We Clone Alone: the Canadian government bans human cloning. Experts are divided on whether the law covers John Nunziata.
Oh, Take a Pill: The American Food and Drug Administration warns that if Canada continues to export less expensive drugs to the States, the country will face a serious drug shortage. It goes on to suggest that Canadians should get more fibre in their diet, watch less television and try to get to bed at a reasonable hour. Who says Americans only care about their own narrow interests?
Oblivious to the Obvious: An analysis of contracts to rebuild Iraq shows that more than half of the companies – and eight of the top 10 – that were awarded a share of the $8 billion in reconstruction funds had close ties to the Republican Party or the Defence Department. Journalists are always the last to know…
“From somewhere between the tip of the CN Tower and the CN railyards, this is The Irrational, with Joe Anchor.”
…
“Joe? Joe? Well, he doesn’t seem to be here, so I’ll just go straight to my report. Provincial Auditor Erik Peters has found that the Ontario Conservatives left office with a $5.6 billion deficit. The incoming Liberals were preparing to gloat, until they realized that so few Tories were left in the house there was nobody to hold accountable. ‘The Conservatives didn’t lie on the campaign trail,’ claimed Byron Phillippidou, Queens Park janitor. ‘They honestly believed that…umm…they believed – err, why am I the one who has to defend them?’ From Toronto, this is Anson Bergecheck reporting for The Irrational.”
…
Okay, this is Ian Hawdogoatsing, substituting for Joe Anchor, who is…well, we’re really not certain where he is or what he’s doing. As Monique Moosehead found, Canadian Rolling Stones fans may soon be getting little satisfaction.
“HMV Canada has removed all Rolling Stones merchandise in response to the band signing an exclusive deal with Best Buy to distribute a new DVD package called Four Flicks. In the wake of the move, stock analysts expect a sharp upsurge in the use of “You can’t always get what you want” jokes. Is there any way to stop this fatuous pseudo-cleverness? You may hope so, but you can’t always get…well, you know. From Toronto, this is Monique Moosehead reporting.”
Yes, fans hoping to get the latest Stones offering might as well be 2,000 light years from home for all the good it will do them. A recent poll shows –
Oh, move over, Ian!
Eloise Tendentious? What are you doing he –
I’ve had a taste of the news anchor desk, buddy boy, and I like it! Besides, you’re too boring to host the news.
Oh, yeah? What about the 2,000 light years from home reference?
Ian, don’t you even pay attention to the reports you introduce?
I…I was getting my makeup done. Anyway, Eloise, we have a system of seniority. You can’t just – AAACCCKK!
Yeah. Seniority this, pal. Okay, in other news: it’s generally understood that news organizations shouldn’t report on their rivals, but new numbers always give us a hook on which to do just that, as Irrational corespondent Buffy shows.
“According to the latest Newspaper Audience Databank (NADBank) survey, the Toronto Star has made significant gains in the 25 to 49 left-handed Vegan reader demographic. The Globe is crowing over its increasing lead in the 18 to 24 female transexual with reading disabilities demographic, while The Sun is advertising that it’s Toronto’s leader with the 18 to 35 prison population. (Sadly, The National Post couldn’t find a demographic in which it posted readership gains, no matter how obscure.) Despite all of this good news, newspaper readership as a whole continues to decline. ‘Oh, sure,’ Toronto Star publisher John Bowtie muttered, ‘everybody complains that newspapers are dominated by bad news, but when we try to say something positive…’ For The Irrational, this is Buffy, reporting on an ice floe that has broken off the Arctic shelf and is slowly making its way down the Saint Lawrence Seaway.”
Hey, Buffster, don’t you carry stakes any more?
Yes, we continue to believe in the validity of numbers even though we know how easily they can be manipulated. As social trends and moose droppings reporter Vivienne Tso-Wa found, there are lies, damn lies and public opinion polls.
“A new poll indicates that 62 per cent of Canadians support direct drug advertising to consumers. The poll also shows that 57 per cent of Canadians approve of running with scissors, and a whopping 89 per cent would like to try Krazy Gluing their eyelids to a hot radiator at least once in their lives. Pollster Roger Eaakamouse admiringly commented, ‘Those must have been some incredibly persuasive questions!’
“In other poll news, a poll of Canadian polling agencies shows that 87 per cent of pollsters skew polling questions to ensure that the polls offer upbeat opinions of the economy and negative opinions of the ruling Liberal Party. ‘This confirms that the economy is basically strong,’ Eekamouse commented, ‘and, if you don’t believe me, it’s because of the propaganda put out by the Liberals!’ From Ottawa, this is Vivienne Tso-Wa.”
War in Iraq? Boooooooring! What? Well, yes, Germaine Tims-Stimson, the mud stud, is the cutest reporter currently on assignment. He has such dreamy eyes, and the way he stands in a foxhole and reports with steely determination on the war hundreds of kilometres away – okay, you convinced me. Here he is.
“In the aftermath of a week of attacks in Iraq that killed over 30 people and injured over 100, United States President George W. Bush said, ‘They’re not going to intimidate America, and they’re not going to intimidate the brave Iraqis who are participating in their freedom.’ In response, Islamic Dunciad exploded a bomb that killed two Americans and injured 17. Soon after, ID representative Abdullah von Tigriti said, ‘It’s good to finally be engaging the Americans in meaningful dialogue.’ From a quiet spot on the Euphrates, this is Germaine Tims-Stimson reporting for The Irrational.”
Oooh, yummy. No, that’s not drool on my chin – I just have trouble closing my jaw sometimes – my doctor says I may need a wire put in. Thanks – that’s definitely what I want a national television audience to know about me.
Harumph. Exploiting fear – no longer just for sleazy politicians and tabloid newspapers. Kirk Mackerel has the report.
“Staff Inspector Gary Ellis, head of Toronto’s homicide squad, claimed that a killing over the weekend was due to Canada’s lax marijuana laws. ‘The victims weren’t actually involved in the marijuana trade,’ Ellis admitted, ‘no marijuana was found at the scene of the crime, and, to my knowledge, the victims didn’t even actually use marijuana themselves. The connection should be obvious.’ From Toronto, this is Kirk Mackerel.”
I can’t say as I care for T-Rex Murphy ever since he wouldn’t take no for an answer at a Mother Corporation Christmas party. Still, some people like him, I suppose, so, here he is.
“The merger of two major American banks last week has prompted calls to allow Canadian banks to merge. HELLO! Don’t you know the United States has a gazillion banks while Canada only has five? Remember the scene in Bowling for Columbine where Michael Moore opens a bank account and gets a gun? Well, what he didn’t show was that every time somebody in the United States buys a gun, they open a bank! Hello, First National Bank of Geordie and Samantha! Come on, people! The situation in the two countries is not the same! I mean, at the rate banks in the United States are merging, their banking sector won’t resemble Canada’s for another 237 years! Let’s face fa -“
Uhh, T-Rex?
“What?”
Could the fact that you just found out how much your bank is charging you to recover your cashed checks be colouring your judgement?
“Absolutely not! The fact that Canadian banks are blood-sucking leeches had no bearing on my opinions whatsoever!”
Okay. Thanks for clearing that up.
With Tom Jacobek and John Nunziata all but out of the Toronto Mayoral race, whoever does win has a built-in re-election slogan: It Could Have Been Worse…