“You want how many?”
“Four million.”
“Are you nuts!”
“You know, Ian, as much as I understand that that is a figure of speech intended to express disbelief, I still do not appreciate hearing it directed towards me.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Yes, I want to buy four million Iraqi lives.”
“Are you – okay, look, sir. Right now, Iraqi lives are trading at 897 to an American, and they’re expected to drop below a thousand by the end of the month. They’re worthless!”
“No life is worthless, Ian.”
“An admirable sentiment under most circumstances, sir, but not when you’re playing the life market. The value of an Iraqi life is currently in freefall, and there is a serious possibility that the price will drop to the entire population. I’m sure I don’t have to remind you that at that point the nation will be delisted and you will lose your entire investment.”
“This is nuts! We should have never accepted the American life standard!”
“Allah, please! Do you remember the chaos of the market when it was based on a floating standard? Nobody wants to go back to that!”
“Ach! Entities like Loki and Ares manipulated the life market for their own gain when we were on the floating standard! I said that going to the American standard would make it easier for them to manipulate the market, and I was right!”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you! Ares has been selling Iraqi lives short for several months! Loki has been right in there for almost as long. And, many of the other entities are now following suit. There is a powerhouse building in the market and you don’t want to be caught on the wrong side of it!”
“These manipulations can’t be legal.”
“The Universal Securities Exchange Commission has already signed off on them. That battle was lost millennia ago.”
“Mmm…”
“You insist upon buying four million Iraqi lives?”
“I have a feeling -“
“Oh, Allah, how many times have I told you not to gamble on hunches?”
“Well, I -“
“No. Forget about that. Can I at least convince you to hedge your bets a little?”
“How?”
“Buy some Canadians. At 1.5 Canadian lives per American, you can afford to lose on the Iraqi lives.”
“Won’t the potential for terrorist attacks on Canadians increase if they support the war on Iraq?”
“Sure. But, that’s the beauty part of this investment: any retaliatory attacks on North America would likely hit Canada less severely than the United States. At the worst, Canadian lives would rise or fall in lock step with Americans, safeguarding your investment!”
“How many Canadian are we talking about?”
“Ah…let me get out my calculator here…factoring in the Iraqi exchange rate…allowing for contingencies… To be on the safe side, let’s say 350 Canadians.”
“Can I afford to buy the Canadians on top of the Iraqis.”
“It is a bit of a stretch. You may have to take a little loan out with the Karmic Bank…”
“But…what about my other holdings? Saudi Arabians and Iranians are still strong…aren’t they?”
“For the time being. Unfortunately, as you well know, situations change. The United States has said that after it is done with Iraq, it intends to turn its sights on the other countries in the region. There is serious concern in the market on what this will do to the value of life throughout the region.”
“Maybe I should just sit it out for a while – wait until things cool down…”
“Not necessarily. You know, the fundamentals of the life market haven’t changed – they’re still essentially strong. If you avoid the obvious pitfalls, there is still a lot of spiritual profit to be made.”
“I don’t know…”
“Allah, please. How long have I been your life broker?”
“About…close to 600 years…”
“And, have I ever steered you wrong?”
“Well…there was that Ottoman buy order -“
“One mistake in 600 years. You’ve got to admit, that’s an enviable record.”
“Still, I don’t want to be seen backing people who don’t believe in me…”
“Well, you know, there are a lot of Arabs in Canada, and the number is growing all the time. I think it could be argued that buying Canadian lives now would be a shrewd investment in the future.”
“Alright. Buy the Iraqi and Canadian lives.”
“I love it when a client sees the light…”