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You Can’t Run, So You Better Hide
The New Democratic Party has decided not to run candidates in the next federal election.
“Even though it is four years away, pundits have already predicted another Conservative majority,” NDP leader Jack Layton stated. “That’s good enough for me. I’ll tell everybody in the ridings we didn’t win last time to take a vacation during the next election – we’ll see them in eight years.”
Interim Liberal leader Bob Rae took a more extreme position on the issue.
“The futility of running candidates,” he intoned. “The pointlessness of contending elections. I cannot go on – I must go on!”
SOURCE: Canadian Depress
[http://www.cd.org/english/notforyou.htm]
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It’s Sad Because It’s True
Nine signs that should have given away the fact that Gay Girl in Damascus wasn’t on the level.
9. One too many references to the revolutionary Michele Bachmann (there was only one, and it was too many)
8. Not enough worrying about her tan lines.
7. Posts like: “Ah do lahk a bit o’ haggis in thah mornin’. It’s somethin’ of a delicacy here in Aberd…uuh…mascus.”
6. Her story about saving an entire village from the army with nothing more than a toothpick and a grin – where would she have gotten a toothpick in the middle of the desert?
5. Her description of a running gun battle was actually taken word for word from the screenplay for Terrence Malik’s The Thin Red Line. It showed great taste in films, but still…
4. Posts like: “Oh, shit, I just reached 10,000 followers. You…you’re not really taking this seriously, are you?”
3. Too much worrying about her tan lines.
2. The beard and moustache. Definitely the beard and moustache.
1. Time magazine called the blog’s supposedly Syrian-American author, “an honest and reflective voice of the revolution.” What more evidence did anybody need that she was a hoax?
SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman
[http://marketing.ubs.com/latetonight/latetonightshow/list]
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Vegas Has The Apology As The Odds On Favourite
Fox News has apologized to Sarah Palin for running a photo of Tina Fey in character as the former Alaska governor. This is, as far as anybody can tell, only the third time the news network has run an apology, and the first time it wasn’t related to a lawsuit.
Fox News weekend propaganda boss David Clark has stated that he would do everything in his power to ensure that it never happened again. Nobody was sure if he was talking about the Palin/Fey mix-up or the apology.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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I’m Not Trying To Be Controversial – I Swear!
With the viral success of Twitter feeds like Shit My Dad Says and books like Go the Fuck to Sleep, it is clear that bad language is in. I’ve been considering ways I could make that work for myself.
Les Fucking Pages aux Folles. Les Pages aux Fucking Folles. Fucking Les Pages aux Folles. Fuck Les Pages aux Folles? Les Pages aux Folles…Fucking?
Shit! Needs work.
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Hefner Asks, “I Was Engaged? I Can Barely Eat Solid Food Any More!”
Playboy Playmate Crystal Harris has broken off her engagement with Hugh Hefner. “He…he’s really old,” Harris explained.
SOURCE: Peephole
[http://peephole.aol.com/peephole/articles/0,19636,1243808,00.html]
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Everything You Know About Weiner’s Wiener Is Wrong!
(And, Aren’t You Grateful?)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we demanded Democrat Anthony Weiner resign even though we won’t say a word about Republican David Vitter resigning. Liberals just don’t get it – that doesn’t make us hypocrites. When a Republican is caught paying for sex, it is understood that it was a minor moral failing in an otherwise righteous life, one for which he will atone. When a Democrat is caught texting lewd photos of himself to women who are not his wife, it is understood that it is part of the sick, twisted, utterly depraved lifestyle of liberals; since they cannot be saved, they must be condemned.
I really hope this clears everything up, because I don’t want to have to explain it again.
SOURCE: Red State Blues
[http://www.redstateblues.com/diaries/jerry_in_geo/2011/june/15/you-are-sick-we-are-not-any-questions/]
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Q: What’s The Difference Between Anti-Semitism And Legitimate Criticism Of Israel?
A: Kumquats!
Q: What’s the difference between Jordanian and Palestinian cooking?
A: You don’t get accused of anti-Semitism if you praise Jordanian cooking.
SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler
[http://quick&detwiler.blogspot.com/]
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More Sin Than Cure
Unnamed Senators are reported to be revolting – wait for it! – against the Harper government’s oft stated plans to turn the Senate into an elected body with term limits.
“I was appointed to this position fair and square,” one Conservative Senator stated. “It’s been a nice place to spend time since I retired from my real job, and now I’m told that I will have to…run in an election? I will actually have to…put effort into keeping my seat? Jeez Louise, if I wanted to work, I never would have retired in the first place!”
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/news/story.html?ia=0ec0ecda-b7e6-4c24-bf9b-07b423cc48ec]
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Nutty Alternative To Order
Retiring US Secretary of Defence Robert Gates has lashed out at NATO allies, saying that they need to contribute more to its military efforts in places like Libya than well wishes. Reaction to his speech was decidedly mixed.
Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper eagerly responded, “Yes! Yes! We’re ready! Send us in! Send us in! Send us in! I don’t care where! Libya! Mongolia! Florida! It doesn’t have to be a country whose name ends in the letter ‘a,’ either. A ‘stan’ would be nice to fight in this time of year. Oh, please, please, please send us in!” A tasteful line of drool ran down his chin.
French President Nicolas Sarkozy responded, “Oh, yes. Of course. Why would we not want to spend our – how you say? – blood and treasure to meet American geo-political needs? It is selfish of us not to, would you not say?” A tasteful line of sarcasm ran down his chin.
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi responded, “I thought she was over 18, I swear!” I’m going to stay away from reporting on his chin, or any of his other body parts.
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
[http://www.opinion.semaphore.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml;sessionid=M5UF23LWOLFFPQFIQMFSM5WAVCBQ0JVC?nextPage=/DUereDE/wXeR.WZvwF?7wF~/DUereDE/s138/Os/14/JD141O.7wF!2qZiiv~/
DUeReDR/s138/Os/14/e7DUeReDR.ZvwF!2iG9gimmygi2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=27468]
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