People often assume from the kind of writing they find in my column that I am a desperately unhappy, persistently cynical misanthrope. This is unfair. I daresay I am no more unhappy than most, and I am not cynical.
Really.
You know what a cynic is? A cynic is a person who believes the American government is angry at the suspension of Parliamentary democracy by Peruvian President Alberto Fujimori because American officials weren’t invited to the ceremonial tossing out of the first law protecting human rights.
A cynic is a person who believes the National Hockey League’s players’ strike is the first job action where the violence decreased the moment the pickets went up.
A cynic is a person who doesn’t accept the idea that a country that repeatedly flouts international law can claim moral leadership in world affairs. A cynic is a person who never tires of explaining that he or she is referring to the United States to people who do not recognize it when it is described in this way.
A cynic is a person who believes that we live in the best of all possible worlds…unfortunately.
A cynic is a person who believes the position “Head of Creative Programming” is an oxymoron.
A cynic is a person who believes inside every wimp is a bully just waiting to emerge…and lead his country. A cynic is a person who feels it is her or his obligation to point this out to anybody who will listen.
A cynic is a person who believes that the only people who should be allowed to “carry paper” are newspaper deliverers.
A cynic is a person who has stopped believing that the political process in a democracy benefits the entire popula – no, wait. That’s not a cynic – that’s just anybody who voted in the last election.
A cynic is a person who believes that the New World Order is made up of the same old dishes with fancier names so the customers can be charged more. A cynic is also a person who would like to be served by somebody different.
A cynic is a realist with an attitude problem.
A cynic is a person who doesn’t flinch at things that make strong people turn away, a car accident, for example, or a Toronto Sun editorial section.
A cynic is a person who believes that the most common reaction to the news that the largest single living organism in the world may be a mushroom is to imagine a really, really big omelet.
A cynic is a person who says, “The Conservatives must love the poor because they’ve created so many of them.”
A cynic is a person who can’t believe that the people who object to the inclusion of a charter of rights in Canada’s Constitution on the grounds that its potential effects are unclear are the same people who want to enshrine property rights in the Constitution despite the same objection. But, a cynic is a person who learns quick.
A cynic is a person who believes the death penalty is a bit severe for stealing a car.
A cynic is a person who suspects that if the Ontario government really does allow casinos to operate in the province, it will find a way to lose money on them.
A cynic is a person who does not share Preston Manning’s surprise that there were racists in the Reform Party.
A cynic is a person who loves black holes, the anarchists of the physical universe.
A cynic is a person who doesn’t understand how politicians can expect to be the only employees in the world able to keep their salaries and benefits from their employers. Of course, a real cynic is a person who isn’t impressed by journalists who report on the issue without disclosing their salaries and benefits, especially those journalists who get a lot of perks from the government for working in the nation’s capital.
A cynic is a person who doesn’t care whether the glass is half empty or half full – the carcinogens in the tap water will get you either way. As for the optimists and the pessimists, a cynic is a person who believes they should get their own column!
See? I don’t believe any of this stuff, so I can’t be a cynic. Nope. Not me.