, Monique! There’s more pathos, more reality, more…humanity in her story than in all of tonight’s newscast!
Jian, you’re an arts reporter, help me out, here!
“Sales of Eric Clapton’s latest album, Me and Mr. Johnson, skyrocketed thanks to a link from the Playboy Web site. Most were returned, however, when listeners found out that the title of the album referred to old blues master Robert Johnson. For The Irrational, this is Jian Gezundheight reporting from Toronto.”
Hunh! This anchoring gig is like herding a roomful of cats.
Later in the broadcast, a new internal Finance Department study claims that health care will remain affordable over the next 40 years as long as current spending trends are maintained. Why doesn’t this get as much play as doom and gloom reports that the Canadian health care system is on life support with a terminal condition? WHO CARES! Have you seen Johnny Depp in Secret Window? Seriously – is there no movie so bad that he can’t find a way to salvage it? You know, I’ve always had a secret –
Eloise?
“Joe?”
What are you doing?
“Well, I, uhh, I…”
You’ve been dipping into the Cognac again, haven’t you?
“As a matter of fact…”
Oh, Eloise! I’m out of makeup and ready for the newscast – don’t you have to be somewhere to file a report?
“Sorry.”
That’s When It Became Obvious That It Was a Reality Show in Name Only: Donald Trump fires the last woman contestant on The Apprentice…