Thank you, Gregory of Naztianzus, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we were surfing online – purely for research purposes, let us assure you – and we came across the ads for Cadbury crème eggs. You know the ones: a gigantor crème egg splits open and its innards ooze down over things like the CN Tower and a prairie farm? The ads with the tag line: “Release the goo?” After watching a few of these, we found that we were strangely aroused. This is going to be the best Easter ever!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
The RCMP Will Enforce The Policy Until Their Role Is Made Public
Then, Will Denounce It And Promise To Be Better Little Boy Scouts In The Future
The Conservative Party has started asking people who attend Stephen Harper campaign rallies to remove their brain at the door. The brains are stored in vats in cooled trucks near the venue, and returned to the heads of people as they leave.
The Conservatives assure us that it’s exactly like checking a coat, only with one’s most intimate body part.
“We’re just looking for ways to make our rallies more fun,” explained Harper Press Secretary Dimitri Soudas, “and everybody knows that the best fun is mindless. Besides, it…probably doesn’t result in permanent brain damage, so where’s the harm?”
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=36712640814671314437fx]
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The Biggest Threat To Airplanes Is…Airlines?
Dear Farouk,
Last night, I had an epiphany. No, not that kind of epiphany, you dirty dog! Epiphany as in “sudden realization of something important.” I now believe we have been going about this whole jihad thing all wrong. Smuggling weapons onto airplanes in order to blow them up or take over the cockpit to blow them up is no longer feasible – airport security is too tight. But, I realized that we no longer have to. All we have to do is go work for an American airline as a maintenance engineer. Then, we simply do not fix any problems or report if we find anything wrong with the planes, and, eventually, parts will just fall off by themselves! And, the best part is that nobody is likely to inspect our work because the airlines don’t really care and the government won’t force them to change! If we do this well, the planes of the infidels will be falling out of the skies in no time!
Sometimes, the simplest plans are the best.
Yours in the Struggle,
Khalid
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/108096382861023470563-794637486482632723017307284-4cahs01.html]
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Doctor Jeckyll And Mister Formaldehyde
According to a report in LiveScience, formaldehyde, which is composed of carbon, hydrogen and oxygen, found in asteroids and comets, may have been responsible for creating life on earth. Pretty interesting considering it is poisonous to the life it may have helped create.
The Absurd Ironyometer hears the news and yawns. It dropped out of high school chemistry in grade 11 and never looked back.
SOURCE: Big Alex’ Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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In The Interest Of Full Disclosure – YUCK!
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi’s trial on charges he paid an underage teenager for sex was adjourned after just seven minutes.
“Yes, that’s about as long as Silvio lasts,” Noemi Letizia, a young model who has been linked to Berlusconi, said with a smile. “If you include time for a cigarette after…”
“NOT HELPING!” one of Berlusconi’s lawyers hastily responded.
SOURCE: Peephole
[http://peephole.aol.com/peephole/articles/0,17026,1004649,10.html]
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You Can’t Get Blood Out Of Vinyl
That Doesn’t Stop Some People From Trying
American record companies have asked for an interpretation of the Copyright Act that would allow them to recover $75 trillion from illegal downloaders. That’s trillion. With a “t.” That would be 75 with…a lot of zeroes after it. That would be more money than the entire music industry has made since Edison’s invention of the phonograph in 1877.
“You think of it as judicial overreach,” said Birman Hoggstratten, President of the Criminal Recording Industry of America, “we think of it as job security…for a dozen generations!”
SOURCE: LotsMusic
[http://www.lotsmusic.com/news/?thedate=4/10/2011#1]
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Just Ask Silvio
Human Resources has asked that everybody attend a five minute seminar on “The Use of Humour in the Workplace.” For those who cannot make it, HR says the message of the seminar can be summed up as: company policy is DON’T!
Oh, and it has come to the attention of HR that some of you attend “Sexual Harassment Seminars” hoping to get tips on how to avoid lawsuits when you engage in unwanted sexually aggressive behaviour towards fellow employees. HR would like to remind everybody that there is a difference between seminars that give information on how to get ahead in the workplace and seminars on how to avoid legal entanglements, and that employees should make more of an effort to find out which is which before they attend.
SOURCE: The Wawaneesa Group Monthly Newsletter
[http://mnc.com/flexmere/ontologicon/wawaneesa/internal/newsletters/April2011.txt]
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Twenty Million Dollars Buys A Lot Of Power Lunches With Clients
The Harper GovernmentTM‘s $60-billion Economic Action Plan is almost all spent, largely – surprise! surprise! – in Conservative ridings. Perhaps most egregiously, as much as $20 million was spent advertising the plan.
“That spending was totally legitimate,” insisted Harper Press Secretary Dimitri Soudas. “Advertising agencies hire people, too, you know. In fact, for what we spent, we probably saved 10 or…or…maybe even 20 jobs in the industry. I consider that good value for the money!”
SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2011/04/09/404927.html]
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I’ll Take Forehead Slapping Over Tear Shedding Any Day
Especially If I’m The One Doing The Slapping
The United States government has avoided a shutdown by deciding not to shut itself down.
“It seems like such a simple idea once it is said out loud,” President Obama commented, “but you would be surprised how complex simple ideas can be.”
“It would not have occurred to me,” said House Leader John Boehner. “However, once somebody brought it up, well, I must admit that I had a forehead slapping moment.”
The next challenge for the government will be to save Medicare. There is already speculation in Washington that it will do this by not allowing Medicare to go bankrupt.
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2011April10.html]
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Ray Romano Made The Same Offer, And Everybody Was Just Confused
Actor Wayne Robson has died at the age of 64. Red Green offered to make his coffin out of found pieces of lumber and duct tape, but, oddly enough, the family has turned him down.
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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