Dear Raoul,
What is safe sex?
Curious in Schenectady
DEAR CURIOUS: Sex is a filthy, disgusting human urge against which we must constantly fight. Safe sex was originally started as a way of minimizing the risk of sexually active people contracting a sexually transmitted disease. To me, however, it’s a good way of avoiding the whole horrible act. The best way of minimizing the risk of catching a disease is, of course, to minimize the risk of actually having sex. The best way to do this is for you and your partner to be in rooms on opposite sides of the city (or, better still, opposite sides of the continent), thinking about fluctuating grain futures prices between 1984 and 1994. If that doesn’t work, try having sex immediately after watching Shoah.
Dear Mister Blackaddar,
I’ve been a housewife for over 20 years. In the last few months, I’ve found myself becoming physically aroused by the scent of Lysol. What should I do?
Horny Housewife in Hoboken
DEAR HOUSEWIFE: Get help. Immediately.
Raoul,
Given the great number and variety of letters you get about people’s rutting habits, you must think about sex a lot. Like, all the time. How do you handle it?
Jack in Jersey
DEAR JACK: That’s a vrey perceptive question. Thank you for asking. I find that drinking heavily salted carrot juice six to eight times a day effectively kills the slightest hint of a sexual urge which I might feel while working. (It’s pretty darned effective while I’m not working, too, but that’s none of your business!) For emergencies, I have an autographed picture of Rush Limbaugh over my worktable; one quick glance is all I need to resume my purity of thought. It would be better for me to not be constantly bombarded by other people’s sexual peccadillos, of course, but this is a sacrifice I am prepared to make to help shed light on this country’s abysmal ignorance of the horrors of their bodies.
Raoul,
I’m obsessed with the sex life of a very famous person. He’s middle-aged, not especially good looking — you can tell he’s had one too many Big Macs in his life. Still, whenever I see him talking about trade with China on the TV, or his plans for a balanced budget, I can’t help but wonder who he spent the night before with. I mean, when I hear him giving a State of the Union address, I can’t help but think of the state of his unions, if you know what I mean. I just can’t help myself. Am I sick, or what?
Confused in Connecticut
DEAR CONFUSED: You suffer from what is becoming known is psychiatric circles as Video Voyeurism, an unnatural obsession with watching the sex lives of politicians being revealed on television. If it’s any comfort to you, millions of your fellow Americans suffer from the same thing. Since voyeurs spend more time watching sex than actually engaging in it, this seems to me to be a step in the right direction.
Mister Blackaddar,
I’ve been happily married to the same man for over 30 years. Our sex has always been tender and playful, and my husband and I agree that, as we have gained experience and grown freer with each other, it has actually improved. We are considerate of each other’s sexual needs and very giving. For god’s sake, what’s wrong with us?
Guilty in Gananoque
DEAR GUILTY: It’s perverts like you that really make me sick. Sexual dysfunction is the norm in North America — hell, it’s practically a Jungian archetype! Do you and your husband think you’re better than everybody else? Is that your twisted little game? Do yourself a favour: have an affair with a stranger you pick up at a biker bar and give your husband a sexually transmitted disease. You’ll both be glad you did.
Raoul Blackaddar is not a medical doctor, nor does he play one on TV, but he does have strong opinions on matters of human sexuality. If you have a question for Raoul, please send it to Frankly Sex care of this publication.