The Problem With Inviting Asteroids Is That They Stay As Long As They Want And Tend To Trash Your Place
Do you remember when Ann Coulter was relevant? Neither do I. I contacted an archaeologist for help; she said she hadn’t heard of Coulter, either. We both had vague, unpleasant memories of a professional racist, somebody who said vile things about minorities because the gig paid well, but could find no evidence in the fossil record of such a person existing.
So, it was surprising that Coultersaurus (trollicus supremi) reared her head and roared recently. Or squeaked might be more accurate. Her rant against Republican presidential wannabe Nikki Haley was classic Coultersaurus: tell somebody with a funny name to go back to where they came from, even though they were born in the United States. If she was aware that Coultersaurus existed, Haley could jog around the block and say, “Okay, Ann, I’m back in my own country. Is that all you’ve got?”
You may think that it is brave of her to attack another Republican, but the Coultersaurus dines out on low-hanging fruit; it’s easy to attack somebody who is highly unlikely to win the party’s nomination. If she was really brave, she would go after the obvious front runner: Donald Trump. But Coultersaurus is, if not smart, at least cunning enough to know not to invite an asteroid for a visit!
Today’s Weather Report: Heavy Haley With A Chance Of Frost
And speaking of people who are about to have their dreams very publicly crushed…
Nikki Haley appears to want a bidding war with Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, also a Republican Presidential wannabe, over how old children should be before they can be taught sex education. Haley saw DeSantis’ third grade and raised him to seventh grade. Expect DeSantis to raise her to to twelfth grade. Then, Haley will go all in and say that human sexuality should not be taught to medical students at college. DeSantis will call because that’s the way this game is played.
The sad thing is that DeSantis has only a slightly better chance of winning the nomination than Haley does (basically, his snowball will melt a bit less quickly than hers under the unrelenting heat of Hell). So, while the stakes feel high to the players, they are, in fact, irrelevant to most of the people huddled around the table, watching the game in fascination and disgust.
And can we please, please, please move past the whole “parents know best what their children should be taught” bluff? Parental guidance is what led to an explosion of teen pregnancies in the first place! And it’s not hard to see why. The sex talk from Republican parents is likely to be: “You know when a Blue M&M and a Brown M&M love each other very much…nothing much happens because they can’t reproduce. They come off an assembly line in a factory. And, uhh, that’s really all you need to know about that!”
You Think Rupert Murdoch Is Going To Take This Insult Sitting Down?
You’re Absolutely Right. He’s Deathly Afraid Of Losing MAGA Viewers
Donald “The Asteroid” Trump has lost the popular vote twice. He was a major factor in the Republicans losing the Senate in 2020. He was a likely factor in the Republicans not regaining the Senate and winning the slimmest of majorities in 2022, an election in which historically they should have blown the Democrats out of power in both houses. As a matter of fact, Republicans haven’t grown tired of winning, yet, they’re waiting for all that winning to start!
The asteroid appears to be getting desperate as it enters the possible prosecutions layer of the planet’s atmosphere. So it lashes out. DeSantis is an obvious target, a rival for the 2024 Republican nomination who has positioned himself as “the smarter, crueller Trump.”
But Fox News? Dude! These people lied to your base repeatedly about election fraud that they knew hadn’t happened! Don’t take my word for it: look at the tweets they sent to each other on the subject! The only way they could have carried your water any more would have been if they had followed you into the bathroom and replaced your adult diaper for you!
But that’s the problem with asteroids, isn’t it? The narcissistic bastards don’t care about the destruction they leave in their wake!