Good evening. Our top story tonight: President Ronald Reagan attended a grade six civics class in Columbia, Missouri this week. “This was not an attempt to get the President to brush up on his democratic theory,” one White House spokesperson stated. “It’s just that we’ve finally found an audience that can appreciate him.”
GALLUMPH COMPUTER PROJECTION: 10% UNAFFECTED; 10% UNCONNECTED; 80% DIDN’T GET THE JOKE.
Wow. These projected computer statistics are really something.
GCP: 45% DON’T KNOW; 44% DON’T CARE; 1% THANK YOU.
You’re welcome. In other news: American Judge Harvey Sorkow ruled that custody of Baby M should go to its father, William Stern, not its maternity mother, Mary Beth Whitehead. Sorkow ruled that Whitehead had to abide by her contract to be a surrogate mother for the Sterns, who were uncertain they could safely conceive a child. This is an historical precedent: even though a woman may carry a baby for nine months, a man can get custody of it by filling a bottle with sperm and signing a piece of paper for two minutes.
GCP: 34% NICE HAIR; 32% GOOD TEETH; 31% PLEASANT VOICE; 3% GOOD NEWS SENSE.
Thank you for validating me as a journalist. Former Secretary of State Alexander Haig declared his intention to seek the Republican Presidential nomination this week. One White House staffer, who might have been President Reagan, although he wasn’t certain, responded, “How does he expect to control the government when he can’t even control his own ambition?”
GCP: 73% OBSCURE; 18% ARCANE; 7% GLOBULAR; 2% GOOD WHISKY.
Well, it was worth a shot. The Vatican is rumoured to be seriously consider holding a massive fundraising telethon to aid the Rome Curia, Vatican City’s administrative body, which suffers from a “radical insufficiency of funds.” This is Popespeak for the fact that it is deeply in debt. Already signed to do the benefit are Jerry Lewis, Jerry Lee Lewis, Bob Geldof, Kerrie Keane and Cardinal Ratzinger, who is said to be working on a routine with Whoopi Goldberg and Robin Williams about homeless church officials.
GCP: 68% IT’S NOT FUNNY TO MAKE FUN OF OTHER PEOPLE’S DEEPLY HELD RELIGIOUS BELIEFS; 57% IT’S NOT FUNNY TO MAKE FUN OF MY DEEPLY HELD RELIGIOUS BELIEFS; 36% GO FOR IT.
With little hope of further official aid from the American government, the Nicaraguan Contras may look to Canada to help fund their war against the Sandinista government. According to one Contra spokesperson (who has since quit in disgust, not to mention Miami), the rebels are gearing up for their spring offensive, after which they will hold their spring cotillion (military dress optional).
GCP 93% EAT YOUR LIVER BEFORE IT GETS COLD; 87% MULTINATCORP RULES; 42% FUNNY COUNTRY YOU GOT HERE.
Getting a bit scattered, aren’t we? Tests have begun in Manitoba on a nuclear mini-reactor that could supply energy for a city block or a factory. Critics of the Slowpoke Reactor – that’s Atomic Energy of Canada’s name for it, folks, not mine – say that it is dangerous and economically unfeasible. I guess this could give a whole new meaning to the phrase, “There goes the neighbourhood.”
GCP: 10% CHANCE OF PRECIPITATION OVERNIGHT; LOW OF 18 DEGREES.
Sheila Copps, Liberal Member of Parliament for Hamilton East, recently became the first MP to give birth. There was no word on whether the child, a girl, will be entering politics, but she is expected to have a press release out by the end of the week, with a press conference to follow.
GPC: 60% TO YOUR PUBLISHER; 24% TO YOU; 16% TO YOUR AGENT.
Umm, could you leave my personal life out of this, please? On the local scene, the North York civic worker’s strike is over after three weeks, and garbage pick-up has resumed, so those of you who have been putting off cleaning your rooms no longer have an excuse.
GCP: 87% WANT LESS LOCAL NEWS; 10% WANT MORE LOCAL NEWS; 3% WANT MORE COLOUR COMICS.
Okay, how about this? On the entertainment scene: Vincent van Gogh’s painting entitled Sunflowers was sold by Christie’s of London for the incredible price of $52 million, prompting parents around the world to reconsider discouraging their children from a career in the arts.
GCP: 12% ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT ASSAULT, THE WINNER OF BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM, WAS; 37% ADORE PAUL HOGAN; 16% FELT SORRY FOR BETTE DAVIS.
Tough break, Denys. In sports: Hockey Night in Canada commentator Dave Hodge still isn’t certain if he has been fired over an incident in which he threw a pencil in the air in disgust when the CBC decided not to broadcast an overtime period to stations which had turned to the game after the one they were watching had ended. Said one CBC source, “I’m glad he wasn’t playing piano at the time!”
GCP: 23% ihgiqffs; 21% EWYWYWEITP; 18% yoyoyoyoyiuy; 38% UNDECIDED.
I couldn’t agree more. In a story last week, we reported that Toronto Maple Leafs owner Harold Ballard, responding to the suggestion that the Leafs replace the Los Angeles Kings in the Smythe Division of the National Hockey League, stated, “Are they kidding? If we moved into a Division with Edmonton, Calgary and Winnipeg, we’d face real competition!” Apparently, this was incorrect. What Ballard actually said was, “We can’t do it because the increased travel costs would eat into our fabulous Maple Leafs gardens profits.” What Ballard actually should have said was, “No comment.”
We regret any inconvenience his error may have caused.
GCP: 67% APPROVE OF GROVELING; 32% DISAPPROVE OF GROVELING.
And, finally: it’s April and Oral Roberts is still alive. April Fools!
Good night.