The Importance of Being Ernst: The Globe and Mail calls Jew-baiting, Holocaust-denying good time boy Zundel ‘a champion of civil rights.’ Bigots across the continent demand a day of recognition on or near Martin Luther King Day.
The Lord Tooker Him: Environmental activist Tooker Gomberg dies, leaving Canadians with one less source of amusement. Come on – words with Ks and Gs in them are funny. Tooker Gomberg. Tooker Gomberg. Tooooooooker Gommmmmmberg. See? You’re smiling already.
That’s That, Then: a military investigation into a botched air strike in Afghanistan that killed nine children concludes that it followed the appropriate rules of engagement. Commented one grieving parent: “I guess there’s no point pursuing our wrongful death lawsuit.”
“From a dilapidated old shack behind the Medieval Studies building that houses the programme named after Canada’s most famous media theorist, this is The Irrational, with Joe Anchor.”
Does psychological correctness know no bounds? As Rahul Festrunk reports, there are no villains any more – just misunderstood civil servants.
“Former Public Works Minister Alfonso Gagliano testified to a Commons committee that he had no knowledge of the sponsorship scandal, making him the latest in a long line of politicians who would rather be thought of as incompetent than corrupt. Seeing how successful the tactic is, relatives of the late fascist dictator Benito Mussolini are trying to rehabilitate his good name. According to Italo Mussolini, ‘Benito was the victim of a media smear campaign. He had no idea that the party he led was allied with the Nazis, or was even at war with anybody.’ This is Rahul Festrunk professionally damping down his skepticism as he reports from Ottawa.”
Is technology really improving people’s lives as much as technologists claim? As Jason Petersburgovitz reports, computers do allow people to steal vast sums of money with the touch of a button, although some may not see this as progress.
“The RCMP is investigating a ‘sophisticated’ scheme that bilked the Canadian defence department of almost $160 million in computer contracts over 10 years. Apparently, a representative of Hewlett-Packard walked into the defense department and asked for millions of dollars to do no work. The investigation involves trying to find out who actually said, ‘Yes.’ From Ottawa, this is Jason Petersburgovitz reporting for The Irrational.”
Would it be appropriate to call Prime Minister Paul Martin’s culling of Liberal MPs who were loyal to former Prime Minister Jean Chretien a purge or a massacre? Buffy has the latest report from the battle lines.
“Sheila Copps, having lost the Liberal Party nomination in the riding of Hamilton East-Stoney Creek to Tony Valeri, would like the vote to be reheld, claiming widespread irregularities. She is not a whiner, though, Copps insisted. A moaner, bitcher, complainer, grumbler, sourpuss, sorehead, grouser, crank, grouch or griper, maybe, but not a whiner. It’s so good that she’s cleared that up for us. From a bar in Ottawa with Jason and Rahul, this is Buffy reporting.”
Why is it so easy to hate those that are different from us? And, I’m not talking just about Anglicans. Anson Bergecheck reports from the front lines of the war against racism, which, oddly enough, turns out to be a suburb of Toronto.
“Thirteen homes in Vaughan were spray painted with swastikas and other anti-Jewish messages, including the words JEWZ SUK. Members of B’nai B’rith said that this was proof that nobody need fear that modern anti-semites would organize more violent anti-Jewish events: ‘I mean, they can’t even spell!’ Reporting from a safe house in an undisclosed location, this is Anson Bergecheck reporting.”
What is the latest scientific outrage perpetrated on poor, defenseless mother Earth? Science reporter David Sosumi is only too happy to go on at length about it in this report.
“In an opinion piece in The Star, Sumitra Rajagopalan asks: ‘A Canadian mission to Mars? Why not?’ How about the fact that the mission would go billions of dollars over budget, and it would take years before it was revealed that at least a third of that went to public relations firms in Quebec? From Ottawa, this is David Sosumi thumbing his nose at Joe Anchor for The Irrational.”
Oh. That was an actual science report. Sorry, David. Dealing with the daily grind of human misery, stupidity and suffering can make one cynical.
If, as economists claim, the American economy is booming, why do so many working Americans feel like they’ve been hit in the head with a boom? Eldred Cleavuntoer tries to answer the question that has dogged politicians for many minutes.
“Last month, the American government claimed that the economy would create 130,000 new jobs. Only 21,000 were created. Where did the others go? Into the American Imaginary, of course, that strange, mystical parallel universe that is so much like ours, yet so different. With an election coming up, President George W. Bush intends to run on his record…from the Imaginary, where the economy is booming, the federal deficit will be paid down in his second term, the Israeli hard line has resulted in peace with Palestinians and democracy is fully emerging in Iraq. ‘Gee,’ Democratic Presidential hopeful John Kerry remarked, ‘it’s hard to beat a record like that with mere reality!’ With one foot in the American Imaginary and one foot in the real New York, this is Eldred Cleavuntoer reporting.”
They say that if you can make it there, you can make it anywhere. Does this include news of the weird (not the copyrighted News of the Weird, but the weird news that always existed before it)? As justice reporter Kirk Mackerel found out, they even do bizarreness bigger there.
“After a New Yorker walking her dog was electrocuted by faulty wiring under the pavement, the New York district attorney’s office began conducting a study to determine if it was feasible to use this method to execute convicted murderers. Almost immediately, the American Civil Liberties Union condemned death by city street as cruel and unusual punishment. This is Kirk Mackerel reporting from a helicopter high above the streets of New York.”
It was an event that traumatized a nation – how best to make money from it? Social trends and obscure plant diseases reporter Vivienne Tso-Wa finds, to nobody’s surprise, that the answer is easier for the more politically connected.
“With September a few months away, how are you thinking of commemorating the terrorist attack on New York? Why not buy a piece of the actual airplane that crashed into the World Trade Centre? Apparently, FBI agents took plenty from the rubble as souvenirs. However, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld stated he wouldn’t sell the piece of the plane that hit the Pentagon that he owns, claiming that ‘that would just be sick.’ This is Vivienne Tso-Wa, saving up my pennies in New York.”
Is technology really improving people’s lives as much as – no, wait a second – I already used that intro. Well, anyway, Monique Moosehead has another technology story for the propeller heads in our audience.
“The European Union is only days away from making a decision on whether or not Microsoft abused its dominance of the computer operating systems market. Microsoft Chief Executive Officer Steve Ballmer said, ‘I’ve seen the latest draft of the top secret decision, and I’m not worried. You’d think they would have had the sense to use Linux.’ The Irrational has obtained a copy of the next to top, not quite secret but still not exactly public draft of the decision, which includes such damning passages as:
‘1E;3_,U!L?`(`!`@`(`+P”KC @%`+P”!“@`P(`(`.VX1\`U/((\O`@!/!)M@’-A:62`:6Z`; 7F`C97!T86YC98!S<&5E8VB`872`071L86YT88!T:&%TM@'1H98`Q.3@X@&5L96-T:6]N@'=A
M@#$PA’-E8V]N9(!S;W5N9(!B:71E
I believe this shows just how perfidious Microsoft’s control of the market really is. From Maastricht, The Netherlands, this is 6YC98!S V%SSV%B;W reporting for +P” 6]N@’=A[X!”
Should entertainment news be considered as important as political news? As Jian Gezundheight reports, more people care about celebrities, so entertainment news is, if anything, more important. Hey – if you don’t like it, you can always read a newspaper.
“Geffen Records was given permission by a federal judge to release a greatest hits album from rock band Guns N’ Roses over the objections of lead singer Axl Rose. Rose claimed that he was not consulted on the choice or remixing of material for the album. Hmm…makes you wonder who the real pirates are, doesn’t it? This is Jian Gezundheight, downloading as fast as I can in Denmark.”
Later in the broadcast: former USA Today journalist Jack Kelley is being investigated for possibly fabricating substantial amounts of eight separate articles. Former Irrational reporter Bryson Pecobia responds: “We’re supposed to be impressed? What a poseur! I completely made up eight articles in one week!” Good to know there’s something Canadians excel at…