The sun is shining. Friends are sitting by the pool, drinks in hand. That special someone is making small talk. What’s wrong with this picture?
YOU’RE IN THE HOUSE FILLING OUT A STUPID QUIZ!
Do everybody a favour. Go out by the pool and regale your guests with the story of Uncle Tomasso’s gall bladder adventures. You aren’t missing anything: if you had filled this quiz out and tried to return it to us, we would have ignored it. You think you’re the only one with a pool?
1) What have Iraqis done to deserve being attacked by the United States?
a) wore “I survived the Bush Presidency” t-shirts on the 10th anniversary of the first American attack on Iraq
b) made rude hand gestures in the general direction of Afghanistan’s Karzai government
c) breathed
If you answered a, go to previous question; if b, go to next question; if c, go to end.
2) How soon after the announcement that cocaine contributed to Who bassist John Entwistle’s death should we expect to hear the first conspiracy theory?
a) a year
b) a month
c) a week
d) apnea
e) too late
If you answered a, go to question 12; b, go to question 18; c, go to question 6; d, go to question 1; e, please stand by and an operator will be with you shortly.
3) How do you feel about living in an age of intelligent machines?
a) if the most stimulating conversation I’ve had in months has been with my coffee maker, is that a sad comment on me, my coffee maker or both of us?
b) I would scoff at the whole concept, but my toaster is giving me a dirty look
c) I’d rather live in an age of intelligent human beings
If you answered a, go to Hull; b, go tell it on the mountain; c, go fly a kite.
4) What is the proper comic response to the fact that sewage from World Youth Day flooded a store complex across the street from where the Pope spoke?
a) it gives new meaning to the phrase “holy water”
b) it gives new meaning to the phrase “holy shit”
c) it gives new life to jokes about the Pope shitting in the woods
If you answered a, Willie go round in circles; b, don’t go there, girl; c, Houston, we have a go.
5) What would you do with five vials of Angelina Jolie’s blood?
a) are you kidding? Did you see Lara Croft – Tomb Raider? I would give them back to her on my hands and knees and beg her not to hurt me.
b) use it to clone an army of…well, I’m not sure what, exactly, but they’d have thick lips and a chest to hip ratio impossible to believe
c) for god’s sake – she was married to Billy Bob Thornton! Hasn’t the woman suffered enough?
d) use it to publish a special edition of Coleridge’s Xanadu
If you answered a, take five points; if b, take 10 points; if c, go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200; if d, take 20 points.
6) What is the most important sign of a religious revival in North America?
a) “Yahweh or the highway” bumper stickers
b) Aunt Bertha started going to Church again because she met Father Michael in Wal-Mart and he convinced her that prayer would help her condition
c) the stock market being redefined as a religion
If you answered a, go to question 7; b, go to question 7; c, go to question 7.
7) What is the latest fashion trend?
a) masturbation is the new breakdancing
b) squid is the new calamari
c) purple is the new ragtime
d) Vin Diesel is the new Marilyn
If you answered a, play Go; b, “Where do the Boys Go?”; c, Hugo Boss; d, Yugo, girl.
8) How many existentialists does it take to screw up a light bulb joke?
a) six billion – one to write it and the rest to figure it out
b) 27 – but don’t ask them to
c) none – the joke died on its own
If you answered a, Gobi Desert; b, go wash your hands; c, how long is this going to take?
9) When the US invades Iraq, what weapons of mass destruction do you expect they will find?
a) thousands of jars of flu infected camel spit
b) a crate of box cutters
c) a country full of mud
If you answered a, Gogos; b, Googoo Dolls; c, oh, go on!
10) Waddya say, Joe?
a) dunno Flo – wanna catch a show?
b) oh, no – gotta go – talk tomorrow
c) Heathrow’s aglow with a phylo pillow
d) Joe is not home at the moment. If you would like to leave a message, just start talking at the sound of the…you know
If you answered a, take another turn; if b, take five; if c, give or take; if d, take me to your leader; if e, take off, eh!
11) What is the greatest state in the union?
a) confusion
b) bliss
c) suspended animation
d) Alabama
e) South Dakota
f) grace
If you answered a, put your right hand on a red circle; if b, take a pie and go again; if c, three spades; if d, check; if e, ride the snake to the bottom; if f, tag – you’re it!
12) When will Jean Chretien resign?
a) 2:47 pm EST
b) hey – it’s his party and he’ll stay if he wants to (stay if he wants to, stay if he wants to)
c) wouldn’t the Canadian people like to know?
d) when Paul Martin freezes over
If you answered a, insert Tab B into Slot 2; b, give it a rest; c, okay.
13) How would the world be different today if Charles Babbage had actually completed construction of his difference engine?
a) there would be no Cherry Tang
b) computers would be a lot louder
c) Victoria would still be Queen
14) On the 25th anniversary of his death, which Elvis Presley did you miss the most?
a) the young, thin, Memphis Elvis
b) the old, fat, Vegas Elvis
c) the Latin Elvis
d) the Downe Syndrome Elvis
e) the Martian Elvis
15) What are “smoker’s rights?”
a) the right to pollute their lungs with a wide variety of chemical additives and risk dying prematurely from any of a variety of truly unpleasant illnesses
b) the right to pollute the air, putting those around them at risk of filling their lungs with a wide variety of chemicals and dying prematurely from any of a variety of dreadfully unpleasant illnesses
c) …the right to remain silent. If you do choose to speak, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law…
d) the right to skateboard through rush hour traffic
16) What is your reaction to an exhibition of Marcel Duschamp Readymades?
a) phooey! You’ve seen one toilet on a wall, you’ve seen them all
b) somebody really made a fuss over this?
c) Theremin reconstructed meeting exhibition exhibition exhibit mollusk
d) people in the first half of the 20th century must really have had a lot of time on their hands
17) Why does Leah McLaren have a column in the Globe and Mail?
a) her insightful analysis of world events is a tremendous asset for the newspaper
b) she makes her much older male editors feel smugly superior
c) you have to admire a writer who is willing to parade her solipsistic self-absorption in front of some of the most sophisticated readers in Canada
18) What should you do if you get a “you have performed an illegal act” error message on your computer?
a) plan to go quietly when the police come for you
b) thoroughly curse out Microsoft, as your father did when he was your age, yea, verily, and his father before him, and his father before that
c) tell yourself it’s not illegal if nobody finds out and act as though nothing has happened
d) tell yourself it’s not illegal just because Microsoft says it is, but plan to move to Venezuela just to be on the safe side
e) ask Bill Clinton to define “you”
19) What should you do if you put your foot through the screen of your computer after you get a “you have performed an illegal act” error message?
a) plan to go quietly when the police come for you
b) tell your friends you injured yourself fighting against Microsoft’s near-monopoly on operating systems
c) join a computer abusers help group
d) remember with fondness the days before you started using computers (which, for many of you, means your time in the womb)
20) How should you feel if you have never received a “you have performed an illegal act” error message on your computer?
a) relieved
b) perplexed
c) unfulfilled
d) completely indifferent