Ah, the war in Iraq. It seems like just last week that we were inundated with news of limbless children, American flags in inappropriate places (as if!) and reporter/soldier/cheerleaders acting as though they were homers doing the colour commentary for an away game. One can almost be nostalgic for those days now that we’ve moved on to news of mystery illnesses, tax cuts and the latest in bad behaviour fashion by celebrities.
Almost.
Today, we’ve decided to test your knowledge of that ancient history. Oh, we know, we know – history was never our favourite subject, either. But, history is good for you – like eating broccoli or watching C-SPAN. So, suck it up, people, and take this test to see how good your knowledge of those by-gone days is. As always, do not send completed tests to us! We were always distracted by Rhonda Mae’s perfume in history class.
1) How can a President who ducked out of his military service during the Vietnam War stand on the deck of an aircraft carrier in a military uniform with a straight face?
a) He’s making up for lost time.
b) He wants to relive memories he never had.
c) It’s a post-modern, ironic comment on the absurdity of war.
d) Little boys always enjoy playing soldier.
2) Hostilities in Iraq have pretty much ceased. Why hasn’t the United States declared the war officially over?
a) If the war doesn’t last at least six months, the country will forfeit the deposit it put down on its Abrams tanks.
b) As long as the war isn’t officially “over,” a detailed “peace plan” doesn’t have to be made public by American “officials.”
c) Paperwork. It does tend to pile up and slow things down, you know.
3) Civil unrest in Iraq’s largest cities seems to be (please pardon the expression) dying out. Why is this?
a) The American cable news networks got bored with Iraq and embedded their reporters in the Riviera.
b) Even though many of the native police officers returning to their jobs are not allowed to have weapons (something about their loyalty to the fallen Hussein regime, where they had a bad habit of torturing and killing Iraqi citizens), prolonged American bombing has made Iraqis so jumpy that all the police have to do is shout “BOO!” really loudly and they scatter.
c) Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to loot.
4) Hostilities in Afghanistan have pretty much ceased. Why hasn’t the United States declared the war officially over?
a) President Bush – who never met a domestic policy other than tax cuts or deregulation that he liked – has learned from the mistakes of his father and, therefore, will not allow the war to end until the last month of his second term.
b) The sun. The sand. Who would ever want to leave?
c) Afghanistan? Why are you going on about Afghanistan? Haven’t you heard that there’s a war in Iraq?
5) The United States claims to want democracy in Iraq, but will not allow the Shiite majority in the country to rule it if elected. How can we reconcile these two positions?
a) Squint real hard and ignore the blurriness.
b) Sunspots.
c) Twenty years of therapy.
6) Prime Minister Chretien is considering joining the American missile defense system, claiming that his decision will not be a way of appeasing the United States for not joining the war on Iraq. Why, then, would he decide to do this?
a) It’s to appease the US for not joining the war on Iraq.
b) Don’t be naïve! Of course it’s to appease the US for not joining the war on Iraq.
c) Don’t be a moron! It’s go to be to appease the US for not joining the war on Iraq.
d) Oh, my god, you don’t think the Prime Minister believes, against all the evidence, that the missile defense system might actually work…do you?
7) What are cluster munitions?
a) The gift that keeps on giving.
b) One way of keeping civilians away from military targets…like forests and fields.
c) Little Achmed’s excuse for staying out of school – for the next few years.
d) Human Spam in a can.
8) The United States government claims that reports of widespread looting at Iraqi hospitals are exaggerated, that it only happened at two or three facilities. Hmm…what to make of this?
a) The government is spinning so quickly, it’s a wonder it doesn’t get dizzy and fall down.
b) “My goodness, were there that many IV drips?”
c) You know, when it comes right down to it, being anesthetized while having a limb amputated is overrated.
9) How should Iraqis respond to the fact that Christian missionaries are planning to come to their country to deliver aid?
a) The should welcome the missionaries warmly – lord knows, there isn’t enough religion in the Middle East!
b) Take their food and medicine, then try and convert them to Islam.
c) Keep repeating to themselves, “This is not a clash of civilizations! This is not a clash of civilizations! This is not a clash of civilizations!”
10) Match the liberation rhetoric with the liberator:
a) “You will be told that I have come to destroy your religion. Do not believe it! Reply that I have come to restore your rights!”
b) “We intend to spread god’s gift [of liberty]…to each and every person.”
c) “Our armies do not come into your cities and lands as conquerors or enemies, but as liberators.”
i) Napoleon Bonaparte, as his armies marched into Cairo.
ii) George W. Bush on Iraq.
iii) General F. S. Maude, commander of British forces in the part of the Ottoman Empire that is now Iraq in 1914.
11) What is the role of the United Nations in post-war Iraq?
a) Holding the United States’ cape.
b) Somebody’s gotta make the coffee.
c) Helping Iraq build stable, democratic government structures and develop a truly civil society and…and…APRIL FOOLS! (Yeah, yeah, I know it’s a couple of months late but – sheesh, don’t you have a sense of humour?)
12) What does the fact that he told the Washington Post that keeping the country’s attention on the war against terror is “part of [NBC news anchor Tom] Brokaw’s job” say about President Bush?
a) He has a keen appreciation of the role of a free press in a democracy.
b) He has a keen sense of humour.
c) He’s very keen on war.
13) The United States has found a trailer which, it claims, is a manufacturing lab for biological agents. What is your response?
a) Smoking gun, schmoking gun! Before the war, President Bush promised Iraq had 500 tonnes of chemical weapons, 25,000 litres of anthrax and 38,000 litres of botulinum toxin, and I won’t feel safe until every last drop is accounted for!
b) Where is Hans Blix when you need him?
c) The US was given the trailer by the Saddam-loving Kurds, so we know the chain of evidence is pure.
d) Hey, speaking of the chain of evidence, when is the season finale of Law and Order: Canine Patrol?
14) Whose contract to work on the Iraqi oil fields was just increased to $75 million?
a) Walt Disney corporation, and they’re very excited about the corporate synergies that the deal could unleash.
b) Kellogg Brown and Root, a subsidiary of Halliburton Oil, former stomping ground of Vice President Dick Cheney. (Oh, don’t look so shocked! Your faux naivete stopped being amusing a long time ago!)
c) My cousin Vinnie.
15) What qualifies career diplomat, counter-terrorism expert and man who wields a mean cricket bat L. Paul Bremer to run post-war Iraq?
a) His initial initial shows that he has a common touch.
b) He was the only person at the State Department who could find the country on a map.
c) He has partied with President Bush’s daughters.
d) He’s not General Jay Garner.
16) What was Turkey’s response to US Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz’ suggestion that the country made a mistake by not joining the war on Iraq?
a) “What part of democracy do you not understand?”
b) Turkey has vowed to stop dreaming that the United States is going to take it to the prom.
c) I could say, but this is a family publication. (To give you some idea: have you ever seen The Last Detail?)
17) There are reports that nuclear material was looted from Iraq’s facilities. Why would anybody want it?
a) To keep their homes warm (until the flesh started melting off their bones…)
b) Because people on eBay will buy just about anything.
c) It’s easier than going to Russia to buy nuclear material.
18) Why is President Bush telling Iran to stop pursuing its nuclear energy programme?
a) Syria was way too easy a target.
b) He has attention deficit disorder.
c) To keep the American public’s attention off the disastrous opening of The Real Cancun.
19) The United States has just announced a plan that would allow it and Britain to control the money generated by Iraq’s renewed oil industry. What do they intend to use the money for?
a) Party hats for every man, woman and child in the country!
b) To pay for tax cuts for wealthy Iraqis. (Like there are any left in the country!)
c) Bribes for Afghani warlords.
20) The Israeli government submitted 14 objections to the American road map to peace in the Middle East the day before it was made public. How will this be reported in the North American press?
a) “Sharon engaged in Middle East peace process.”
b) “Palestinians obstruct Middle East peace process.”
c) “Does anybody seriously think that anybody can keep the Yankees from winning another World Series?”