6:00 am
CNN Daybreak Satan, in an interview about his creation of “reality TV,” lets slip that he was disappointed that the United States didn’t ask Hades to be part of the “coalition of the willing” in the war against Iraq.
7:00 am
NBC Today Donald Rumsfeld jokes that the war on Iraq is so popular, even mythical personifications of evil want to be a part of it.
8:00 am
CBS The Early Show Jacques Chirac condemns Donald Rumsfeld’s attempt at humour, claiming that it is just one more example of American arrogance, insularity and just plain bad taste.
9:00 am
ABC Live With Regis and Kelly Ari Fleischer accuses France of knee-jerk anti-humourism.
10:00 am
CITYTV CityLine Jean Chretien says he has a 12 point plan that would, if agreed to by the United nations, bridge the gap between the United States, Iraq and the latest player in the deepening crisis, Hades.
11:00 am
OMNI 1 Montel Williams Baal explains that, although Hades had traditionally sided with Iraq, Saddam’s regime had been so hobbled by the 1991 Gulf War and subsequent decade of economic sanctions that his ability to cause mayhem in the Middle East had been severely curtailed, forcing Satan to reconsider and back the Americans, who appeared to be in a much stronger position to cause death and destruction.
12:00 noon
WB Maury Condeleeza Rice tells Maury that Hades has never officially contacted the United States about joining the coalition, but the United States would gladly ally itself with any nation willing to fight for freedom and democracy.
1:00 pm
CNN Live From… Hades, where Satan claims he made a legitimate offer of support for the anti-Iraq war effort, but the White House refused to answer to his calls.
2:00 pm
UPN Ricki Lake Donald Rumsfeld jokes that any person who got a call from Satan would be wise to let the answering machine pick it up and never return it.
3:00 pm
FOX Jerry Springer Death says Satan, a close personal friend, is a good ally to have in battle and wonders why the United States would so cavalierly reject his offer of assistance.
4:00 pm
CBS Oprah George W. Bush thanks Satan for his support, which the President doesn’t doubt is sincere, and says the Joint Chiefs of Staff are, at this very moment, considering Satan’s generous offer.
5:00 pm
CNN Wolf Blitzer Reports Colin Powell says the United States will never align itself with Hades, no matter how sincere Satan’s expressions of support, and that the President has always been very clear on this point.
6:00 pm
PBS BBC World News Ari Fleischer says that the government has not foreclosed on any options on Iraq, and Colin Powell’s latest pronouncement on the subject, far from being government policy, was just another example of the President’s openness to debate, an openness you will certainly not find in Baghdad.
7:00 pm
CNBC The News With Brian Williams Colin Powell says there is no way in Hell – you should pardon the expression – he will ever agree to send troops under his command into battle alongside the Prince of Lies and his dark minions.
8:00 pm
CNBC Kudlow & Kramer Ari Fleischer reminds everybody that it is the President who has the ultimate responsibility for determining who the coalition members are and, while he appreciates a good give and take, nobody in his government should mistake that as a license for insubordination.
9:00 pm
CNN Larry King Baal jokes that growing up in Hades was no picnic, but, what the Hell, it was home, and asks the question on everybody’s mind: Is Hades in or out of the coalition against Iraq?
10 pm
MTV Video Flow Donald Rumsfeld says the United States will determine coalition members at its own pace and jokes about Avril Lavigne being a hot babe. At least, we hope it’s a joke.
11: 30 pm
NBC The Tonight Show With Jay Leno Colin Powell compares chins with Jay and does a remote from a hot dog stand on Second Avenue.
CBS Late Show With David Letterman Satan reads the top ten list: Top Ten Ways You Know You’re Getting Jerked Around By An Ally.
12:05 am
CTV The Mike Bullard Show Jean Chretien whines that everybody seemed to ignore his realistic compromise on Hades and the coalition, and jokes about Paul Martin’s Liberal leadership campaign.