Thank you, Phillip A. “Buster” Bunker, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we imagined Wonder Woman and Batgirl were sitting in a bar, drowning the sorrows of having their respective films shelved by Warner Brothers. “That drip Aquaman is going to get another movie and we aren’t!” Batgirl moans. “Oh, he’s kind of cute,” Wonder Woman responds. “We should…we should walk into James Gunn’s office,” Batgirl says, “and you should do your lasso thing on him and demand to know if our movies were cancelled because we’re strong women!” Wonder woman shrugs. “It has always been that way.” Then, Batgirl falls off her stool and Wonder Woman tells her she’s not safe to drive on the batcycle and gives her sister superhero a lift home in her invisible jet.
Because if we can’t get the official stories, we’re just going to make up our own, dammit!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Some Games Get Old Real Fast
Here’s a fun little game you can play to while away the hours this New Year’s. We call it The American Mass Shooting Drinking Game. Here are the rules:
1. If a mass shooting occurs in the United States within one week of New Year’s Day, take a swig of beer for every person the shooter kills.
2. If anybody says their “thoughts and prayers are with the victims and their families,” take a shot of Sambuca.
3. If a Democrat says that the Republicans should tone down the rhetoric against [INSERT NAME OF TARGETED GROUP HERE] because it is getting people killed, take a long gulp of hot black coffee.
4. If a Republican says that the killer was crazy, take two swigs of whisky.
5. If the Republican goes on to say that the shooting had nothing to do with the Party’s rhetoric against [INSERT NAME OF TARGETED GROUP HERE], take a shot of vodka.
6. If a Democrat argues that this is why gun control measures are needed, take a long gulp of hot black coffee.
7. If a Republican argues that gun control measures are forbidden by the Constitution because the Founding Fathers anticipated the carnage on American cities and decided it was a necessary price for freedom, drink a glass of gin.
8. If a Democratic gives a lecture on the meaning of “a well regulated militia,” take a long gulp of hot black coffee and a baby aspirin.
9. If a Republican claims Democrats are coming for your guns because they hate your freedom, drink a glass of rye and hit yourself in the head with a hammer.
The last person to pass out in an alcoholic stupor wins. Alternately, if more than one person is conscious (broadly defined) an hour after the game has begun, a tie may be declared at the discretion of the least drunk person at the party.
SOURCE: The Wawaneesa Group Monthly Newsletter
[http://mnc.com/flexmere/ontologicon/wawaneesa/internal/newsletters/January2022.txt]
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There’s Nothing Like Impending Jail Time To Concentrate The Sphincter
Constitutional scholar Donald Trump may just be talking out of his ass, as he has a tendency to do when he is facing serious jail time. Or, he could actually be on to something.
According to his reading of history, James Madison said, “The Constitution will be a legal document that binds all elected officials to rules of conduct – unless a candidate alleges massive electoral fraud, in which case it should be suspended.”
To which Alexander Hamilton replied: “That’s a curious interpretation. Nowhere in the text of this magnificent foundational document does it say anything about electoral fraud being a pretext to suspend the Constitution.”
To which Madison re-replied, “It’s implied.”
This escalation of accountability evasion is likely to fail as badly as the 57 others Trump has tried. Then what?
Can you imagine Trump ten years from now? “I should be President! Not Krazy Kamila!” he will be shouting to whoever will listen. “If only all those judges I appointed ruled the way – huff – ruled the way I was expect – huff huff – they we they were supposed – huff huff huff – give me a second. I…I need to sit down and catch my breath…”
At least it will amuse his fellow inmates.
SOURCE: Karl’s Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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For Me: A Retirement Condo In Florida
For You: A Homeless Shelter
I Didn’t Say It Was The Same Better Place
“My message to Canadians is, yes, there’s going to be some short-run pain, but we are going to get through this. We’re going to get to a better place.”
– Tiff Macklem, Bank of Canada Governor
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Senator’s Shenanigans Giving You A Headache? Fortunately, There’s A Pill For That…
Senator Kyrsten Sinema has made it official: she’s divorcing the Democratic Party to sit as an Independent.
“You go, girl!” the pharmaceutical industry cheered the move. “You show them you don’t take orders from anybody!”
SOURCE: The Hill You Die On
[https://thehillyoudieon.com/homenews/administration/448835-critics-unimpressed-by-latest-sinema-offerings]
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The First First Avenger
Genre filmmaker Albert Pyun has died at the age of 69. Pyun, whose oeuvre includes Dangerously Close, Alien from L. A. and Vicious Lips, may be best known for making the 1990’s Captain America, although his friends and family, not to mention Marvel Cinematic Universe fans, probably wish he hadn’t.
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Failure Is An Orphan, And A Goofy One At That
Who Killed The Republican Georgeea Weorgeea Run-off Election’s Chancey Wanceys?
“I used to like vampires,” said Herschel Schlewalker Schlemaker.
But as he evaded his campaign’s public role,
It became clear that he was not in control
(Or, for that matter, a very good talker).
“Not I,” said Donald Trumpy Wumpy.
His poorly considered candidate selection
Cost the Republicans their third election;
His future in politics could be very bumpy.
“Not I,” said Mitch McConellish McDonellish.
Who, despite an affect that borders on plastic,
About the candidate was initially highly enthusiastic,
Even though later he would claim that the choice he did not relish.
“Not I,” said Rick Scottily Snottily.
The National Republican Senatorial Committee head
Would not admit responsibility – he would rather be dead,
But Herschel had his support, however spottily.
“Not I,” said Ronnasame McDanielame.
The person who ran the DNC
Was supposed to be as helpful to Republican candidates as she could be,
But under no circumstances would she accept the blame.
SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/856.html]
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