Sheila Copps admits that, with only 10 per cent of the committed delegates, she doesn’t have a hope in hell of overtaking Paul Martin to become the next leader of the Liberal Party, but is staying in the race because her mouth effectively overruled her brain and wouldn’t let her back out. No, wait, that’s the federal Liberal leadership election. John Nunziata backs a plan to trade the city’s homeless to New York for some homeless people to be named later, then wonders why a homeless shelter doesn’t want to let him stay the night as a publicity stunt. No, wait, that’s the Toronto mayoral election. Well, somewhere between the two, Ontario goes to the polls.
“This is Sunday Reports, with host Wendy Miserly.”
The headlines in the newspapers the day after the leadership debate pretty much told the story. The headline in The Toronto Star read: McGuinty bites Premier’s nose to spite his face. The Globe and Mail headline was: McGuinty ducks, weaves, bobs and dances, but isn’t bent, folded, spindled or mutilated. The front page of the National Post read: Premier batters, bruises, butchers, hurts, harms, wounds and defaces Liberal challenger, but he refuses to fall. And, of course, The Sun‘s headline was: Sunshine girl wins Miss Beaches End of Summer Bikini Bash.
For those of you who may have missed it, here is an excerpt from the debate:
“You -“
“No -“
“Wait!”
“Deficits will -“
“No, they wo -“
“Promised -“
“Mommie!”
One plank in the Liberal platform is to put teeth back into the civilian oversight process of Toronto’s police force. In response, Craig “Dessert Fox” Brommel (not a union leader, but oh so close) promised that if the Liberals are elected, police will picket the legislature. And, who would patrol the barricades when they do? Oh, I can think of a number of activists who would love to be able to turn water jets and pepper spray on the police. Maybe Brommel should probably rethink his position on uncivil disobedience…
Using this stated Liberal position, Premier Ernie Eves slammed the Liberals – another of whose planks is to pay to put another 1,000 policemen on Ontario’s streets – for pandering to the police during elections. Hmm…better, I suppose, than pandering to them throughout your entire mandate. Oh, and, Ernie, barbed wire chic went out with World War II.
New Democratic Party leader Howard Hampton, citing falling support for the Conservatives, claimed the election was a two-party race between his NDP and the Liberals, despite the fact that the NDP has consistently polled at 12 to 15 per cent of the voters. Hampton went on to predict a Blue Jays World Series win this year, the United States leaving Iraq by the time of the election and Luis St. Laurent rising from the dead and blessing the Canadian economy. Clearly, Hampton is positioning himself as a newspaper horoscope columnist after he retires from politics.
In a related story, Hampton, who has adroitly used props throughout the campaign, is reported to have nixed video footage of lemmings falling off a cliff. Obviously, someone in the NDP campaign is more in tune with the Party’s chances of success than its leader…
On the campaign trail, Premier Eves, who has been accused of waffling on important issues, gave the following speech: “Snarl – growl – my government has cut medical benefits to the elderly. Ahem…that is, we feel that the elderly should get a tax break to cover education, which they no longer use. Snarl – growl – then, we’re gonna claw back their damn generous pensions! Oh, but, then, every senior will get ice cream for the rest of their lives – snarl – growl – which will be cut short because we’ll send everyone over 65 onto Lake Ontario on an ice floe! So, I, uhh, trust my position is now clear.”
In other election rhetoric, Eves, who has been slamming the federal Liberals on such issues as same sex marriage legislation and the gun registry, hoping the taint would waft over to their provincial counterparts, has been heaping praise on Liberal frontrunner Paul Martin. One Liberal observer commented: “I wouldn’t want to see his chiropractic bill!” Joe Clark must be – oh, right, well, whoever’s leading the federal Conservatives must be thrilled.
In other other election rhetoric, Premier Eves accused the Liberals of raising taxes, even though Liberal leader Dalton McGuinty has pledged not to. According to Conservative thinking, the Liberals will not make good on a Conservative pledge to lower taxes, so… George Orwell nods in understanding while most Ontarians go, “Hunh?” (HINT: Eves is a lawyer, not an economist.)
McGuinty shot back that the provincial government is running a deficit of anywhere from two to $4 billion. Eves responded: “The government of Ontario does not have a fiscal deficit…but, if we did, it sure would make it hard for the Liberals to pay for all of their campaign promises, wouldn’t it? (REMEMBER: lawyer, not economist.)
In other other other election rhetoric, Premier Eves has claimed that if the Liberals are elected, Ontario’s economy will collapse, there will be anarchy in the streets and neutrons will move out of their orbits around atomic nuclei, causing random holes to appear in the space-time continuum. “I don’t want to be alarmist,” the Premier commented, “but I just think voters should stand back and think carefully before they vote on October second.”
Meanwhile, there is, apparently, no truth to the rumour that the Green Party is considering changing its name to the Lorne Green Party, the Seth Green Party or the Tom Green Party. “I know a lot of younger Ontarians would probably jump at the chance to join a party hosted by Tom Green,” said the leader of the Green Party, whose name hasn’t appeared in any of the other media outlets covering the election, a tradition we intend to uphold, “but we feel it would be selling out our principles.” And, some day, if the Green Party, which fielded candidates in all but one of the province’s 103 ridings, is allowed to participate in public debates, Ontarians might have the opportunity to find out what those principles are.
For Sunday Reports, this is Wendy Miserly.