Thank you, Narayana Kocherlakota, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we read about the creation of the first candwich – a sandwich in a can – and we thought: now, finally, we can die happy! Unfortunately, reports of our death joy were greatly exaggerated, for it turns out that the only candwich currently on the market is peanut butter and grape jelly, and we’ve been allergic to grape jelly ever since the incident in the Marianas Trench. Let us know when Mark One Foods has put out a Rueben candwich – we were really looking forward to dying happy!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Failure Is In The Bottom Line Of The Beholder
The Global Commission on Drug Policy, a high-powered panel of former heads of states and UN officials, has declared the war on drugs “a failure.” Despite untold billions of dollars in enforcement costs, including the imprisonment of hundreds of thousands of people, the report showed that the use of drugs rose between 1998 and 2008.
However, not everybody agreed with the reports conclusion.
“The war on drugs a failure?” asked Marycke McFloozle, a spokesweasel for the private prison industry. “Have you seen how much our profits have soared in the past decade? I’m sure our shareholders don’t consider it a failure!”
“I wouldn’t say the war on drugs was a failure, exactly” GE spokesman Enrique Paz added. “Governments who wage war wequire weapons, and the profit margin on attack helicopters is much greater than on stoves and fridges. It certainly feels like winning to me!”
“The war on drugs?” Speaker of the House John Boehner mused. “I cannot begin to count the number of conservative politicians who have won elections in the past 30 years on a law and order platform that specifically targeted drug dealers and users. Does that sound like a failure to you?”
“Oh,” said former Brazilian President and panel member Fernando Henrique Cardoso. “When you put it that way…”
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/news/story.html?ia=0ec0ecda-b6e5-4c18-bf9b-07b297cc32ec]
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And, The Lord Didst Look Upon Digital Communications Networks
And They Were Goodly Confusing
And, lo, Jesus said unto them, “Net neutrality is a technical matter, and my Father doth not get involved in the details. Read into this what thou wilst.”
And, lo, and beholdeth, current apostle David Barton didst just that, stating that net neutrality was a “wicked redistribution of wealth through the internet.” And Barton didst not make any logical sense. And Barton didst not have facts on his side. And one might believe because of all of this that Barton didst not, in fact, know of which he spake.
But, lo, the high and mighty believed in him. Because, yea, verily, free markets are yet a matter of faith in the land.
SOURCE: The Bible – The Continuing Story
[http://www.thenewestnewtestament.com/the_further_teachings_of_jesus/on_net_neutrality/lk06_37a.html]
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Because Whites Are Disproportionately Arrested For Petty Crimes
And Whites Are Largely Passed Over For Positions Of Power In Business
And Whites Are The Victims Of The Republican “Southern Strategy”
And – You Know, Some Issues Really Are Black And White
Whites believe that they have replaced blacks as the primary victims of racial discrimination in contemporary America, according to a new study. Both whites and blacks agree that anti-black racism has decreased over the last 60 years, according to the study. However, whites believe that anti-white racism has increased and is now a bigger problem than anti-black racism.
“Don’t look at me,” said the Republican Party with a pleasant shrug, “I don’t know where they could have gotten that crazy idea from!”
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/newyork/2006-07-15-wtc-lawsuit_x.htm]
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As In: The Great Lumbering [REDACTED]’s [REDACTED] Chafed On The Exposed [REDACTED]
A three judge panel of the Federal Court of Appeals has ruled that government censors can’t arbitrarily redact public documents on the off chance that they might make relations with foreign nations a tad more difficult. This comes after revelations that the government routinely blacked out the words “hippopotamus,” “flange” and “nipple.”
“The election’s over and we got a majority,” Prime Minister Stephen Harper responded. “[REDACTED] over it.”
SOURCE: Canadian Depress
[http://www.cd.org/english/notforyou.htm]
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And, Anybody Who Says Otherwise Is An Anti-Semite
Benjamin Netanyahu, speaking to a joint session of the American Congress, was given a standing ovation that lasted three days and 21 hours. At least 27 representatives and 12 senators said that they would happily sleep with him – not all of them female. A motion was adopted unanimously to change the name of Washington to Jerusalem North West.
“But, let us be clear,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner, “that this has nothing to do with the power of the Jewish lobby in Washington! Bennie is a genuinely charismatic guy – the power of his personality just makes you want to do things for him!”
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2011May27.html]
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Cutting Programmes Can Be Expensive
In an effort to fill the looming $774 million hole in next year’s budget, the City of Toronto has invited residents to determine which taxes to raise. Not surprisingly, 98 per cent would like to see taxes raised on people whose income is over a million dollars, but a still impressive 79 per cent would be happy to see taxes raised on people whose income is over $250,000. Other popular measures would be to increase taxes on luxury yachts, bottles of champagne and personal escorts.
“Wait just a second,” said Rob Ford’s other head, Doug. “What about cutting expenses? In any realistic budget exercise, you need to consider both revenues and expenses, right?”
Well, exactly.
SOURCE: The Matrixxx
[http://www.thematrixxxto.com/city/i-wanted-a-chrysler…/]
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You Can’t Hack Smoke Signals…Or, Can You?
The Chinese government has denied allegations that it is behind the hacking of hundreds of Google email accounts. “Nope. Didn’t do it,” Chinese Foreign Ministry spokesman Hong Lei stated. “Nyuh unh. Not a chance. And, anyway, you can’t prove it.”
“These allegations are very serious,” US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said in an email to reporters on Thursday. “If the FBI finds any evidence of wrowon’t find any evidence of wrongdoing because the Chinese government is honest and honourable and would not do such a thing. Nope. Nyunh unh. Not a chance.”
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/110603/geeklynews/01bopalina.htm]
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