From Top 40 to America’s 10 Most Wanted: A warrant is issued for pop star Michael Jackson for allegedly molesting children. The tabloid press (and, who among us isn’t part of it these days?) goes to town with a story that has everything, including: abused children, faded celebrities and bizarre aliens.
A Man Who Really Knows How To Make an Ashcroft of Himself: United States Attorney-General John Ashcroft states that the Bush administration would not have deported Canadian citizen Maher Arar to Syria if it hadn’t believed assurances from the Syrian government that he would not be tortured. Oh, really, John? I thought that was the whole point of the exercise.
The Index Rose 238 Points On A Trading Volume of Zero: Spongebob Squarepants rings the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange. Damage is estimated at $24 million.
“From the delete bin in front of the Book City on Bloor Street West, this is The Irrational with Joe Anchor.”
Ever wonder how much Canada cooperates with American intelligence gathering efforts? Eldred Cleavuntoer tells us the latest in this report.
“What role did Canadian intelligence services play in Maher Arar’s deportation to Syria, where he was tortured for months before being released? Canadian Foreign Minister Bill Graham asked American Secretary of State Colin Powell, who told him to talk to Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge. However, when Canadian Finance Minister John Manley asked Ridge, he was told that the person handling the case was Powell. This dance is known in diplomatic circles as ‘The Political Responsibility Shuffle.’ When asked why he didn’t just get the information from the RCMP, Graham said, ‘because the dance requires an even number of participants, and asking the RCMP would just throw off the rhythm.’ For The Irrational, this is Eldred Cleavuntoer in Washington.”
Ever wonder how well the Ontario Liberal Party could keep its campaign promises once elected? Anson Bergecheck tells us the latest in this report.
“In a recent speech, Ontario Premier Dalton McGuinty claimed he stopped the construction of privately funded hospitals. ‘How dare he keep his campaign promise!’ Tory opposition members bleated. A closer inspection of the legislation, however, showed that the hospitals would still be privately funded – the arrangements have merely been slightly altered. ‘How dare he break a campaign promise that he had told us he had kept!’ the same Tory opposition members bleated anew. I bet McGuinty secretly wishes he had gone into a saner profession…like highwire dentistry. This is Anson Bergecheck reporting from Toronto.”
Ever wonder why kabillionaires still feel the need to cheat their companies out of chump change? Rahul Festrunk tells us the latest in this report.
“Paul Conway, in a letter to The Globe and Mail claims that, ‘Rather than to feel a sense of national pride for his [Conrad Black’s] achievements as an international business figure as well as for his scholarship, we like nothing better than to see him brought down.’ Hate to disillusion you, Paul, but the $7 million Lord Black of CrossPurposes took from Hollinger without the permission of its Board of Directors is peanuts – it’s nothing compared to the take of a senior Enron executive or an American fund manager. Black will have to set his sights higher if he wants to compete in this arena.
“In a related story, Hollinger must quickly find replacements for the four independent directors who recently resigned from its board. Names being bandied about include Attila the Hun, Genghis Khan and Caligula. ‘I’ll bet those who whinged about the cost of our time machine research programme are now seeing it in a whole new light,’ Lord Black of CrossedEyes commented. From Ottawa, this is Rahul Festrunk for The Irrational.”
Ever wonder how other countries feel about being American vassals? Subaru Debutante tells us the latest in this report.
“Mexico’s Ambassador to the United Nations, Adolfo Aguilar Zinser, was dismissed after saying the United States regards Mexico as a second-class country in a ‘relationship of convenience and subordination.’ The dismissal was the right thing to do. After all, the US sees every country in the world that way, so why should Mexico feel singled out? This is Subaru Debutante reporting from Mexico City.”
Ever wonder how powerful men justify passing legislation telling women what to do with their bodies? Sylvia Ferberance tells us the latest in this report.
“American President George W. Bush signed a law banning late term abortions surrounded by six men. When called upon this, House Speaker Dennis Hastert, one of the men, commented: ‘Well, obviously, you can’t have pregnant women up there because their hormones seriously affect their judgement.’ What’s your excuse, then, Den? Another of the men, Senator Orrin hatch, stated, ‘I hope women will keep in mind that we make laws for all Americans, not just them.’ Sure, Big O, that makes perfect sense…when you are able to get pregnant. And, as for Republican Senator Rick Santorum, well, some people just don’t deserve precious airtime on a newscast. This is Sylvia Ferberance in Washington.”
Ever wonder how far a politician’s rhetoric can be divorced from political reality before the public catches on? Germaine Tims-Stimson tells us the latest in this report.
“American President George W. Bush, on the first day of his official trip to Britain, stated ‘No longer should we think tyranny is benign because it is temporarily convenient.’ Members of the Saudi royal family squirmed in the front row, until Bush covertly winked at them and they settled down.
“In a related story, the question of why British Prime Minister Tony Blair has been so subservient to American interests was answered when an episode of The Simpsons aired with his voice. Not only has he long been a fan of the show, but it offers him an avenue of employment after his country’s next election.
“Finally, Saudi Arabia has allowed elections for dogcatcher in some of its smaller municipalities. ‘You see?’ President Bush crowed, ‘A despotic monarchy is not incompatible with democratic practice!’ Winning candidates were immediately executed. For The Irrational, this is Germaine Tims-Stimson in Washington…but pining for the fiords.”
Ever wonder how alternative sources of energy get research funding? Buffy tells us the latest in this report.
“Buried in the 1400 page Energy Policy Act is a provision that will approve the spending of $227 million to back four shopping malls, at least one of which will contain a Hooters restaurant. ‘This bill promotes research into alternative energy sources,’ one of its proponents argued. ‘The energy released when a thousand men get erections could power a small housing subdivision for several…seconds…’
“In a related story, an investigation into the August 14 blackout that left 50 million people in Canada and the United states without power has determined that responsibility for the disaster lies with an Ohio electric company. It is estimated that the energy released by the outtake of breath from Ontario utility workers could power a small housing subdivision for several minutes. For, like, The Irrational, this is Buffy. Reporting from Washington. Is that cool, or what?”
Ever wonder why your hard drive keeps filling up even when you’re not using your computer? Monique Moosehead tells us the latest in this report.
“Microsoft Corporation has vowed that ‘security is a top, top, uppermost top priority’ in the wake of the Sobig and Blaster viruses. This supercedes last year’s announcement that ‘security is a top, top priority,’ the announcement the year before that ‘security is at the top of the company’s research agenda,’ and the announcement the year before that that ‘security is something we take very, very, very seriously.’ I don’t know about you, but I’m going back to smoke signals. Reporting from an icon on your desktop, this is Monique Moosehead.”
Ever wonder how the richest men in the world get their jollies? Humphrey Puffy tells us the latest in this report.
“Multibillionaire currency speculator George Soros, fresh from his overthrow of Eduard Shevardnadze’s government in Georgia, has set his sights on the American Bush administration. Already, Republican pundits (and, who among us isn’t one these days?) are complaining that Soros’ $15 million contribution to the Democrats amounts to one man hijacking the democratic process. As opposed to the cabal of corporations that contributed $200 million to Bush’s reelection campaign, money that most of them will make back from reduced environmental regulation or war profiteering in Iraq. Nope. No hijacking of the democratic process there. For The Irrational, this is Humphrey Puffy.”
Ever wonder how long I can maintain this control before I snap? We’ll have the latest in a report later in the broadcast…