A lot of people were surprised that, in the middle of a recession, Canadian banks posted a profit of over $3 billion. There was nothing mysterious about the profit, however, as listening to any typical transaction would prove:
“May I help you?”
“Yes. I got a letter this morning that says I owe the bank $1,100.”
“Yes?”
“That can’t be right. I only opened a checking account three months ago -“
“Oh, sir, I’m not at liberty to discuss a client’s spending habits …”
“This is not about my spending habits. There’s nothing wrong with my spending habits. I should have $300 in my account. How can I owe you money?”
“Perhaps if you show me your bankbook…ahh, well, there you are. It’s all the charges, you see.”
“Charges?”
“That’s right. See, these are for processing every cheque you cashed, these are for processing every cheque you wrote, these are for processing every cheque that came back NSF – oh, dear.”
“I can explain that -“
“No need, sir. Moral opprobrium is a service we only provide to our Gold Card customers.”
“What about those charges?”
“Well, those charges are for the ink you use to write up your deposit and withdrawal slips. These charges are for use of the front door, the carpets you walk on and the counters you write your slips on and are currently leaning against. Then, there’s the depreciation charge on all these items -“
“What about this charge – the one marked AIR?”
“I should have thought that was obvious. That’s for the air you breath while you’re in the bank, based on a formula which calculates the average number of seconds per transaction times the median volume of air breathed by a typical person of your age, sex, height and build.”
“But, air is free!”
“Be thankful you don’t drink our ‘complimentary’ coffee.”
“How come I didn’t know about any of these charges?”
“They’re clearly printed on the second page of your bank book.”
“There’s nothing there but a blob of ink.”
“Ah, well, there you go. If you inspect that blob of ink under an electron microscope at high resolution, you will see that an explanation of our service charges has been clearly printed. It is right next to a copy of the Gideon Bible which we have also supplied at a very minimal cost. Besides, our service charges are explained to every new customer.”
“They weren’t explained to me.”
“If you were really interested, you should have signed up for the course…”
“I don’t have the time to take a course to figure out my bank charges!”
“Well, at the very least, you should have received an update on the latest changes in the mail.”
“An update?”
“That’s right. The microdots were mailed last month.”
“I thought that envelop from the bank was empty!”
“Really, sir! How can we help you if you do not take bank correspondence more seriously!”
“…What about these charges? Here?”
“The ones marked TLC?”
“That’s right.”
“They’re for my time.”
“Your time?”
“That’s right. Averaged per transaction. And, if I may say so, sir, it may not be wise of you to prolong this conversation any longer than is absolutely necessary, considering how much you already owe the bank…”
“This is outrageous! I demand to see the manager!”
“I’m afraid you would have to take out a mortgage to be able to afford to.”
“I don’t believe this! In three weeks, you’ve given me $1,400 in bank charges! I’m not going to pay!”
“Sir?”
“No! I’m not going to pay them!”
“But, don’t you want to contribute to the financial stability of one of the most envied banking systems in the industrialized world?”