Their names would mean nothing to you. Their names mean nothing to the tens of thousands of men and women whose paychecks depend upon the decisions they make. Right now, they’re sitting around a large table, grimly contemplating the adjective “sexy.”
“Are you nuts? That has got to be the most overused adjective on television! Family sedans are now sexy! Underarm deoderant is sexy! Maytag dishwashers are sexy! MAYTAG DISHWASHERS! D’ya…did you hear that? That’s Jesse White doing a spin cycle in his grave!”
“Fox is describing it’s new season as ‘sexy’…”
“Fox describes every new season as sexy! Sometimes, they’re even right. But, that just proves my point. We need another adjective.”
“Supersexy?”
“You’re fired. Anybody else?”
“Hot?”
“Hot was yesterday’s tasty! What else?”
“Feisty?”
“Mmm…no. Too Mary Tyler Moore, first three seasons. Again?”
“Spicy?”
“What are we? The Cooking Channel? AGAIN!”
“Kick-ass?”
“Too eighties. Besides, the family groups will nail our – well, let’s just say that they won’t be happy.”
“Must-see?”
“Okay, look. First off, it’s been done to death. People hear ‘must see’ and they think: ‘must avoid!’ Second, it’s two words. I don’t give a flying crap if it’s got a hyphen – it’s still two words. Two words don’t become one just because you put a damn hyphen between them! And, third, didn’t I just fire you? Who’s next?”
“Fantastic?”
“Done.”
“Amazing?”
“Done!”
“Eye-popping?”
“What am I running here – a network for zombies? Please, people, work with me, here. If we don’t find a way to describe the new season for potential viewers, they won’t know what to say about it in emails around the water cooler. Can’t anybody come up with something that hasn’t been used before?”
“Medieval?”
“They didn’t have televisions back then.”
“Horrific?”
“I beg your pardon?”
“Like…it’s so horrific, it’s…terrific?”
“Dammit, why don’t you stay fired?”
“Fetid?”
“…Look. Are you trying to tell me that every possible positive adjective in the English language has already been used to describe a television show or season?”
“Err…”
“Umm…”
“Well…”
“It’s adjective inflation, Sy. You know that. When third-rate reality shows featuring vicious hairdressers and chartered accountants are described as ‘apocalyptic,’ you know we’ve reached the limits of meaningful communication and taken language to a whole new level.”
“So, what can we do?”
“Make up our own adjective.”
“Seriously?”
“Absolutely! I took the liberty of trying out a few on a test audience. Reaperiffic tested well, and we got a lot of positive feedback on fradgtastic – I think it could be a real winner for us in the coming season.”
“Frig…no, frack – what?”
“Fradgtastic. Fraj…tastic. Emphasis on the second syllable.”
“Fradgtastic? But…what does it mean?”
“That’s the best part. If you make up your own adjectives, they can mean whatever you need them to mean! Got a dog of a new sitcom starring Jim Belushi? No problem. It’s hilarious…it’s gut-wrenchingly funny…it’s fradgtastic! Need to push a Law and Order knock-off? It’s smart and there’s a mystery and you’ll love the lead actors? It’s got to be fradgtastic! How about that second-rate reality show about vicious manicurists and former IRS -“
“Yes, well, I think I get the point. But… fradgtastic? Really?”
“It tested very well with 12 to 25 year-old males.”
“I don’t know… What if the other networks start creating their own adjectives?”
“What makes you think they haven’t been conducting their own tests behind our backs?”
“Lord! Are we talking about an adjective war with CBS and HBO, here? This could quickly escalate into something truly ugly…”
“That’s why we need a preemptive strike! Get our new adjective out there in the public consciousness before they deploy theirs.”
“What do the rest of you think?”
“It’s fradgtastic.”
“I can’t wait to get home and tell my wife the fradgtastic news!”
“This could be the start of a fradgtastic new trend in television promotion!”
Sigh.