“Psst. Hey, you. Kid.”
“Who, me?”
“Yeah, you. C’mere. I got something for you.”
“Uhh, I don’t know. My dad always told me not to talk to strangers…”
“Very wise advice, too, Kid. But I’m not a stranger — not really. I’ve been established on this corner for decades. Besides, I have something I know you’re gonna want. Really. You will.”
“Y…you do?”
“That’s right. Here. Why doncha you try…this?”
“Hey, Mister! If you don’t button up your raincoat this instant, I’ll screa — hey. Is that what I think it is?”
“That’s right, Kid. A greasy hamburger, quick fried and kept warm under a heat lamp. Go ahead. Try it. It’s got all your favourite toppings…”
“You…you’re a pusher!”
“Personally, I’m not into labels. I prefer to think of myself as rendering a necessary service to the community. But, yeah, okay, some people do call me that.”
“I heard all about what you’re selling in Health class, Mister! I know all about the deadly effects of cholesterol, so don’t try to –“
“Selling? You think I — no, Kid. You got me all wrong. I’m giving it away. Free. Gratis. No charge. Here. Take it.”
“You can’t fool me, Mister. I know how this works. One burger now and I won’t live to see my sixtieth birthday! Hardening of the arteries, chronic heart disease and citizenship in the country with the highest percentage of obesity in the world are all I will have to look forward to! Well, no thanks, Mister — I don’t want to get addicted to fried foods. I’m just saying no!”
“Kid, you got me all wrong. I’m not trying to get you addicted. Just the opposite, actually: I know a smart, sophisticated adult like you will be able to make up his mind about what experiences to have and what not to have.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. I mean, why do you think your parents are trying so hard to keep you away from fast food, anyway?”
“They’re worried about my health?”
“Is that what they tell you? And you believe them?”
“Weeeell…”
“Come on, Kid. Get real. Your parents know that hamburgers taste soooo goood! The hypocrites are just keeping the goodies for themselves!”
“No!”
“Believe it. How often does your mother make french fries for their evening meal? But she won’t let you buy them from me? What’s that all about?”
“Hey! Watch what you say about my mother!”
“Lighten up, Kid. I’m just trying to open your eyes to what’s going on around you. When your father goes out on one of them business lunches, do you really believe he eats nothing but salad? C’mon! Social burger eating, is it really that different from what I’m suggesting you try?”
“But I…I don’t know. It doesn’t feel…right…”
“No? Why don’t you ask Mikey about it, then?”
“Mikey? He gets burgers from you?”
“Every Friday afternoon for months. At first, he was like you, shy…suspicious — he had bought all this fried food hysteria. Just like you. But he was brave enough to ignore all that nonsense and try it out for himself.”
“Yeah, well, Mikey, he’ll try anything.”
“It’s not just Mikey, Kid. All of your friends have either already had their first taste, or they will soon. Do you want to be the only kid on your block who hasn’t tried burgers?”
“No. But I don’t want to end up with a cow on my back, either!”
“Hmph. Colourful metaphor. But don’t worry, Kid. It won’t happen to you.”
“So…if I don’t like it, I don’t have to have any more?”
“Well, the first time isn’t always the best — your stomache has to get used to digesting the fat and the grease. But I guarantee that if you stick with it, you’ll love what the taste of hamburgers will do for you.”
“And if I’m worried about the disappearance of the world’s rainforests to make way for cattle grazing grounds, I can quit at any time?”
“Trust me…”
Can’t happen in your neighbourhood, you say? Look around you, Friend. In most cities, there’s a fast food pusher on every corner…