Thank you, Nivedita Bhattacharjee, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we got caught up in the whole mustache on a stick thing at weddings. And, we had to wonder: why should we be left out of the future joyous memories of our goofiness at weddings just because most of us already have mustaches? (Sorry, Minnie, but on some level you must know it’s true.) We briefly considered shaving our mustaches so that we could join in the frivolity, but that seemed like a terrible sacrifice (especially to Jared, who is in the Guinness World Book of Second Place Record Finishers). So, we decided to use sticks without anything on them and pretend we were wearing fake mustaches. And, other than the occasional gored cheek, it has worked out very well!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Women Named Jasmine Should Also Be Avoided
The Communist Party of China has declared that Jasmine is counter-revolutionary, and has ordered that any citizen who encounters the flower should report it to authorities immediately.
“We have proof that Jasmine has written anti-Mao poetry,” Communist Party Organizer Wha-Tha Foog explained. “We also know that Jasmine hangs out at seedy bars with disreputable hooligans who have been seduced by decadent Western ideas. I am telling you, this is one bad flower!”
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
[http://www.news.semaphore.co.uk/news/main.jhtml;sessionid=M5UF23LWOLFFPQFIQMFSM5WAVCBQ0JVC?nextPage=/DUereDE/wXeR.WZvwF?7wF~/DUereDE/s119/Os/14/
JD141O.7wF!2qZiiv~/DUeReDR/s119/Os/14/e7DUeReDR.ZvwF!2iG3gimmygi2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=31214]
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So, That’s Why Remakes Smell Like Your Grandparents Basement!
Stephen King’s next novel will be called TV Sematary. The plot: television executives bury tapes of old series in a spooky old cemetery, only to find the shows going back into production 24 years later. King insists that it’s based on a true story, and we believe him.
Do you have a better explanation for the resurrection of Charlie’s Angels?
SOURCE: Unread Book News
[http://217.204.43.09/cgi/NGoto/2/64382861?3518]
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It’s Not A Venn Diagram (Who Among Us Is, Really?), But The Chart Does Have Some Descriptive Value
There is a fundamental imbalance in the way American political parties govern when they are given power. The Republicans campaign from the right and govern from the far right. Democrats, on the other hand, campaign from the left and govern from the centre. As you can see from the chart below, this has a tendency to drag the centre towards the right.
As the advances of the 20th century fade into the rearview mirror, remember: the drivers who refused to use that newfangled GPS machine knew exactly where they wanted to go, and they are taking everybody with them.
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=727&dir=bb]
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Putting The Shove Back In Chauvinism
Will Stephen Harper nominate Bank of Canada Governor Mark Carney to fill the vacant position of managing director of the International Monetary Fund? Hmm. Let us consider the consequences.
Such a nomination would enrage European governments, who are pushing French Finance Minister Christine Lagarde for the position, further alienating allies already uneasy about emerging Canadian Chauvinism on the national stage. And, of course, it would be a national humiliation because Carney does not have enough support to win the post. Given this, the question isn’t will Harper nominate Carney?
The question is how soon?
SOURCE: Canadian Depress
[http://www.cd.org/english/notforyou.htm]
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They May Even Be Willing To Share A Drink Over It (On Opposite Sides Of The Wall That Divides The Bar, Of Course)
President Obama made an impassioned speech about the Middle East last night. Palestinians didn’t like his speech because they don’t believe he went far enough in discussing their rights. Israelis didn’t like his speech because they believe he went too far in discussing Palestinian rights.
It would seem that after decades of effort, President Obama has finally gotten the two sides to agree on something.
SOURCE: The Arad Post
[http://www.apost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=APost/APArticle/ShowFull&cid=1430851771225]
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Slow News Millennium
“I saw Jesus,” said six year-old Ambler Rash. “He was in the parking lot of my school. He said, ‘Hi, Ambler.’ ‘N’, I said, ‘Hi Jesus. What’s up?’ And, he said, ‘Nothin’ much. Mind if I hang out with you a while?’ ‘N’ I said, ‘Sure, Jesus. You can do whatever you want. You’re Jesus.'”
When he was asked to describe Jesus, little Ambler said, “He was ten feet tall, an’ he had a nose like an elephant’s nose and he shot laser beams out of his eyes, which was wicked cool! Oh, and, uhh, he wore robes. Cool Jesus robes. Yep. That’s about it.”
“It isn’t exactly what you find in the bible,” allowed religious expert Tom Harpur. “Or, historical accounts of Christ’s life. Or, apocryphal accounts of Christ’s life. Or, even, Saturday morning cartoons of Christ’s life. Still, if Jesus has to shoot lasers from his eyes to get youngsters involved in religion, well, let’s just say that he’s gone through worse revisions over the centuries!”
SOURCE: Deadline News Network
[http://www.dnn.com/2011/ALLPOLITICS/05/18/reps.main/index.html]
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Cognitive Dissonance Gets A New Poster Child
This afternoon, after much sober deliberation, Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s head exploded.
The Prime Minister was reportedly considering US President Obama’s position that, with minor exceptions, Israel should go back to its 1967 borders, a position which has infuriated Israeli officials. Harper’s slavish devotion to everything American is well known. His almost equally slavish devotion to all things Israeli is also well known. Apparently, he couldn’t reconcile the two.
“It was like those computers in the old Star Trek,” explained Conservative John Baird. “You know, the ones that couldn’t choose between two imperatives and ended up dying in a puff of smoke? It was exactly like that, only messier.”
Sources within the Prime Minister’s office insist that Harper will not allow the event to in any way affect his performance once Parliament resumes sitting.
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2011/05/20/harpersheadforthehills110520]
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You Want Me To Remember…Five Seconds Ago? Really? What Kind Of A Brainiac Do You Think I Am?
ANNOUNCER: American foreign policy is like a bad Saturday night drunken brawl.
BOB: Oww! Did you see that? That man just punched me in the face!
WEAVER: Well, you did stab him in the arm.
BOB: I’m totally innocent, and I get punched in the face!
WEAVER: Can you be totally innocent when you’ve just stabbed somebody in the arm?
BOB: He clearly hates me – why does he hate me?
WEAVER: You stabbed him in the arm?
BANG!
WEAVER: You…you shot him!
BOB: He punched me in the face!
WEAVER: AFTER YOU STABBED HIM IN THE ARM!
BOB: WHY ARE YOU SO OBSESSED WITH THE PAST? HE PUNCHED ME IN THE FACE, I SHOT HIM. JUSTICE SERVED.
WEAVER: But…but…you…stabbing…arm…
BOB: Why…do you hate me?
SOURCE: Weekends!
[http://www.nobc.com/Weekends/video/play.shtml?mea=227470]
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